The Legend of Awesomest Maximus Page #2

ten years old.

Yeah.

Whatever, p*ssy.

Yeah, well the only reason

you'll be remembered

is because you're named

after what's inside my

ball sack, jerk off.

(King Erotic)

Look who decided

to join us.

Eat me.

Why you gotta be

such a prima donna?

You know what?

I don't need this sh*t.

Testiclees, wait!

Look at

the men's faces.

(Testiclees)

Good lord.

(King Erotic)

You, and only you

can send them back

to their pathetic families

with one swing

of your sword.

He's such

an a**hole.

You motherf***er!

(screams in agony)

Is there no one else?

Is there no one else?

Stop it, you dick.

I didn't think so.

Who are you, soldier?

Testiclees.

The greatest warrior

that ever lived.

And the humblest, too.

P*ssy.

(narrator)

After conquering

the Thessalians

King Erotic was now

an even bigger threat

to Troy.

And so Awesomest met up

with his brother-in-law

Orlando

at Erotic's post

victory party

to kiss Erotic's ass,

but with no tongue,

because this silly fruitcup

would probably

like that sh*t.

On the behalf of myself

and my beautiful

young wife, Ellen,

we welcome you

to Greece.

Let us drink as friends!

As friends!

At least until

one of us fucks

the other over.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I'm kidding.

It's a joke.

(laughs)

She gets it.

(laughs)

You f***er!

You f***er.

Orlando.

That's Erotic's wife.

I know that.

Could you be

any less subtle?

I could try.

(Orlando)

Excuse me. Pardon me.

I'm trying to rendevous

with Ellen.

F***ing douche bag.

(gasps)

You shouldn't be here.

That's what you said

last night.

Last night, I was

rolling on E.

And the night before?

I think I was

pretty drunk.

(whispers)

Yeah, you were

pretty wasted.

I've been messed up

all week.

(whispers)

I know.

This is the best

spring break ever!

Oh, Orlando.

(Ellen in distance)

Oh, oh!

(gasping)

Oh, oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

This boar is fantastic!

(Ellen shrieking

in background)

Orlando!

You're amazing!

I would have never thought

of putting this with this.

You have a real eye

for fashion.

Oh, my God, seriously?

You think? Really?

Well, better than any man

I've ever met.

Oh, I am so messed up

right now,

but I love

hanging out with you!

Me too!

I have the best idea.

I have the best idea.

You should come back

to Troy with me.

Okay-dokey.

Let's not get crazy.

I'm serious.

It would be

so much fun.

I have--

I have a huge

trust fund.

How huge?

It's pretty big.

If you come back,

it will break the peace

between Troy and Greece,

millions of men will die,

the gods'll curse us,

we'll get burned alive.

But it's been

a great week!

It has.

Plus, it'll keep my dad

from thinking that

I like guys.

What about the other day

when I caught you

watching the guard pee?

I mean, listen.

I'm definitely

Iike, going through

some sort of

experimental phase

right now?

But I like chicks.

No, I do.

I like chicks.

I-- I like chicks.

Especially chicks

with a keen sense

of style like you!

Look at that!

(laughs)

You're sweet.

So will you come back

with me, please?

Please?

Pretty please?

Well, it could be

kind of hot

to have a--

war fought over me,

so... count me in.

Yes! Yes!

Hello, Mr. Awesomest.

Hey, Orlando.

Greeks sure know

how to party, huh?

Yeah.

I love you.

Thanks.

Do you love me, too?

Where's this going?

I have something

to tell you,

and you need

to promise me

that you won't

be mad, okay?

So put up

your pinky

and let's do

a pinky swear.

Hi.

Oh, sh*t.

Back to Greece!

No, Awesomest!

Please wait.

Hold on!

I am in love

with her.

Orlando, you've been

rolling on Ecstasy

for a week.

You love everybody.

That's totally true.

But this one

is for real.

Orlando, when the Greeks

find out that Ellen

has gone missing

they're going to sh*t.

Orlando.

This is how wars

get started, man.

If you take her back,

well then guess what, buddy?

I'm going back, too,

because this is the

girl that I love.

I love her and

I love you.

Okay, you're still

rolling, aren't you?

No. Yes!

Look, man. I promised

your dad and Hottessa

that I would be responsible

on this trip and keep the

peace with Greece. Okay?

And I'm pretty sure your dad

knows that I was the one

who got drunk and took

a sh*t in his sink, so

I can't f*** this up.

Awesomest, please.

Orlando, are you going to

let Troy get all f***ed up

over some skank?

(gasps)

No, f*** it.

To Troy!

We're going,

we're not going.

You wanna make up

your mind, here?

Daddy? This is Ellen.

Ellen of Greece?

No, not any more.

Ellen of Troy.

Oh.

(kissing sound)

I had no idea,

King Looney, I swear.

Sound the horns!

My son's banging

a chick!

(King Looney)

It's party time!

Great news!

Welcome to Troy, my dear.

Thank you, my king.

Forgive me, Sire,

but this could mean war.

Oh, f*** that.

Focus on what's important.

My son's no pole smoker.

He don't gobble no goop.

No, no sirree!

I love vagina.

Vagina, vagina, vagina.

My vagina.

Her vagina.

The bearded clam.

- The axe wound.

- Hey, the ole honey pot.

- Hey, the love box.

- The ham wallet.

- The beef curtain.

- The old fish taco.

The bear trap.

The growler.

The pair of flaps.

The tuna tunnel.

The penis place.

Come on. Let's get

you settled in, my dear.

Son, this is a triple A

piece of ass. Woo!

(Narrator)

Meanwhile, King Erotic

prepared for war.

But he needed the help

of his top earner,

Testiclees,

who was training

with his cousin.

Testiclees' Cousin

emulated Testiclees

in every way,

except one way.

Ow! F***er.

(laughs)

Come on,

Testiclees' Cousin.

Take it like a man.

Yeah. Come on.

Testiclees.

Testiclees's Cousin.

What do you want?

I want you to fight

the Trojans with us.

What are we fighting

for this time?

Their prince stole my wife

and dishonored Greece.

(laughs)

Why should I care

about your whore wife?

Because you will get

a lot of glory and people

will remember your name.

And not just because

it's named after the scrotum.

Glory, huh?

Mm-hmm.

How much glory

we talking about?

Big. A lot.

Like echoing throughout

eternity type sh*t.

Yeah. You could have

a deli sandwich named

after you.

Shut up,

Testiclees' Cousin.

All right.

All right, I'm in.

As soon as I get

my mother's permission.

Milfia, your son

is here.

Hi, Mom.

Son.

You look really hot.

Thanks.

(Narrator)

Even if she was my ma,

I'd f*** her.

So you want my opinion

on whether you should

go to fight the Trojans.

How do you

know that?

A mother knows.

If you go to Troy

and fight,

you will have glory.

(grunts)

But you'll die.

Yeah, I figured

as much.

But if you stay here,

we could pretend to be

just friends.

Mother and son,

whatever.

And it can get

really hot,

Iike the time we

both got tanked

on New Year's.

Yeah, I'm not really

okay with that.

I think I'm gonna go.

But we're only

five years apart.

Alexander the Great's

mother was six months

younger than him.

Mom, two wrongs

don't make a right.

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