The Late Bloomer Page #9

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first and then repeat.

- Oh.

Delaney?

Uncle shithead!

Here's your birthday present!

I was wrong.

What I did was selfish

and stupid,

and I'm sorry to both of you.

It's fine. We know you're

going through some stuff.

Yeah. But if you ever do

anything like that again,

I'm gonna cut your dick off,

and shove it up your a**hole.

She's not joking. She knows

her way around a dick.

- And an a**hole.

- Yeah.

- Michelle went back to Charlie?

- Yeah.

And I don't blame her.

I... I suck.

That's too bad. You guys seemed

really good for each other.

- Yeah. -I wish I had that.

I miss being with someone.

- What about your tinder babes?

- That was fun.

Some people go on there

to have sex.

You tried to have sex with

72 different women in a row.

- Oh, my god. -I know, but

I wanna be with someone.

Like you guys.

Like in a relationship.

- Yeah. We get it.

- Okay.

Hey, did you hear the news?

Michelle won that sous-chef spot

for that Bobby flay thing.

- Really? -And the restaurant

opens this weekend.

- Good for her.

- Okay, so...?

You should go there,

support her.

Apologize face-to-face,

like a man.

Do what you gotta do.

You might need to say

you're sorry all night

in a million different ways.

I blew it with Michelle.

I'd love nothing more

than to go over and see her,

but... I think I...

Know what being a man is now,

and maybe that's doing what she

wants and not what I want.

And I think she wants to not see

my face for a really long time.

- So are you gonna wear a disguise?

- What?

I have plenty of disguises.

You can come over...

- Why do you have disguises?

- I dunno.

How can so much and so little be

happening in that head of yours?

- Sorry, sorry. No more phone.

- It's okay.

- Putting it away.

- It's alright.

I got to sneak out and I had

a lot to do with this soup.

So I just wanted you to try it,

see what you think.

Alright. Alright. Mm.

- It's cold.

- It's supposed to be.

- Then it's perfect.

- Thank you.

Welcome.

What's the name, please?

Sir? Sir?!

- It's the mix I made you.

- Yeah, yeah.

You really have a thing about

making scenes in restaurants.

- Just hear me out.

- No! No! I'm busy!

Are you too selfish to realize that this

is a very, very important night for me

and that whatever you're doing, whatever

this is, this is obviously about you?

No, I came here to apologize.

Don't. Okay?

I've moved on.

With Charlie?

That's moving backwards!

- At least I know who he is.

- Hey, is there a problem here?

Pete, please, just leave.

Yeah. Alright.

You are not leaving

until you tell her everything.

Carpe Diem, Dr. Newmans.

Get the f***... back in there.

Right now.

I never went through puberty!

- I thought it would be more of a

private moment. -This is good.

I'm 30 years old, never went

through puberty. I had a...

A tumor in my pituitary gland

and it stunted everything.

So when they took it out,

I had a lifetime of testosterone

that hit me all at once.

So jerkin' it, mood swings,

acne, it just f***ing hit me.

Our date... our date... that...

That was me learning that I had

no idea how to be a man.

I've always known

what you're capable of.

Now that I know

what kind of man I wanna be,

I'd really like it

if you'd be around

when I figure out

what I'm capable of.

What the f*** is going on here?!

- Okay, um...

- No, no, no!

Who does he think he is?

He's causing a scene.

This is embarrassing.

Let me get him outta here.

I'm very confused right now,

but this is bringing up

a bigger issue,

and I think the issue is...

We're not supposed

to be together.

You gotta know that... right?

And I am starting

this whole new career

and this whole new life

and I just...

I just don't see you...

In that life.

Wow.

I, uh...

Wasn't expecting this tonight.

Glad we could do it in public.

Um... okay.

If you want me to go,

yeah, I'll go.

Yeah, I'm gonna get

the f*** outta here.

Enjoy that cold soup.

- See ya, Chuck.

- Later, Chazz.

- Get the f*** out of my...

- Oh! Oh!

- What the f*** happened there?

- I don't know,

I kinda just came alive.

Did I scare him?

- Yeah, I think you scared everybody.

- F***, yeah.

I, um, I-I'm really busy,

and I have to get back to work,

but I get off at midnight,

and if you wanna maybe come by and talk me

through what has been happening with you

and your whole... life...

then I would like that.

That sounds really good.

In fact, you know what?

F*** it, I'm starving.

- You got a table?

- -Not a chance, pal.

I couldn't get my mother a table

in this place tonight.

But I'll tell you what. Kiss her

like it's your last chance

and maybe I'll let you order

something to go.

- Yes! Whoo!

- There you go.

And I get so pissed off

at my parents!

They're on me about everything!

School, sports, girls!

- They don't get it at all!

- You know what?

I don't blame you. Parents stink.

They just don't get it.

Really? Parents have to stink

so you can pander to teenagers?

No, I didn't get it. All these

years of my study of Kundalini

and I didn't realize your

sex Chakra, the red Chakra,

wasn't flowing

since you were a kid.

- But I'm okay now, mom.

- You're better than okay.

Now you can have your

own little bundle of joy.

So apparently

you'll also stink in the future.

Oh, no, he's gonna stink. I'm gonna

be the best mother in all of history.

Good to know. Alright, grandma,

let's let the man sign books.

- Proud of you.

- Thank you.

- See you, pal.

- Bye.

And what's your name,

future achiever?

Well, well, well, I see you have

a copy of Dr. Newmans' new book.

You gonna to get it signed?

He's right over there, kid.

I want to, but the line's too long.

I'm not sure my mom will wait.

Oh, I can get you

through that line.

I go way back

with that doc over there.

Yeah, I actually helped

put him on the map.

In fact, I can probably say

I did put him on the map.

He started out at my practice, he

was still wet behind the ears.

- Not much older than you are now.

- Really?

I knew right away

he was a superstar.

He had that... "It" quality,

that undefinable essence

that nobody else saw,

but I sure as Hyannis port did.

I mean, look at him over there,

my goodness.

Lovely wife, baby on the way.

Big, successful author.

Well-paid lecturer

on the national circuit.

He owes me a debt of gratitude

for where he is today.

Not that I'm asking for thanks,

I'm just stating that as a fact.

But if I were him,

I would thank me.

At least in, you know,

the foreword of the book.

And if I'm being

100% truthful here,

I learned a lot

of things from him.

I can't think of any right now.

No, he doesn't

need my help anymore.

Nope, he's got it all...

Figured out.

With a smug smile that says:

"Yeah, my sh*t smells

like three-dozen roses."

I think I'm gonna go get

in line with the others.

Yeah, me, too.

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