The Legend of Awesomest Maximus

(Narrator)

The world's fate

is decided by legends,

men who are larger than life,

whose tales

of bravery and courage

don't just echo

through their time,

but through all time.

And so it was

with Awesomest Maximus.

Oops. Sorry, buddy.

(chuckles)

(Narrator)

Even if he was

one stupid motherf***er.

Hey, Quantus,

my main man.

How's all

this stuff looking?

Good, General.

As you can see,

the odds are heavily

in our favor.

Hm. Super.

Ready to finish

this, General.

Something is amiss.

Super. Thanks, Larry.

Just go ahead

and top her off there.

Oo-oo, when!

(chuckles) Okay.

To strength

and honor.

Yeah, and beer

and blowj*bs.

Wow, meow.

Shink.

(roars)

(grunts repeatedly)

You know, why don't we

just go with the archers.

The cavalry

is too close,

General.

The cavalry's fine.

Sheesh.

- Fire.

- Fire!

(arrows hitting)

(neighing)

(men screaming)

Probably just

move the cavalry back

a little bit

next time,

because this...

(Narrator)

The gods foretold

that Awesomest Maximus

would one day become

the greatest general

who ever lived.

And when your destiny

has been prophecied

by the gods,

sh*t, you might as well

go to the titty bar

and get f***ed up.

(clears throat)

General.

Hey, Quantas.

What's up dude?

Check this out.

(makes blubbery sound)

That's awesome,

Awesomest.

I call it

a motor boat.

- What is a motor boat?

- A boat with a motor. Duh.

- And what is a motor?

- Beats the sh*t out of me.

Shots?

King Looney would like

to see you, sir.

King Looney,

your father-in-law.

Your wife, the princess.

Her father,

King Looney, sir?

Oh, no.

She's fine with it!

You're barbarian strippers!

You blow yaks

for a shiny pebble.

What the--

Thanks a lot,

Captain Cockblock.

What is your deal,

anyway, dude?

Don't you like tits?

I like tits.

You hate tits.

- I love tits.

- No you don't.

Yes, I do.

Touch.

(man chuckling)

Awesomest.

Girls, leave us.

But not for too long.

These pills only last

for four hours.

(Narrator)

King Looney, ruler over all

which he surveyed.

and crazier than

a sh*t house rat

with syphilis in his brain.

It's good to be king,

isn't it, Sire?

Oh, yes.

Yes, indeed.

Awesomest, you're the son

I never had.

What about Orlando?

Orlando's a p*ssy

and I think he likes boys.

Good point.

So how's married life?

You know Hottessa.

Once a princess,

always a princess.

Yeah, just like her mother.

I think she's worried

you might name

Orlando next in line

to be king, Your Highness.

Wouldn't he technically

be queen?

(Awesomest laughing)

That's good.

(Looney)

Okay, let's get with it.

I want you to join

Orlando in Greece.

What's he doing

in Greece?

I want you to help him

kiss their hairy Greek asses.

And make sure he doesn't

piss them off,

so they don't send

millions of guys

over here to enslave us

and get weird

with our women.

If I may.

I can handle

this, sir.

We don't need

to bother our

great general.

I am a great general.

- Yes you are.

- Yes I am.

- I was being sarcastic.

- You were not.

The fate of Troy

is in your hands,

Awesomest.

Okay, Looney.

I'm on it.

Forgive me, Sire, but

Awesomest can barely

handle himself.

Are you sure he's ready

for such a mission?

I mean, he's always had

the army and myself

to cover his ass.

You forget.

When Awesomest was born

the gods said he was

destined to be a legend.

But Sire, I'm not

really sure that--

We have the greatest

army in the world.

How bad can he

f*** things up?

Bad.

(Narrator)

It was the first time

Awesomest had been sent

on an important

mission alone.

So he decided to talk it

over with his gold digging,

b*tch ass wife, Hottessa.

Like she knew what the f***.

Awesomest.

Get your head out of your

ass and listen to me.

This is a good thing.

Daddy has never given you

this much personal

responsibility.

He must finally

be realizing

that Orlando

is a total homo.

And Troy can't have

a gay king.

You know what this

means, Awesomest?

If this works out,

he'll make you

King of Troy.

And that means I will

get to be the queen.

And we'll move

into the castle

and have tons

of servants,

and I get invited

to all the best parties.

Don't f*** this up!

No, I won't.

Sounds great!

Ooo, maybe you and l

should have a little--

(clicks tongue)

celebration.

(whistles cuckoo tune)

We're married,

Awesomest.

You have to

earn it first.

Fat ass b*tch.

What was that?

N-nothing. I was

talking about me.

I'm-I'm fat.

I'm a fat man.

I wanna work out for you.

I wanna lose--

do yoga with you.

Hot yoga with--

I love you.

(narrator)

Meanwhile, the

self-proclaimed Greek god

King Erotic, the most

ruthless king in the land.

I mean, this guy was

a real prick,

and weird in a

"Don't leave him

alone with kids"

kind of way,

if you know what

I'm talking about.

Anyway, he was about

to conquer the savages

from Thessaly.

And after bringing Thessaly

under Greek rule,

he would be the man.

It is a good day

for the crows.

(King Erotic)

And I hear they love

the taste of THESS-alians.

Yes.

Thes-SA-lians.

That's what I said.

No, you were accentuating

the wrong syllable.

Whatever!

I'm supposed to be

at an orgy in half-an-hour.

I've pushed it back

four times already.

So I'm going to be

a very generous

god-king here, okay?

Rather than me

killing all of your men

Iet's save some lives

and some time

and whatnot

and do it

old school.

Your best fighter

versus mine.

If my guy wins,

you submit to my rule,

plain and simple.

And if my guy wins?

Then I'll leave.

Really?

You have my word.

Deal.

Ginormous!

Jesus.

How big was

his mama's vag?

(narrator)

Not big enough.

Testiclees.

(evil laugh)

Testiclees?

Ginormous has this effect

on many men.

Where the f*** is he?

This is embarrassing.

I mean, come on!

I'm standing here

calling him,

we're all here,

and he's not

answering me?

I'm so tired of this.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I know your time

is important.

My time is important.

(Narrator)

Testiclees.

He was King Erotic's

greatest warrior

and immortal among men

and kind of a p*ssy-lipped

b*tch at the same time.

Me?

Carbs?

Sh*t.

(boy)

Testiclees.

King Erotic wants

to see you.

Tell your king

I'm not going anywhere

until I'm finished

with my man-scaping.

(narrator)

As legend had it,

when Testiclees was born

a goddess dipped him

in a magical river

that would make him

indestructible.

But since she was

holding him by

his little baby balls,

Testiclees' testicles

remained vulnerable

to the sword.

(baby crying)

Testiclees.

Your swords.

(grunts)

Are those stories

about you true?

That I wax my ass?

No.

That I banged my mom

once by accident

when we were

both wasted?

What's the big deal?

We were both single.

No, not that.

This Ginormous guy.

Biggest guy I've

ever seen.

I wouldn't want

to fight him.

(sighs)

That's why no one's

gonna remember

your name.

I don't want to fight him

because I'm only

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