The Last Word Page #7

Yes.

Well, you know, Elizabeth,

she is convinced

that you have some kind

of mental condition.

Hmm?

Yes!

May be true.

Thank you.

This is Harriet Lauler

saying good morning,

and what does that really mean?

Please don't have a nice day.

Have a day that matters.

Have a day that's true.

Have a day that's direct.

Have a day that's honest.

A nice day, mmm-mmm.

You'll be miserable.

Anyway, that's my thought

that you should carry through

as you're doing your

housework, your homework,

your driving work,

your playing work,

your working work.

Have a day that means something.

Okay, I'm going to listen

to this music now

and try to make

this time mean something.

You ready?

You tell me.

You're a great writer.

Yeah. Wow.

You're a great obituary writer.

Okay. I...

Yeah. I knew it, all right.

No, no, no. Stop.

These are good.

These are very good.

But they're fantasy.

They're a girl's fantasy.

You're a woman.

I would like you

to write that reality.

I...

I'm afraid of making a mistake.

No. You don't make mistakes.

Mistakes make you.

Mistakes make you smarter.

They make you stronger.

And they make you

more self-reliant.

But I'm not like you, Harriet.

I don't possess

your fearlessness.

Let me tell you something

I never could tell my daughter.

Fall on your face!

What?

Fail.

Fail spectacularly.

That's...

That's your advice?

Yes, because when you fail,

you learn.

When you fail, you live.

I don't know if I can

write your obituary.

Oh, please.

They're just words.

Yeah, but...

I mean, I know. I just...

I'm just not ready to close

this chapter of my life.

No, but this is my life

that we're closing, not yours.

Yes, but your life is

way more interesting.

Oh, honey, come here.

Yours hasn't even begun.

Yes.

I wanted to do that.

Thank you.

Okay, see you.

Okay.

No, I'm just kidding.

You smell nice.

It's vinyl and

stagnant '90s apathy.

Thanks for the coffee.

Can I...

I kind of want to keep this.

Hello.

Harriet?

I'll be right there.

At least when you

do the F-word...

I just learned a truly

remarkable turn of phrase.

What?

F***-bomb.

Sorry?

F***-bomb.

Yeah, that's what

I thought you said.

Explain.

All right.

First you got the F-word.

One level up from that,

that's the F-bomb.

One level up from that,

that's "f***."

But something

seriously f***ed up,

that's a f***-bomb.

That's... That's

what you wanted to tell me?

I'm sorry,

but I do need your help.

The act of public aggression

that I have planned

will probably end up

with you and me in jail.

What about me?

Juvie.

I'm in.

And then you will have to

call her mother from jail.

Criminal mastermind

Harriet Lauler

gunned down in a blaze of glory.

Now that's a wild card.

Yes, it certainly is.

Now, here's my plan.

Hey, Towy, come here.

Thanks for coming.

Take the chain

out of there, wind it,

go over there to that sign

and rip off the

Hurry UP-

Let's do this.

Got it?

Come on, Towy.

Tie it up. Let's go.

Okay, faster, faster, faster.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

One more time.

Move your ass!

Maybe, like, two inches left.

It's all done.

In the truck. Hey!

In the car. In the car.

Thank you, sir.

Harriet!

What on Earth do you think

you're doing now?

I'm doing exactly what I should

have done a long time ago.

That's it! I will

personally see to it

that every single shred

of evidence

that you ever even worked here

is wiped out.

Good. I can live with that.

Come on, Harriet!

Punch it!

A f***-bomb! Yeah!

F***-bomb!

- A f***-bomb!

Welcome to

The Anne and Brenda Show!

She's just sleeping.

Now, Harriet Lauler

was thoughtful enough to

provide me with instructions

for her service today.

A thorough set of instructions.

The flowers,

the music, the readings,

the seating arrangements.

All chosen by Harriet.

I was also asked by Harriet

to inform you all

that she has bequeathed her

house to the town of Bristol

so it can be turned

into a new public library.

A library where all the books

will be displayed

in alphabetical order

because, and I, uh....

I quote,

"The Dewey Decimal System

is for losers."

A sizeable donation has also

been granted to the Gazette.

And I'm supposed to say,

"You can relax now, Ronald."

And finally to Robin Sands

and KOXA,

Harriet offers her expertly

curated record collection,

including every record

by The Kinks,

the most underrated band

of all time.

At this time, Harriet has

requested for her friend,

Anne Sherman, to speak.

For no more than

three and a half minutes.

"A lifelong lover

of rock and roll,

"who became a disc jockey

at the age of 81,

"Harriet Lauler passed away

Thursday evening.

"As the founder of

Lauler Advertising,

"she presided for many years

"over one of the most successful

"advertising agencies

in the state.

"She remained close

with former colleagues.

"And recently was often found

at the community center,

"where she mentored

Brenda Wilson,

"a young girl

from South Bristol.

"She is survived

by her daughter,

"Dr. Elizabeth O'Malley,

"and two grandchildren,

Spencer and Sage."

This is her obituary

and it's sh*t.

I wrote it.

The truth is, I didn't think

that in the matter of

a couple weeks, a month,

that I would be standing here

talking about a woman

that I truly loved.

A woman who made me

want to quit my job.

And a woman who made me feel

like I was a piece of sh*t.

Um...

But she didn't feel

that way about me.

And she didn't feel that way

about any of you.

She was just challenging us to

be the best... Our best selves.

Because she saw what we had,

that we didn't, and that's...

That's the most amazing thing.

Um...

So...

I think it's a really good thing

that we knew Harriet Lauler.

I think it sucks that she died.

But,

at the end of the day,

all I really needed to say,

all I really ever needed to say

was that she will not

be forgotten.

That's the best that

any of us could hope for.

That we will not be forgotten.

Harriet Lauler lived her life.

And I'm going to honor her

memory by doing the same.

This is not

my letter of resignation.

This is my obituary.

The young girl who worked for

you for the last seven years

is dead and buried.

She leaves behind a lifetime

of indecision,

hesitation and fear.

She will not be missed.

She will not be mourned.

Because she was really

never alive to begin with.

But she is now.

And she has her entire life

in front of her.

An entire life

just waiting to be filled.

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