The Late Bloomer Page #5

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next to the need to breathe. Okay?

Wanna know how much baby batter

I've shot since I was 13?

- No.

- Twice per day, times...

And I did the weekends,

three times more...

Jesus. That's, like,

3.5 million seconds.

Of course you're more successful

than I am.

You've had so much more time

to get sh*t done.

If I had

all my jerk-off time back,

who knows, I could've been...

The leader of the free world

instead of just...

West valley Honda.

How are women

not running everything?

No, trust me,

women masturbate too.

No sh*t, murder she wrote. Is there

anything else I can get for you?

- I'm Luke.

- I'm off at 5:
30.

- Are you a hypnotist?

- Yeah.

- Pete! Hola!

- Hi.

Hey, I've been dying

to talk to you.

I have to go to Santa

Barbara for a week or so.

I got accepted into this new program

that Bobby flay is sponsoring.

And the end of it,

he's gonna select one of us

to be his sous-chef at a new restaurant

that he's opening up in L.A.

- Holy cow! Yes!

- I know!

I can't believe I made it.

I had to submit one of my dishes

and I guess they liked it enough.

So this is maybe my path to becoming

a chef, and it's mostly your fault.

- Come here.

- Uh-oh!

Just realized I'm late and I gotta go.

I'm so sorry.

I would love to hang out

with you before I leave.

- Me, too. I would love that.

- Okay.

Pete, welcome back!

Ooh, you moisturize. So soft.

So great to have you back.

You know, I'm trying to

rechannel my sexual energy,

but quite frankly,

it's been very difficult,

it's been a challenge for me.

Well, don't beat yourself up

too much, because

if change was easy,

I'd be out of work.

You know, the thing is,

it's a common misconception:

Being a furry is not

just about having sex.

People think that, but it's more of a

lifestyle than anything else, you know?

Y'know, it's about

the memories that you make,

the friends that you

Cherish and it's about the...

The butts that

you sniff, you know?

Once you get your snout

up a couple of good ones,

it's like eating potato chips:

You just keep getting back

into that bag

until there's nothing left,

until it's just a big greasy bag

and you're licking your fingers

at the end. Did you hear that?

Somebody opening up a... can?

I think I understand

your frustration.

Being reduced

to animal instincts.

Being dominated

like a dog or a cat.

Climbing into the lap

of a... of a lover.

Feeling those warm loins

next to you...

While she...

Rubs her fingers

through your hair

and you just...

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's a huge turn-on.

What the f***

is happening here? Are you...

I'm so sorry,

are you hitting on me?

- My mistake.

- -Jennifer is 24,

and she's a tango instructor.

You know,

very limber with the body.

And she has just totally

opened me up sexually, okay?

So, last night, she wanted

me to do something,

you know, a little different.

So she said,

"could you just peg me?"

I didn't even know

what the hell that meant.

I mean, I'm from Connecticut,

for Godssakes.

But apparently it has something

to do with a strap-on.

So I put this strap-on on.

It's like this

gigantic cock, you know,

and she just was

having me, you know,

just drill her again

and again and again.

And I just realized

that I like giving

so much more

than receiving, you know.

Like the power of, you know, just

making a woman, like, come like that.

And she is screaming. I mean, she

has an orgasm. It's like, you know,

it's waking up the cat

down the street,

if you know what I mean.

And she's into it, you know.

Just watching her face as she comes,

like, again and again and again...

Okay. That's all the time

we have today.

No, I'm pretty sure we've

got about 35 minutes left.

F***!

Hey, Pete. Nikki's over.

I'm experimenting with

some food. Wanna come over?

Sounds good.

I'm not feeling well.

What is taking so long?

I'm starving. Oh, hi, Pete.

- Hi.

- -Oh, my...

Hey, would you mind

if I pop those on YouTube?

Uh, I think I'll have to take

a rain check on YouTube,

and I had a big breakfast, so...

- What is wrong with you?

- What? It's a real thing.

- Keep your eyes open.

- Doc.

Help! You gotta help me, okay?

I'm losing my mind.

I'm horny, I'm moody,

and I think I'm going nuts.

- Excuse me.

- It's fine, go ahead.

I'm sorry,

did we have an appointment?

No, we didn't. But you gotta help me, okay?

Because I'm losing my mind, doc.

It's really all happening

way too fast for me.

Look, just calm down.

I'm sorry the process

is so troubling,

but because it's been

delayed for 15 years,

it's actually not surprising

that your puberty experience

is happening at

a highly accelerated speed.

- It's actually quite fascinating.

- Oh, it's fascinating? Good.

I'm glad my misery

can be an upper for you, doc.

- I didn't mean it that way.

- Can you just give me a pill

that'll make me a normal kind of

human being going through puberty?

That's all I need from you.

That's why I'm here.

If I could create a pill that cured

puberty, I could buy France.

- Hey. Got a minute?

- Yes. Come on in, please, yes.

I'm sorry about Nikki. Your face

looks a lot better, though.

Yeah. You know those guys

at proactiv, that Adam Levine,

they just know what

they're doing. Have a seat.

Oh, thanks. I actually can't

stay long. I have to pack.

I'm leaving for that cooking

retreat thing I told you about.

I'm leaving tomorrow, so I

just wanted to come say goodbye.

Oh. Well, goodbye.

Are you okay?

Yeah. No. Why?

Do I seem like I'm not okay?

Ever since you came back

from that family thing,

it just seems like

you've been avoiding me.

Or... I don't know,

you just seem different.

It's just, uh...

Look, if...

When you come back...

We'll have a lot to talk about.

- Good.

- I'll be ready by then.

To talk.

About whatever, yeah.

- Well...

- Let me walk you out!

- Oh, it's okay. Okay, bye.

- Okay. Bye. Oh...

- Okay.

- Bye.

Okay, yeah.

Hey, Michelle.

- Pete, hey.

- Wow, you look great.

How was your first day?

- Dude, I'm getting raped here.

- Shut the f*** up. Don't say raped.

He's not getting raped.

We're just playing a video game.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, that's cool.

- Hey, what's up, Michelle?

Hey, Josh.

Pete, oh, my gosh.

Things are going so, so great here. Bobby

is incredible. I'm learning so much.

Oh, that's great.

So it's "Bobby" now?

Well, he insisted

that we call him Bobby.

He's very down-to-earth.

And totally normal,

not to mention very handsome.

- I heard that!

- I got busted.

So... you're at his house

right now, just you?

There's a few of us here,

but it's not like... like that.

- Are you drunk?

- -She's not sober!

Quiet! I'm actually teacher's

pet, which is quite nice.

But he's very hands-on

with all the contestants.

- Oh, I bet. -Okay, well, I'm

kind of in the middle of a game.

I'm glad you're having fun.

That's fantastic.

But I promise to call you

tomorrow, okay?

- Yeah.

- Alright. Bye.

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