The Late Bloomer Page #6

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Sorry, dude.

I cannot believe that she's chillin'

with master flay like that.

What do you mean?

She's getting extra chef time.

That's good for her.

It's what she wants to do.

Easy does it,

Dr. j for "jealous."

I'm not jealous.

You're listening

to metropolitan public radio.

And this is a safe place.

I'm Noema Willcoxen.

My guest today

is Dr. Peter Newmans,

sexual-addiction

therapist and author

of from sex to success,

a book specializing

in the rechanneling

of sexual energy.

- Welcome, Dr. Newmans.

- Thank you so much, Noema.

I just have to say, I'm a huge

fan. And please call me Pete.

It's good to have you on,

Pete. I read your book,

and I was fascinated

by some of your findings.

First, tell us about

the Genesis of your book.

Well, first of all,

I'd like to acknowledge

the time-consuming aspect

that sex plays in all our lives.

We see it in movies,

we see it in billboards,

we even hear it on the

radio! Ahem.

I wanted to draw attention

to the vast,

mostly wasted potential

and everyone who allows sex

to control...

Their lives!

Ahem. Ahem!

- Sorry about that.

- Why don't have some water?

Thank you.

- Have a little more. Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.

The book shows that...

The pursuit of constant

sexual gratification

creates neglect for more important

things like family, career goals...

personal well-being.

Ahem-hem-hem.

Do you think you'll

be okay to continue?

- I think I'm fine. I'm great.

- Alright.

You know, in reading your book,

I couldn't help wondering

about the basis

of your discovery.

If it started with your journey

to remove sex from your life,

as you're suggesting others do.

Well, the book's not about me.

It's about people

who put their lives aside

in pursuit of their next orgasm.

Orgasm. Orgasm!

Ahem.

So your voice cracked

a little bit. Not a big deal.

That's just one of the changes

you're going through right now.

It's only natural to feel

self-conscious or insecure

about your voice or skin or...

- genitals.

- I know what puberty is.

Okay.

Let's watch the tone, huh?

No, no, it's okay.

You can act out, baby.

I'm not a baby.

I'm a full-grown man!

Yes, of course,

you recently are.

We're just trying

to relate here.

You're trying to relate to me?

Really? Thank you for that.

How could you possibly

relate to me?!

Hey, don't talk

to your mother like that.

You don't get it!

You'll never get it!

You're like from another

planet or something!

I hate you! I wish I

was never even born!

I've been waiting 15 years

for him to do that.

Uh...

Hey, Michelle!

Pete, hey.

Did I catch you at a bad time?

No, no, not at all.

It's a great time.

- Oh, gosh, what a day we had.

- We?

Well, there's only

seven of us left.

And this competition

is... fierce.

Oh, you made it to the finals. Wow,

congratulations, that's awesome.

Bobby's inside cooking us

a little late-night snack,

and so I thought I would

come out and see how you are.

So it's you and the sexy chef.

Are you okay?

You sound a little... odd.

No, I'm fine, I'm great.

I... love the update.

- -Alright, guys,

dinner's up.

That's the dinner bell. I gotta go, but

I'll try you back if you want me to.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Try me later, that's fine.

Actually, don't try me later.

Enjoy the wine.

- Enjoy his dick. Boner appetite.

- What?

- Obsessed with that thing much?

- Yeah, I am. It's a new app.

A whole new world.

This one...

Look, it's couples

seeking a third party.

So that'd be me.

Like a threesome?

Okay. Cool. Just concerned

with their well-being, are you?

No, I just wanna

have a threesome.

I need you to babysit

on the 22nd.

What about your neighbor?

What about the one

that's so nice,

the bubbly "I love her so much"?

She drank all our whiskey,

filled the bottles with ice tea.

- What about Luke? -Why are

all these couples so oblong?

- Duly noted.

- Come on, man.

It's our anniversary.

Crazy sex sh*t in a hotel room.

I can't do this

around the house.

The kids are gonna smell it.

When we're done with that room,

they're gonna have to light some Sage

and use it to set the room on fire.

Okay, I'll babysit!

I don't wanna know.

Great. Fix the resolution.

- Oh.

- See? Normal.

- Like me.

- Yeah!

Hey, if you ladies are ready,

you wanna up the f***ing ante?

- Yeah.

- Double it?

If y'all wanna give us 400

instead of two, we'll let ya.

We don't wanna give you 400

instead of two.

- But that's what it would be.

- Yeah, but just...

- No, but we're gonna win.

- We know math.

Oh, really? Okay.

Yeah, that's funny, isn't it?

Let's f***ing do it! You wanna

f***ing play that game?!

Let's go, man! I'm so down!

I'll let you try

that one again, son.

Come on, go for it.

You gotta get it. Oh, oh, oh!

- Oh!

You don't want it

bad enough, man.

I'll give it back to you.

Try again.

- What's your problem?

- Pass or shoot!

Or maybe you wanna hit

my f***ing nuts again.

That was

a completely legal play...

- Shut the f*** up and shoot.

- I'm sorry,

- what the hell are you doing?

- He's playing like a man!

- Fine, then let's play, then.

- Yeah, but is he okay?

I will skin your f***ing

face off and wear it as a hat.

- Take a shot. Let's play.

- That's a little aggressive.

Let's chill out a little bit, buddy.

Take a couple of deep breaths.

The big guy's

about to kill himself.

- I'm not gonna kill myself.

- I'm sorry, is he juicing?

- It's fine.

- F*** this. I gotta go to work.

- Yeah, that's cool.

- Applebee's, I'll see you?

- See you, buddy.

- Have fun. Have a real...

- Alright. Bye, guys.

- That's a victory for us.

Why are you jacking them off

into your own mouth?

- Oh, hey, man.

- What's up?

Oh, god! Dude, you smell

like an ass taco. Jesus.

Try the arctic force.

It's mint. It's nice.

I'll try it.

- How's Becky doing? -Officially with

Brendan, but she keeps texting me,

so I don't know, you know?

I wanna jump in front

of a bus, basically.

I'm sorry, dude.

Girls, you know? They just...

You try to be the nice guy, then

all these things get in the way,

like hormones and testosterone,

mood swings...

- Boners.

- Boners, yeah.

I got one in class

right before the bell rang.

I had to stick it

in my waistband.

- Sweet move.

- The tip poked out,

- and everyone saw.

- Oh, that's harsh.

I just acted confident,

like I did it on purpose,

and everyone started applauding,

which was unexpected.

The rogue boner.

He's a heartless bastard.

I wish I hated Becky Addams. I

wanna ask her to the spring fling,

but I don't know how to exactly,

without sounding like an ass.

School dances are designed

to make 10 popular people

feel really good

about themselves and happy,

and the rest

are scarred for life.

Everybody's got

their Becky Addams. Trust me.

Is yours Michelle?

No, mine's not Michelle!

I am gonna ask her out

whenever she gets back.

That is, if Bobby

hasn't filleted her vagina

and put it on a f***ing plate.

It's not funny, man.

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