The Late Bloomer Page #7

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I have these possessive urges,

I can't control them.

They're not based

in any form of logic,

and it's confusing

the sh*t outta me!

Why does it have to suck

so much?

- Like an anvil on your chest.

- You can't sleep, can't eat.

The more uptight you get,

the more pimples you get

on your head and back

and all this sh*t.

You're like the

only adult who gets it.

I don't know how you don't

know what to do with women.

- I haven't dated much.

- Dude, why not?

You have money,

an apartment, a car.

If I was you, I'd be killing it.

Everyone your age

has already been laid a ton,

so Michelle's probably already

been with tons of dudes.

No, she hasn't.

She's been with Charlie and...

I'll count. I guesstimate

she popped in high school.

That's one, maybe two or

three boyfriends in college.

That's four.

A few drunken one-nighters.

She's classy,

let's just say two.

So that's six.

But then there's post-college,

and that's when a girl's gotta find her

way, right? So... it's 10 minimum.

- Ten?

- Plus Charlie, so that's 11.

Every girl Michelle's age

knows their way around a dick,

so my advice is to get into some

serious R&D before she comes back.

Show her you know what to do

with the puss.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Ow!

- Oh.

- Ow! Ow!

- My... my watch is...

- Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow!

- No, no! Wrong hole.

- Oh, sorry.

And so you keep having sex...

Over and over and over

and over again,

because you're scared

if you say no,

you might not experience enough.

So size, shape,

nationality, religion,

it doesn't matter.

You just bang anybody

who's willing.

But then your balls

start to itch...

and you're not sure

if you caught something

or if it's your psychosomatic

paranoia kicking in again.

You understand me so well.

I don't have balls or anything,

but the rest of it is dead-on.

Mm, yeah, that's interesting.

She's still out of town. I don't

know when she'll be back.

- Oh, yeah? You talk to her?

- Yep.

- She say anything about me?

- I stay out of her business.

Oh, come on, Phil.

I know you guys are besties.

I messed up. I haven't been...

Putting her first.

But I miss her, I really do.

I mean, you know

how great she is, right?

I just... I just

wanna make things right.

Hey, if you see her,

will you just let her know

that I stopped by

and I dropped off these flowers?

- Yeah, I'll do that for you.

- I appreciate that.

- No worries.

- Alright.

Pete!

I just remembered your name

is Pete. I'm such an ass.

No, you're not, man.

- Just not right for her.

- Sorry, what was that?

I said, "just not

the right key in the door."

Yeah.

- Hey. Did you give me flowers?

- Hey.

I just saw them, but you

didn't sign the card, silly.

Welcome home.

Thanks. You wanna come over?

- I can put them in some water.

- Yeah.

There's something

different about you.

I don't know,

maybe it's your hair,

it's longer or something,

I don't know.

But you look good.

It's good to see you.

It's good to see you, too.

You look good, too.

Thanks.

I wanted to ask you something.

Uh...

- Yes?

- Maybe...

you wanted to tell me

about Santa Barbara,

and maybe you wanted to tell me

about Santa Barbara over dinner?

Dinner?

Yeah, I could do that.

Give me an hour and I'll

tell you more about it.

- So I'll see you in an hour.

- Yeah.

Cool. Alright.

Oh, my god...

Rich. What's up, man?

- Where the f*** are you? -You are

not gonna f***ing believe it.

Guess who has a date

with Michelle.

No! You're babysitting for me,

remember?

- Anniversary? Weird hotel sex?

- Oh, sh*t, dude!

The 22nd.

I f***ing forgot, man!

You need to be on your way

right now.

Well, I can't do that, rich.

Michelle asked me to dinner.

Sorry, man.

Do it another night, okay?

I've had reservations

at Monte Grappa

and a suite for a month.

And the things we're gonna do

in that suite,

we're gonna f***ing

wreck furniture,

we're gonna lose

our security deposit for sure.

- What the hell! Is he close?

- Yeah.

Well, he better be,

because I am done being mommy!

I should be choking on a bar

of hotel soap right now.

Because I've been a bad girl,

haven't I?

You gotta discipline me,

don't you, okay?

You discipline me, not them,

those f***ing monsters!

Get the Vaseline and the

cotton balls and the zip ties.

Oh, and you better have changed the

f***ing light bulb in the closet.

I swear on my children's lives

if you're not here,

I'm gonna rip out

your brand-new Adam's apple

and I'm gonna use it

as a f***ing sex toy!

You know what we're gonna do

in that hotel room? Butt stuff.

I didn't wanna tell you,

but you have forced my hand.

Are you kidding me, rich?

Really?

I've been waiting my whole

f***ing life for this moment!

Things change

when you have children, okay?

You're the one who chose

to have kids.

- Right?

- Yes, and I love them.

But right now, I'm not a father,

I'm just a guy who wants

to violate their mother.

You know what, rich? I wanna do

something for myself for once!

Okay, great.

Good for you, buddy.

Do it another night.

Tonight's my anniversary.

Well, you can move

your anniversary, alright?!

Anniversaries are moveable.

This is my one f***ing

shot at Michelle!

You do not understand

how anniversaries work.

It's a specific date.

That's why I f***ing asked you.

- You're a prick, rich.

- You're an a**hole.

You're a prick!

- Shithead!

- What's a shiphead?

Your uncle Pete.

And it's "shithead."

Josh, tell me, am I crazy?

How was I being selfish?

You weren't. Hos before bros.

You're exactly right.

Hos before bros.

There we go. How do I look?

Outfit's fleek, shoes are weak.

More importantly,

girls like some edge,

so do not be a nice guy.

Well, nice is

the only tune I know.

You cannot be nice, okay?

Be a dick.

Be a dick. Gotcha.

Be a dick.

How did you get us a table here?

Chill, sexy on the half shell,

I got this.

Well, it's great. And I hear the food

here is amazing, and I am hungry.

That's good news for me,

because I like a girl

with a little meat on her bones,

if you know what I mean.

- Yeah.

- No, no, whoa, Bromo, whoa.

What are you doing?

We did not order this.

It's a welcome

the chef offers everyone.

It's lovely.

Thank you very much.

- You want this? It can stay.

- Yeah.

Have some.

Thank you.

It was just really great

to get away and clear my head.

You know, you ever have those

moments when you open your eyes

and you just realize

your whole world has changed?

- You have no idea.

- Like, last night,

I was up late

drinking with Bobby.

You would love it.

He has this old villa from 1908

and this amazing cellar

with these wines...

Alcoholic much?

And we were out on this veranda,

and we were looking up

at a million stars...

Okay, we get it.

You had a good time with Bobby.

Are you jealous?

No, I'm not jealous. How could I be?

I'm just concerned.

If I slept with him, do you think I

would be telling you this story?

Hey, you're single.

Say you didn't sleep with him,

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