The Last Straight Man Page #2

with your fiance?

Strictly coloring

inside the lines there.

My turn.

Question two.

What have you done sexually

that would shock me?

I better not.

What?

No fair.

Why?

I don't want you

to think badly of me.

I think you're an

a**hole already so spill.

[Sigh]

We're just telling stories here.

I promise, there's nothing you

could say that will make me

feel any differently about you.

All right.

The Tom and Linda story, I

didn't tell you everything.

OK.

So Linda's kissing me.

Tom's getting undressed.

And then, she kissed him.

And then, he, he kissed me.

Tom kissed you?

Yes.

Then, we all just started

kissing, and making out,

and fell to the floor.

And then, well, then

I, I sucked his dick.

What was it like?

What?

Question three.

What was it like sucking a dick?

It was good.

Fun.

Easy.

P*ssy on a stick.

Look, I'm bisexual.

I've known it for a long time.

I'm sorry I never told you.

I just, I didn't know how.

I have to piss.

F***ing tequila.

Put some porn on.

[moaning]

Seen it.

Seen it.

Are you kidding me with this?

Yes.

Ooh, yeah.

Get that p*ssy wet, yeah.

Seen it.

- (ON TV) Oh.

- Put something else on.

This is all the

straight porn I have.

Bullshit.

It is.

Everything else is

from my personal stash.

I don't care.

Just put something in.

Now if this is too much

for you, just say so.

Just push play, grandma.

Let's go.

(QN TV) Oh, yeah.

[moaning] Oh

Oh, f*** yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

[m0afiing] Oh, yeah.

I didn't know

guys could do that.

(ow TV) Uh huh.

Gotta piss again.

[moaning sex sounds]

(QN TV) F***.

Oh, yeah.

Tough to piss when

you got a hard on.

That guys dick is huge!

So how big are you?

I don't know.

I never sized it.

YOu?

Never sized mine either.

Too bad I don't

have a tape measurer.

You don't have

a tape measurer?

Sorry.

All the times to

forget my Christian

Siriano portable sewing kit.

Well when you see a guy in

the movie who's the same size

as you, point him out.

OK.

Him.

No way.

No f***ing way.

Yeah.

Pretty close.

That is a whale of a tale.

You aren't that big.

No way.

Maybe I should show you.

I think you're right.

I've never touched

another guy's dick before.

It's OK.

You can if you want to.

Do you want to?

Yeah.

I've never sucked a cock before.

You can if you want to.

Do you want to?

Yeah.

No teeth.

What?

You're not using any teeth.

- Do you want me to?

- No.

No.

I just-- you're

really good at this.

Sure you never done this before?

L\/lrn mm.

Take your pants off.

I've had too much to drink.

I don't even know if

I can get hard again.

Let me worry about that.

Is it OK?

Yeah.

That was close.

Lewis one.

Whiskey dick, zero.

What's the matter?

Let me kiss you.

I don't want to do that.

You just had my

dick in your mouth.

You won't let me kiss you?

It's just different.

How?

Kissing is more intimate.

I want to save that.

OK.

I want to do you again.

Sure.

[moaning]

What time is it?

6:
25.

I should get up.

I gotta shower.

Yeah, cause the Wedding's

in about five hours.

I knew the affair was

doomed from the beginning.

Jeff had a beautiful wife,

two handsome children, and

a thriving peanut plantation.

He would never

give him up for me.

And truly, he would

be a fool to do so.

But he had planted a seed in me.

A seed that burned deep within.

I must have him.

Whatever it takes.

Gideon.

That was fast.

More of a rinse.

OK, I know this is stupid.

But I have to ask.

Did we do anything unsafe?

We gave Ted the

key to the minibar.

I'm serious.

Don't worry.

You're fine.

It was just intro

to homo sex 'I01.

Did I pass?

The oral exam, yes.

OK.

Good.

Just wait till we get

to the advanced classes.

Lewis, this can

never happen again.

Do you want to pray?

What?

Does this mean you

don't want the 5O bucks?

No.

I'm sorry.

I'm just not used to so

much drama from my tricks.

You're such a dick.

The word you're looking

for is John, not dick.

Now go put something pretty on,

and let's get some breakfast.

Lewis, can you set your phaser

to serious for one minute?

OK, let's hear it.

Here what?

L'm not gay.

I like women.

I was just, dot, dot, dot.

Choose from the following.

A, curious.

B, drunk.

C, horny.

Followed up by and there was a

willing mouth in the room so.

Lewis, I liked it.

OK?

I wouldn't have

done it otherwise.

But I'm getting married today.

Oh, I should've

made that choice D.

Look, I'm not gonna

freak out or run away.

And I'm not gonna say that

we can't be buddies anymore.

You're my best friend.

And if anything, this just

made me feel closer to you.

Except for the kissing.

Well I got to save

something for my wife.

OK.

She can have your feet.

I don't like feet.

Feet are suspicious.

They never look you in the eye.

Lewis, it was fun.

And I'm glad that

it was with you.

But once is enough.

You can't stop at just one.

Think of me as your personal

bag of potato chips.

You both make

my fingers greasy.

Good one, straight boy.

Hey, Ted?

Yeah, it's Cooper.

I need you to come pick me up.

I'm still at the hotel.

Yeah, I got drunk

and passed out.

All right.

OK.

All right, I'll meet you

out front in a few minutes.

Bye.

L 90':
to go.

Fflends?

Of course.

With benefits?

Ass.

OK, kiss me goodbye.

How about a hug?

I'll take it.

See you later?

Yes, you will.

Your nose smells like tuna.

Love you, Lewis.

Love you, Coop.

[music playing]

What are you doing?

Testing my camera skills.

Are we changing professions?

No, I thought I'd make a

sexy video with the wife.

I just wanted to

test it out first.

I'll erase it.

That's an expensive sex toy.

I got it for the baby.

The baby needs a sex toy?

The birth.

I'm recording the birth.

That's your idea

of a sexy video?

Or is it just the third

act of a story arc?

Dick.

The wife liked your

latest book, by the way.

They all say that.

When's it due?

In a couple of weeks.

Congratulations!

Thanks.

Let's drink a toast.

Shots.

You go ahead without me.

What?

We have to drink a toast.

Come on.

[inaudible].

Uh, yeah.

Tell me When.

That's, that's great.

Yeah, too much.

That's the point.

Here.

To my son.

You know the sex?

Yeah, for awhile now.

You didn't say anything.

Are you excited?

Not yet, but

I'm getting there.

Get off.

I meant about the baby.

Being a father.

Having a son.

[Sigh]

I'm so excited, I

could sh*t a crowbar.

H 9Y-

All new fathers get nervous.

What if I sit on him?

[chuckle]

Why would you sit on him?

Well not intentionally.

I want to be a good dad, Lewis.

The best.

I have to be.

Cooper, you're a

sweet, loving man.

You're gonna be a great dad.

You think so?

Of course.

I just don't want to

f*** him up in the head.

Then, Wait till

he's 3O before you

tell him daddy's a cock sucker.

I don't know what's bouncing

around in that spinning raffle

basket of the head of yours.

Do you remember

when my dad left?

Yeah, soon after

we became friends.

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