The Late Bloomer Page #3

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restaurant out there?

No, she's not dressed up

or anything.

I just really needed

to talk to somebody,

and... I really only wanted

to talk to you.

So I really appreciate

that you were there.

And sorry if, you know,

things got weird,

and, you know,

like, we kissed and stuff,

- or whatever.

- I'm here for you.

She went in for an emotional hug

and he chose...

A back-slapper.

He wants cock. I don't understand why

he just won't embrace some cock.

Let him have cock

if he wants cock.

Okay, $47 to stop

saying cock, okay?

Have you ever seen him

look twice at a dude? No.

Enough with the gay thing. We're

not children. Don't say "cock."

- Cock.

- Don't...!

- Sorry, I didn't mean to.

- Say cock!

Cock, cock, cock,

cock, cock, cock, cock...

Seriously,

why won't you even try?

I mean, fresh off a breakup,

that's strike time!

- I mean, that's when you do it.

- Yeah, go for it.

Sure, that's what you would do.

You would take advantage

of the situation.

I believe that Michelle needed

actual kindness last night.

- No. I bet she didn't.

- Genuine kindness.

- I bet what she wanted...

- Was penis.

Yeah, was a nice penis.

Do you really wanna be the guy

that women confide in?

- Oh, god, no. No, no, no.

- Yeah, you don't.

Then I'd have to make a highly

successful career out of that.

Alright, you don't have

to say "highly successful."

Michelle confides in me

because she trusts me.

- That's the point. -Yeah, but

therapists can be f***ed up

in their personal lives, too.

I mean, Freud banged his mom.

- You're an idiot. -Mm-hmm. Pretty

sure they wrote a play about it.

So it's nine days in Santa Barbara that

could potentially change your life.

What's there to think about?

Nine days? I'll never get that

time off from the gallery.

Oh, yes, you will, if you ask.

You haven't taken a vacation

since I've known you.

Besides, it's not a vacation,

it's the start of your career.

Now you sound like Pete. He'd

be so thrilled if I did this.

- Okay, about Pete...

- He's not gay.

I think he's a serial killer.

I do.

He's always 'round here

mincing around

with that small waist.

Ugh. Creepy.

And the way he looks at you,

that's not love.

He's clocking your every move.

I don't like it.

I don't like it, Michelle.

And he dresses better

than both of us.

That is gay or serial killer.

Well, I think that he's very...

Kind and he's genuine.

And when I'm around him,

I feel... I feel safe.

Listen, I'm sorry,

at some point, guys need sex.

- Have you tried it on with him?

- Last night, I was...

I was feeling really shitty about

the whole Charlie situation

and I was feeling very vulnerable, and...

I kissed him.

Mm-hmm.

And he didn't

take advantage of that.

Classic serial killer.

- Ooh! Welcome back, ladies.

- Double or nothing.

- Okay, $200 it is. -Remind me why

you a**holes didn't pay last time?

'Cause your mother

needed help with the rent.

Okay, let's leave the mothers

out of it today, rich,

and let's get our head in the game,

play a little basketball, okay?

You heard dickless, let's go.

Oh!

Yeah! Straight out

of cobra, b*tch!

- What time do you get off?

- Midnight.

- Luke, she's working.

- Took a shot to the nuts.

Might've also dinged his melon,

'cause he dropped

like a box of rocks.

Alright, just checking

for internal bleeding.

Just to be safe,

let's order up a cat scan.

- How's your insurance?

- I'm a PHD.

Yahtzee. You know what?

Make it a cat scan and an MRI.

- My head is fine. -Look, we

just need to be certain,

so just take it easy, alright? I'm

gonna do a quick examination.

Just try to relax for me. Nurse,

let's take a closer look, please.

- No, no, no! -I just wanna see if

everything has adjusted on its own.

Damn, they're like

little quail eggs.

I've got some, uh,

rather serious MRI results.

We found a brain tumor, benign,

thankfully, but quite sizable.

- Jesus. -It's probably

been there for many years,

pressed up against

your pituitary gland.

The pressure it's applied

has caused your body

to produce the female

hormone prolactin,

which has blocked

your normal male development.

We found just trace amounts

of testosterone.

Basically, you've never

gone through puberty.

- I have a brain tumor?

- Yes.

That...

is....

Awesome.

That is awesome!

Okay, well, seems

you're in shock, but...

See, I thought

I was a freak! I thought,

you're different, but what am I?

I thought,

you're some kind of anomaly,

but what the f*** kind

of weirdo we talking about?

And you're saying I'm normal?

Yes. That would explain why

you've never physically matured,

- the lack of hair, the boy balls.

- The what?

Sometimes the nurses coin a

phrase that sticks in your head.

This is the best damn day

of my life.

- So what do we do now?

- Well, given its placement,

I think we can remove it

fairly easily through your nose.

You're gonna take this life-sucking,

puberty-f***ing tumor

out of my brain through my nose?

Can we go now?

But why couldn't you tell your

best friends that you're a weirdo?

- You don't have to answer that.

- Why?

Because you just did!

You called him a weirdo!

No, but he has a point. Who wants to

be treated like the elephant man?

But, like,

you still could've told us.

I mean, who we gonna tell?

Maybe my sisters, but they're,

- like, in seventh grade.

- Don't tell your sisters.

I'm really close to my sisters.

That's okay.

But do you tell them

- every time you masturbate?

- Not every time.

Hang on, Pete.

So after puberty didn't happen,

weren't you, like,

"this is f***ed up.

I'm really worried about this"?

Of course! Yes! I was worried

of people finding out.

I was worried that people

were gonna find out

I was a freakazoid

with baby balls who'd...

never even had

an erection before.

But didn't you think a doctor

could maybe figure out...

No. I never told a doctor

about this. Are you crazy?

Right, 'cause they'd

make fun of you?

No, that's not it at all.

I was...

Scared shitless

that they'd tell me

that I would be

like this forever.

And all I ever wanted

was to be normal,

and I couldn't let a doctor

kill my hope

that normal was possible.

Dude, that actually makes sense.

That's, like, super zen.

I mean, this is great.

You're normal now.

You got to tell Michelle,

play the sympathy card, right?

- No. -I'm gonna hate

myself in the morning

for saying this,

but that could actually be

the greatest closing line

of all time.

"Hey, baby,

I've never had an erection,

and I just had elective surgery

to remove a tumor from my brain

and I'm getting

my first erection,

looking for the right girl

to utilize it on."

Neither one of you f***ing say

a word to Michelle! Okay?

Besides, we don't even know

what's gonna come of this.

Well, hopefully you are.

Gonna come from this?

- You know? -You mean, like...

Like ejaculating?

Yes. C-u-m.

It's c-o-m-e.

Recovery should be fairly quick.

But you'll have to take

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