The Late Bloomer Page #8

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you didn't sleep with him.

Or...?

Why are you being

such an a**hole?

You're right. I'm sorry.

I...

Am just really,

really nervous, actually.

Because I've been wanting to go on this

date with you longer than I even knew.

You don't have to be nervous.

You're Pete.

You're my Pete.

And I don't want you

to be anything else.

That's such good news.

Can I start over?

- Please.

- I have so much to tell you.

I've had an interesting ride.

I'm... I'm still the

same person that you knew.

I'm still... Kinda silly, a goof.

I still love your food.

I'm still genuine,

kinda weird, truthful,

- honest...

- Un-f***ing-believable!

You stole our table.

I don't know what

you're talking about.

- Wait, Pete. What?

- I can explain what happened.

What happened is, he broke a

promise to his best friend,

and then stole our reservation.

I can't believe

you stole our table.

You didn't have a babysitter!

Luke canceled a three-way!

Like a real friend would.

- This is my soup.

- Don't you touch my soup!

- Oh, my god.

- Oh, there's wine for me.

Mm. So good, honey.

You gotta try this.

Alright, let's do it!

I'm gonna beat your ass, man!

Put 'em up! Let's go!

I have a boner,

I can use it to f*** or fight.

- Punch him with your keys!

- Yeah, you better go.

I'm gonna use my boner

to f*** you!

Ooh. Oh.

Michelle!

Let me give you a ride home.

- We're going to the same place.

- I already called a cab.

- It's on its way.

- Can you cancel it?

That went completely opposite of

what I planned for this evening.

- As did you. -You don't know what

I've been going through lately.

Explain it to me, then.

Explain, please,

because I have no idea

who the hell you are right now.

Some crazy sh*t

has been happening to me.

You're just gonna have to give

me another chance to tell you...

Another chance? Well,

now you just sound like Charlie.

And, oh, speaking of Charlie,

I got a text message earlier,

and supposedly he stopped by

and those flowers were from him?

He did stop by and they

were from him.

- I didn't think that you...

- You know what?

Stop. Just please stop.

You know what? F*** it.

You know what?

Go back to Charlie!

I don't give a sh*t anymore!

I'm not gonna apologize

because I enjoy

having a cock in my mouth.

My friends

don't seem to like it,

but I think it feels good

in there.

Maybe it's

an oral fixation, but...

I know I love it in my mouth,

against my face and...

To have his hard cock

against my lips.

So stop talking.

Pardon the interruption,

but do you drive a silver Prius?

- I'm in session!

- My office, now!

- We have 25 minutes.

- I'm having you towed.

You are our best and brightest.

How could you allow

a patient to fellate you?!

She hadn't yet.

If news of this gets out, our

clinic could be gone overnight!

With this Ned talk coming up,

what were you thinking?

I've been going through a...

absurd amount

of personal issues.

That doesn't explain what I saw.

So go home, doctor.

Can I call you to discuss

the talk, or just to...

Well, why don't we put

a pin in that,

until we see if your patient

files a lawsuit, huh?

Hey.

- You want a beer?

- Yeah.

Cheers.

So how's puberty at 30 going?

Not good.

I don't know what to do with it.

I can't control it.

I'll let you in

on a little secret.

Most guys can't.

Those feelings and urges...

Start in puberty and...

Never really goes away.

It's in our DNA.

That's why we screw up so much.

You remember the spring

when you were in 5th grade,

I was away in Miami on business

for a month?

- Yeah. -I was really at a

motel by the Burbank airport,

'cause your mom kicked me out.

With good reason.

Such a clich, you know?

Office party,

had a few drinks and, uh...

I... strayed.

Once.

But turns out,

it's how we repair

our mistakes...

that defines us...

In their eyes.

I think...

the biggest change

we go through...

is discovering the difference

between acting like a man...

And being a man.

Do I, uh...

Do I embarrass you, dad?

No.

No, never.

All those years,

I knew something was off,

but you're my son...

And I love you...

no matter what.

That's in the DNA, too.

Yeah.

What am I gonna do

about this Ned talk tomorrow?

I guess my advice would be

to just look this Ned fella

square in the eye

and tell him the truth.

Sex.

Everybody's doing it.

As a people, first we experience

an attraction,

and then, at some point,

we need to get busy.

We average one sexual thought

every seven seconds.

We've got 365 day a year.

Well, guess what,

54 of those days are gone

to nothing else

but thinking about sex.

Almost two months combined.

Doing absolutely nothing.

Isn't this amazing? Long time in the

making. It's a big moment for us.

I just open and close

the curtain.

What I believe is that

the only way to combat this

is the rechanneling

of unnecessary sexual energy.

One of the most important things

to keep in mind

is that sexual energy can be...

Altered and diverted.

Sexual energy can be altered

and diverted.

I'm sorry.

I had a great talk

with my dad last night.

That and, uh...

Recent events in my life,

which we don't have time for,

have led me to say...

What I'm about to say to you.

It seems that...

there are flaws...

In the theories

that I've written.

- What is he doing?

- I understand the murmur.

I spent the last 15 years

of my life not having sex.

Avoiding it.

And I've done a ton of cool sh*t

in my life.

But while not having sex,

I've also missed out on some

cool-ass live sh*t like sex.

And I have to say,

I've been, uh...

- I've been sampling it lately.

- Uh, clinical trials, as we say.

Why are they laughing?

That's not funny.

As a doctor, I can tell you

it's f***ing ridonculous!

And masturbation? Are you kidding me?!

Actually, you know what? Show of hands.

Who here polished the dolphin

last night, huh?

There it goes.

Okay. I know one of you...

There's not just one of you. There we go!

There's another one!

That's cool!

Sex is f***ing awesome.

It's nasty, it's disgusting,

it's weird,

and that's only

if you're doing it right.

That's what sex is.

And it's also two people

coming together.

And it's, uh... terrifying.

And it's beautiful.

And I've been missing that.

And I missed that in my book.

So what am I saying here?

Well, I know what I'm saying.

F*** away.

F*** away!

F*** away, f*** away, f*** away.

F*** to your heart's desire, f***

until your heart's covered in come,

I don't give a sh*t what you do.

Lick some ass, suck some d*cks,

squeeze some titties,

pinch some nipples.

As long as it's mutually

beneficial to the other person

you're doing it with,

you got my vote.

We got one shot at this,

one shot.

And there's absolutely no way

to do that one shot right

without sex.

- That's all I got to say.

That was for effect, right?

I mean,

you're going back out there...

Have sex, Caroline.

And repeat.

After sex, I'd rinse

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