The Legend of Awesomest Maximus Page #3

That depends on how wrong

you're willing to be.

I want you inside me.

I was inside you,

for nine months.

So you just f*** me

and chuck me.

You son of a b*tch.

I can't believe you

screwed this up.

Me? Oh, come on.

Orlando's the one

that brought

the skank home.

Besides, your

dad's happy.

You're the only one

who's pissed.

My dad is out of his

f***ing mind, Awesomest.

Now he's going to think

Orlando isn't a fudgepacker

and he's gonna

make him king.

And you know what?

I just spent a fortune

on this crown.

Oh, Hottessa.

Look at the bright side.

Once King Erotic finds out

that Orlando stole his wife,

there won't be a kingdom

for anyone to be king

or queen of anyways.

Oh, come on!

You know, I bet Erotic

gets so much trim,

he won't even miss her.

You had better

make this right.

What do you want me

to do about it?

Go ask the ephors

how to fix your mistake,

and prove yourself

in my father's eyes.

And if everything goes

according to plan,

I will finally let you

(whispers).

Bye.

(Narrator)

And so Awesomest went

to see the ephors.

They were some gross,

diseased, low life

sons of b*tches

who claimed to consult

directly with the gods.

Either that, or they were

just high as sh*t.

Hi, ephors.

Hello General

Awesomest Maximus.

You guys look

really good.

Looks like this is clearing

up since I saw you,

especially that one

right there.

Ow. Okay.

Not cool.

Won't you come in?

(Narrator)

The thing about

the ephors was

you may not get

the answers you came for,

but if you played

your cards right

you might get

your balls drained.

I mean, damn!

So what's the deal here?

These girls can only

channel the gods

while you guys

are perving on 'em?

Yep, basically.

It's a pretty good

line of sh*t.

Yes, that was

on me.

Okay, good.

So let's get down

to brass tacks.

I f***ed over

King Erotic pretty bad.

And now there's

probably gonna

be a big war

and my wife's gonna

be super pissed.

Yeah, so I need

your help.

Let us consult

the Oracle.

Ellen?

(gasps)

What the f***

are you doing here?

Please don't tell

Orlando.

Wait a minute.

How'd you even

get this job?

You've only been in Troy

an hour-and-a-half.

Friend of a friend.

(over loudspeaker)

Ellen, report to pole 3.

Gotta go.

My turn on the pole.

All right. Well, I guess

I'll just--I'll see you

at the castle.

Anyway, I know her.

It's weird.

She's kinda family.

I'll explain it.

Long story.

Anyway, now what?

Now what what?

I need the gods'

guidance.

Let us consult

the Oracle.

The Oracle

just left.

- There are others.

- Many others.

How many?

Like seven.

Wow.

I really should have

stayed in school.

Poor thing.

You know what I like.

Do you really

want me to?

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

That's f***ing sad

and gross at the same time.

So what's the verdict?

The verdict

about what?

About what I'm

supposed to do

to save Troy

from the Greeks.

Right.

That.

(both laugh)

Really mature.

Great.

No, I don't

want any.

P*ssy.

The gods say you must

team up with a horse

with wings,

and a owl

made of gold

and you have to cut

the head off Medusa.

(snickers)

Who the f***

is Medusa?

No, no, no.

He's just

f***ing with you.

Oh, ha. That's hilarious.

That's great.

I have an idea.

Pick a number between

1 and 10,000.

What?

He said,

"Pick a number--

-I heard him.

-"between 1 and 10,000."

Thank you

very much.

Um, 300.

300?

Boom.

That's it.

What's it?

Bro. F***in' nailed it.

Nailed-- What are

you guys talking about?

The gods say that

Awesomest Maximus

must fight the Greeks

with 300 soldiers.

Wait, 300 soldiers?

versus King Erotic's

million man army.

The gods say that

anybody can beat the Greeks

with the whole

Trojan army.

But only a real general,

fit to be king,

can win with only

300 guys.

That makes no sense.

You make no sense.

Are you challenging

the gods?

Look, I just got

one question.

Is it 300 including me

or 300 plus me, like

301 or 299?

Dude, it's the gods.

Don't over think it.

This is f***ing

ridiculous.

Oh, the gods also say

that their costumes

have to be super faggy.

(idiotic laughing)

Aa-oo!

So? Don't they

look wonderful?

Well, you don't got

enough gay sh*t

going on here?

That's a good point.

We don't.

I'll get on that.

Gotcha!

You wanna take those

long ass arms

off me?

Excuse me?

F*** with me.

You're coming

with me.

Well, what do we

have here?

I found him

hiding in a tree.

I wasn't hiding.

I'm three foot tall,

you a**hole.

General, my name

is Minoritees.

At your service.

(narrator)

Minoritees. His mom

actually called him that.

Your mom actually

called you that?

What a b*tch.

Yes, she is.

I'm a son of Troy

and I wanna help

kick some Greek ass.

(shouts)

That was cute.

That's not cute.

Show him some respect.

He's pretty tough

for a little guy.

Thank you, General.

My mother hid me

as a baby

but I spent my entire life

making myself one

with spear.

(grunts)

My God, that was

a nice thrust.

And watch this.

- You like that?

- I like it a lot.

Nice moves.

- Pretty good rhythm.

- Very good rhythm, yeah.

Here, take this.

What's this?

I call it fried chicken.

Try it.

It's f***ing delicious.

You know what?

It is f***ing delicious.

General Awesomest.

We spotted the Greeks,

attacking by sea.

Let's go get 'em.

Hold on. You're not

coming with us.

Why? Is it because

I'm black?

What? No.

What kind of a**hole

do you think I am?

No, of course not.

It's because I'm

a little person?

No, no.

Well, what is it then?

All right. It's because

you're black.

You know what?

F*** y'all.

And especially you,

Awesomest.

You watch your back.

And give me my fried

chicken back, motherf***er.

Hey!

(crunch)

Sh*t.

(Awesomest muttering)

(Minoritees)

F*** that! Big

honkey ass motherf***er!

I think we should

prepare for battle, General.

We're prepared.

You don't have a helmet

or sword.

My helmet is over there

in the weeds

-and we got swords.

-You need that for battle.

Why don't you

prepare for battle?

(Orlando)

Should I prepare for battle?

You don't prepare for battle.

You prepare for battle.

- I'll prepare for battle.

- You will never prepare for battle.

Prepare for battle!

Oo-ah!

My first fight.

This is really exciting.

Thanks for bringing

me, cousin.

I'll make you proud.

I'll be working on some

sick sword combo moves.

There'll be dead

Trojans everywhere!

Actually, you're gonna be

staying on the ship.

Are you serious?

I can't fight and watch

your ass at the same time.

That is such bullshit.

(whines)

Testiclees?

Are you sure you

don't want to wait

for everyone else?

I mean, we're only

ten dudes on a boat, here.

(snickers)

(sighs)

Look, yeah.

There might be thousands

of them, with bows

and arrows,

and they'll have a huge

strategic advantage over us

because they'll be attacking

us from an elevated plain.

And yeah. Our goal

of taking the beach

might be easier to achieve

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