The Last Straight Man Page #3

He never said goodbye.

He just left.

I thought it was me, that I did

something wrong, even today.

It's like he pushed a dirty

thumbprint into my brain

that won't go away.

You're gonna be an

awesome dad, Coop.

The best.

Thanks, Lewis.

You always say the

intelligent thing.

Yes, I know.

I had a very handsome

younger brother.

When we were kids, people

would look at him and say,

you are so cute.

And then, they'd look

at me and say, uh,

you must be the smart one.

Hey, we can't all be a

[inaudible] Somebody's gotta

be Kate Jackson.

Camera.

Take your shirt off.

You really are a perv.

You know that?

You must like it.

Four years later, and you

haven't skipped an anniversary.

Pants.

Fourth anniversary.

That's fruit, isn't it?

I'd answer that, but I

think you'd be insulted.

Get in bed.

Hey, I want another drink.

YOu?

I'm good.

Here.

Tkethat

OK.

Coop, what do you

tell your wife?

What do you mean?

Well every year for

the past four years,

We've met in this

same hotel room.

It's the day before

your anniversary.

What does she think?

I tell her one of my buddies

is sick and in the hospital.

I have to go see him.

So far, four of my closest

imaginary friends have died.

Belinda doesn't strike

me as being stupid.

She's not.

She's just trusting.

You sure you don't

want another drink?

Why do you drink

so much before?

Before?

Before.

It relaxes me.

Why do you need to be relaxed?

Give.

Lie back.

Play with yourself.

Do you have a preference

as to which hand?

No more talking.

Do it.

What are you gonna

do with this tape?

We're gonna watch it.

Then what?

Then, we're gonna f***.

Thought you didn't f***.

I'm gonna f*** you.

You're not gonna f*** me.

And here, I didn't

get you anything.

Talk to me.

What do you want me to say?

Sexy things.

Just don't make

me call you big Jar

Jar Rat Nuts like last time.

Come on.

OK.

Do you like what you see?

Yeah.

Does it turn you on?

F*** yeah.

Don't you wanna pan down?

No.

A dick is a dick.

Your face is sexy.

Show me how much I turn you on.

Cooper.

Yeah.

Cooper.

Yeah.

Cooper.

Come close?

Yes.

Yeah, l'm--

[phone ringing]

Sh*t.

Don't cum yet.

[phone ringing]

Who is it?

The Wife.

[phone ringing]

Aren't you gonna get it?

No.

Now where were We?

No, I'm not in the mood.

Oh, come on.

No, sorry.

Don't pout.

Who's pouting?

Well if I had

to guess, I'd say

it's the guy sitting in the

chair with the frowny face.

You're mistaken.

I don't think so.

Come here.

Come here.

I'm sorry.

I love our annual get-togethers.

I really do.

But you can't expect

me to throw wood

when I know you're

pregnant Wife is calling

wondering where you are.

She's not here, Lewis.

You are and I am.

Us.

One day a year.

Let's just hit the pause

button on our lives.

Just turn the lights off

on the world for one day.

We have one day to grind,

and sweat, and moan,

and not care about anything.

But--

It gets crazy at

the store, Lewis.

I have to control the stock.

Control the staff.

Control the deliveries.

I'll have the father

in law hovering over me

scowling at everything I do.

You write romance novels.

You create characters.

You pick the words

that they say.

Don't you want to

take one day a year

and just say, f*** it, I want

to lie in bed and screw all day?

I'm not in a relationship.

I don't have to be the grownup.

Well I don't want to

be the grown up either.

And soon, that's

all I'm gonna be.

Your turn.

- What do you want me to do?

- Get on your knees.

Good.

I like you like that.

What do you want me to do?

Call me sir.

Ha!

Hey, you said you don't

want to be the grown-up?

Do it.

Call me sir, or I'll start

describing Bristol Palin naked.

F***ing-- OK.

What do you want me to do, sir?

May I touch myself, sir?

Yes.

Wait, Coop.

Sure you want me to

be feeling like this?

[doorbell]

Who is it?

Housekeeping.

I'm sorry for the

interruption, sir.

I started my shift late.

Oh, uh, that's OK.

Um, uh, the room's fine.

Uh, I'll be as quick as I can.

It'll only take a few minutes.

Um, OK.

Uh, just, just please

be as fast as you can.

Yes, sir.

Would you like me to

make your bed, sir?

No!

No, it's, it's OK.

Thanks.

I'm all done, sir.

Oh, um, great.

Thank you.

Have a nice stay with us.

If it gets any better, I don't

think I'll be able to stand it.

Did we get that?

Ha f***ing ha.

Shut up.

You liked it.

Sometimes I think

you're certifiably insane.

I'm just kicking up my heels.

I wish you would.

Ha f***ing ha to you.

I got something for you.

Oh you do, do you?

I know it's not your birthday,

but I got you a present.

Lucky me.

Why don't you try it on?

See if it fits.

Oh, I think it'll fit.

You know my size.

No undies.

Somebody's being adventurous.

Shut up and suck me.

Yes, daddy.

Lewis, just, just

don't say that.

No, I'm sorry.

It's my bad.

[phone ringing]

Damn it!

Oh for fucks sake.

[phone ringing]

Is it you're wife again?

It doesn't matter.

Now where you going?

Shrivel city.

Is that anywhere

near Bonerville?

Not today it isn't.

I went commando for this?

What do you want me to do?

You know this is a situation

we have to face sometimes.

I didn't get upset last year

when your mom kept calling.

She was having a heart attack.

No, she wasn't.

She over-blended

her Activia smoothie

and was having gas cramps.

She was curled up on

the floor of her shower

in the fetal position.

Calling your name and

farting into her Life Alert.

Seriously, who drinks a

smoothie in the shower?

The point is she

thought she was dying.

And so did you?

If your ass had teeth, you

would've bitten my dick off.

So why didn't you g0?

Shots.

I stashed this

away just in case.

Oh!

The good stuff.

Oh, forget those.

You're a regular boy scout.

I remember when

I practically had

to force you to drink with me.

I know you too well.

Yeah?

H 9Y-

Have you ever done

a kissing shot?

No.

What is it?

I pour a shot into my

mouth, push it into yours,

so we share it.

Gross.

Oh, come on.

Try it!

Or does your sense

of adventure just

stop at not wearing underwear?

That's kissing.

Only better with liquor.

Lewis, how many times

do I have to say it?

No kissing, even with booze.

Listen.

You won't let me f*** you.

I think the least I

deserve is a kiss.

One lousy kiss.

Not an insurmountable request

for three years of penetration.

F***, OK.

Really?

With booze.

Now this is an

anniversary present.

Of course, it's not fruit.

Shut up and pour.

Belly up to the bar.

Well, make your move, cowpoke.

Yeah.

I know.

That was some strong stuff.

Want another one?

No.

No.

Can you admit you

felt something just now?

Like what?

I don't know.

A Spark!

I don't like kissing, Lewis.

I told you that.

Yeah but--

[vibrating phone sound]

I don't even kiss the Wife.

Do you remember what

I said the first time

you wanted to kiss me?

Yeah.

You said it was too intimate.

You wanted to save it.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes