The Legend of Awesomest Maximus Page #4

if we had waited

for the thousand ships

behind us,

but we're not just

ten dudes.

We're ten tough dudes!

(cheering)

Am I right?

Yeah!

Do you know what's

beyond that beach?

An open bar!

No, but I like the way

you think.

Hot Trojan ass?

No.

More gay sh*t?

Who said that?

Definitely him,

not me.

So what then?

Immortality!

Take it!

It's yours!

Yeah!

All right, Testiclees.

I really hate to be

that guy...

Well, you're being

that guy.

I'm trying to think

of things rationally.

Whenever someone says,

"l don't want

to be that guy"

then they're being

that guy.

We are most likely

gonna be really

outnumbered.

Don't you think

it'd be a good

idea if we waited

to attack

with everyone else,

just to give us

an advantage?

So we don't suffer

heavy casualties to

our greatest fighters?

Well, just remember.

They'll remember your name

when you're gone.

Who?

They!

Who's they?

Other people.

Why do I care

if people I've never met

remember my name

after I'm gone?

Dude, talk to your boy.

- Bill?

- Jeff?

- Bill?

- Jeff?

- Bill?

- Jeff?

He is Testiclees.

He knows what he's doing.

What could possibly

go wrong at this point?

(Bill screams)

Oh, sh*t!

(moans)

Nice strategy, a**hole.

(arrows wooshing,

men moaning, thudding)

Aw, sh*t.

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Dude, you were

totally right.

I know.

You don't have to

be a dick about it.

I'm not being a dick.

Just stay still.

Walla!

You are a work of art,

you are good to go.

It's stylish, it's sexy,

but it's scary and

intimidating.

It's really good.

Yeah, all you need

is a dress.

What was that?

I said you should

address the men,

General.

Most great generals...

I'm a great general.

Two seconds?

I'll be right back.

Yeah, take your time.

Yeah, cuz this

is going to take awhile.

It's gonna be

that good.

Looking forward to it.

(Awesomest makes

repeated Pff sounds)

Okay, boys?

I'm not much

of a speech making guy,

but here we go.

I guess the big question is

why are we here?

The truth is we could

probably just give up

and run away

and live to see

another day.

Oh, that rhymed.

(chuckles)

(troops laugh)

And yes, run

and you'll live.

and you might actually

realize a lot of your

hopes and dreams

and do some of the

pretty cool sh*t that

you've wanted to do.

I mean, Hank, I know

you've been talking

now for a long time

about going on

that fishing trip

with your daughter.

Right?

But if you die today, that's

never going to happen.

And then your daughter

will grow up without

a father

and she will probably become

a pailer at some crappy

strip club.

You know, like some dude

twice your age dragging

his stinky, hairy junk

across her titties

for two drachmas

and a compliment.

(sighs)

(Awesomest in distance)

She will probably feel

very alone.

What the f***

are you doing,

Orlando?

What does it

look like I'm doing?

I'm going to fight.

Is the Trojan army

taking girls now?

No, I'm a man

and this is what men do.

I'm tired of my father

thinking I'm a pansy.

Orlando, my boy.

Yes, Daddy.

My son, this is

the Trojan sword.

As long as a Trojan

keeps it safe,

the Trojans have

a homeland.

But if you lose it

in battle,

then we become a homeless,

dirty, wandering tribe

of savages.

No pressure intended,

my boy.

But can you handle it?

Yes. Thank you, Dad.

Now go and kill some

hairy ass Greeks!

Guard? When he gets

his pansy ass killed,

bring me that sword.

Yes, Your Highness.

Hey, Giuseppe!

You always wanted to take

that pottery class.

And--and learn to cook?

Italian food! I cook

for everyone.

Yeah! But now, instead

of spaghetti and meatballs

it's gonna be spaghetti

and you're f***ing dead!

Erotic!

We gotta talk.

So talk.

What's with that

piece of sh*t tent?

It's all we had

in the budget.

You don't get it,

do you?

When this is all

said and done,

all they're going

to remember is

Testiclees.

Oh, please!

You're just a soldier.

I'm a god-king.

That's like two things.

Is that right?

Yes, that's right.

It's two things.

Well then I'm out.

Until you groan to have

Testiclees back?

You're on your own.

Only King Erotic

can refer to himself

in the third person.

Testiclees can too!

Stop getting

in my face!

What's the matter?

You got a problem

with Testiclees

in your face?

Well, not usually.

Just in this instance.

(gasps)

Now you can watch

Testiclees walk away.

(whimpers)

Come on,

Testiclees' Cousin.

Let's go!

King Erotic,

you're a douche bag.

Take me to meet

the Trojan general!

(whispers)

Hi.

(whispers)

Hi.

Is that the Trojan sword?

It is. My Daddy

gave it to me.

It's the reason

Troy has never

lost a war.

I'm gonna be

a hero. Oh.

(sword hits ground)

Aw, this will be fun.

Why did you draw

a dick on your face?

It's not a dick.

It's a sword.

Why does it

have balls?

That's the handle.

Whatever.

Well, let's go see

how pissed this guy

really is, huh?

We're so f***ed.

(neighing)

Look, whatever you do.

Don't let this guy know

how scared shitless

we are, okay?

Oh, my God.

That chariot

is gorgeous.

Yeah, it's

pretty nice.

Hi, Erotic.

We meet again,

Assomest.

Actually, it's Awesomest

is my name, but--

I came to reclaim

my property.

Hey, bro? Not gonna

lie to you.

Kinda creeping

me out right now.

Ah, how about now?

That feels kinda good,

thank you.

This whole thing

has made me very tense.

I can feel

the tension.

You hold it

in your shoulders.

That's what my massage

therapist told me.

Can you do one

of those little

circular things?

Oh, wow wow!

(chuckles)

You sir, have the hands

of a god-king.

I am a god-king.

Well, that's why,

I guess.

Doesn't Awesomest

look like a born leader?

With me at his side,

he could become

a great king.

We could produce

lots of healthy,

strong--

Ellen?

Yes, King Looney?

Come sit on my lap

so I can fondle you

while we watch Orlando

getting his ass kicked.

Okay.

Ooo, dear God

have mercy.

That sure is a lot

of guys you brought.

My archers

will block out the sun

with their arrows.

That's actually

preferable for me

because I freckle

very easily.

Oh.

Look, I was thinking.

Instead of all

of this war,

maybe you and l

could just work

it out, you know.

Dude to dude.

If you get down

on your knees

and kneel before Erotic,

and give Ellen

back to me,

then I will only

enslave your men

and rape your women twice.

Once.

We'll rape

the women once.

You don't want

to wear them out.

Never kneel.

Sorry.

A Trojan never kneels.

Orlando,

what the f***, man?

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

What are you trying to do?

Suck his cock?

I thought that was

what he wanted.

How the hell could you

leave me for this?

For this guy?

I was banging half your guys

before I left, you a**hole.

You, come here.

You f*** my wife?

If you tell me the truth,

no harm will come to you.

You f***ed--

(drawing sword)

(Awesomest)

Holy sh*t!

Dude, you gotta chill.

Please, can we just

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