The Late Bloomer Page #4

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a few weeks off work.

You're gonna be okay.

There's nothing to worry about.

Actually, more like

champagne grapes.

Yeah, they are.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm still feeling great.

Hi, honey.

We're here for you.

I'm sorry we let you down.

We're not doctors so,

you know, how could we...?

How you feeling?

When rich told me that the tumor

had kept you trapped inside

the body of a 7th-grader

and that's why you've never

had sex or an erection,

I felt so happy for you.

This hospital smells so bad...

But... you

smell really good.

Now you'll be able to experience the

full essence of your masculinity.

Yeah, right.

How about that, pal?

Just... I don't know,

kind of reminds me of sex.

Do you wonder

what it looks like?

- Just do it.

- I'm not gonna do it.

- Just do it. You're bros.

- Okay.

Just pull back the covers.

- Oh!

- Oh-ho... that's... sweet.

That's gonna improve.

Well, the surgery was a success.

It may take a while before

you start noticing changes,

but, uh... just

focus on your recovery.

Finally gonna be a man.

And good luck with that.

I'm channeling

from your spirit guide.

May the great goddess shakti...

Inspire this blessed heart...

And may the universal energy...

Bring joy and life

up through the heart,

out into the universe

through this human body.

Thank you to our brothers

and sisters of the Pleiades.

Namaste.

Thank you, mom.

I really like recouping here.

We all love you, honey.

We all love you!

Look at you!

Everything alright in there?

Yep.

- Hey.

- Hey, how's it going, buddy?

You getting wood yet?

Sorry.

- We talked about this.

- Right.

You said you're gonna go in,

grab his penis.

I said don't do it.

You said you wouldn't.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

We've just been talking

about whether

you got wood or not,

and I've just

been thinking about it,

and I just wanted

to see if you did.

I feel the same as I did before,

and I'm starting to worry that the

surgery might not have worked.

Of course it worked!

You were at a hospital

with doctors who went to school

for this sort of thing.

I can't go back to living

the way that I lived before,

knowing what I know now.

It's going to work,

and trust me,

you are going

to love sporting wood.

I do it all the time.

As much as I can. I love it.

- Yeah, he tells me about it each time.

- Yeah, you know.

You definitely

don't have to text me,

because my wife and I,

we share a cloud.

Don't talk to my wife

about your penis!

Fine! I'll get you a different phone

or something so I can text you.

It's not... I don't need

a burner for your penis.

How about this?

How about one time,

you masturbate, don't tell me,

see how that affects your life?

- I'm not gonna like that.

- I have a question.

If you could never actually

physically perform...

- Mm-hmm.

- Like have sex with somebody.

- Mm-hm. -What about that

time in high school

that you told us about?

Well, um, technically,

there was penetration.

- Great. -But, technically,

I was not erect.

So, technically, it was

the worst day of my life.

How did you get it all in

there if it's not hard?

She said it was like making

love to a boneless thumb.

- Ah... so specific.

- And right now,

I got nothing. Zero.

Nothing happening down there.

Got the penis of Stephen Hawking

at the moment.

I don't wanna split hairs,

but Stephen Hawking

could actually get an erection.

But you're trying to say

that your penis is brilliant.

Alright, well,

for your Stephen Hawking,

we have brought a black hole...

- Well...

- That... seemed disrespectful.

It's gonna be great.

Come on in.

So sorry we kept you waiting.

Pete, Montana

is a professional stripper.

Who we've brought here

to give you a boner.

I felt like that subtext

was very clear.

- I got you.

- Do you get it?

- Yeah.

- Cool. Very cool.

So, Montana... do your thing.

- Huh? Huh?

Get out.

- Mm-mm...

- No...

- Just go.

- Um, we did pay for it...

Her. Her.

If one thing leads to another,

we could always pay you more.

We won't tell the cops

if you guys have sex.

- Shhh! Don't f***ing...

- I'm hard. -But don't tell me.

We just discussed this.

- Wow! That's actually impressive.

- Thanks, man.

- How's it going up there?

- Oh, uh, pretty good.

She's a great gal. I think she's

got his best interests in mind.

- Yeah, she's a hooker, Luke.

- Right.

It's not you.

Let me just put it that way.

I've been through an immense

amount of pressure,

personal stress, since

about the age of...

honey, it's okay.

I've been thinking about getting

my real-estate license.

Petey?

Breakfast is ready!

I will eat your eggs!

Hey, Carmen, can you get me

some more orange juice, please?

And cut up some apples

in little tiny pieces.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, hon.

Hey, pal.

- Oh, my god!

- Oh!

- The flame has arisen!

- Touchdown!

Ha-ha-ha! He could put out

an eye with that one.

It's like he's got the Sunday

times rolled up in there.

- Don't be embarrassed!

- Embarrassed?

Be proud, young man!

Take a victory lap!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

We got one!

- Thanks for everything, guys!

You're not stepping out that door

until you have some breakfast.

- Thanks, mom, I'm really...

- Let him go, hon.

It's time to get on that field

and score.

- Gotta go! Gotta go!

- Call me!

- Tell me what happens! Call me!

- Okay, I will!

- Luke.

- Pete! What are you doing here?

Or, no, it's your house. That's what

you're doing here. But like, today,

I thought you were gonna

get here... tomorrow.

But it's so awesome to see you.

I'm so glad you're here. C'mere.

- Ah! Naked! Get off me. -I know

you said emergencies only, but...

Rosalyn wanted a place to...

Have sex with me.

- So we came here. -Your bed

was really comfortable.

- You used my f***ing bed?

- We did it everywhere.

Get the f*** out. Get out.

- Did I do something wrong?

- Get out. Get out.

- Get out.

- Both of us?

- Both of you.

- Now?

- Yeah, get out. Get out.

- I guess we have to go.

- Yeah, that's a good idea.

- Dude! Congratulations!

- That's awesome! That's great!

- F***!

Rich is gonna be so excited!

Let's go.

Let's give him some privacy.

He just got a boner

for the first time.

I'm pretty sure I've got

carpal tunnel syndrome.

- It's part of the process.

- My son is already starting.

The other day, I walked in on

him, he's watching Spongebob,

his six-year-old Wang

is in a bowl of apple sauce.

- Wow. What'd you do?

- Shut the door,

- gave him his privacy.

- Oh, that's what's up.

You know, every moment,

it seems to be a new thought,

like a new realization,

and most of them are good.

Like I know for a 100% fact that I

definitely wanna be with Michelle now.

But I'm freaked out.

What if she's not into me?

But also what if she does like me? Now I

have something to actually do about it.

Why can't I stop jerking off?

Last night, I jerked it to just

the theme from game of thrones.

I couldn't even hold out

for Khaleesi.

The need to Jack off is right there

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