The Legend of Awesomest Maximus Page #5

talk this out?

No more talking,

Assomest.

It's time

for the killing

and the maiming.

Although I love

this makeup job.

Oh, I did that earlier

this morning.

Oh, well. Kudos.

You are going down.

Let's do this!

I think that went well.

(sighs)

Attack!

(Narrator)

The stage was set

forthe biggest battle

of all time.

The Trojans had

the high ground.

The Greeks had

way more guys.

All that stood between Troy

and oblivion

was Awesomest and his 300.

Hold.

Hold.

Hold.

They know to hold.

They're still hundreds

of yards away.

Constantly repeating yourself

is just f***ing annoying.

Look, dude.

I'm a general, so if I want

to say hold a dozen times

I guess it just sucks

to be you because

that's the way it goes.

I'm just saying,

the more you repeat yourself

the less importance it has.

(mocking)

The less importance it has.

I don't think

that's necessary.

(mocking)

I don't think

that's necessary.

(Quantas)

This isn't a good example.

(mocking)

This isn't a good example.

- I'm a jackass.

- You're a jackass.

No I said,

"I'm a jackass."

I said, "You're

a jackass."

That's really mature.

You're really mature.

Oh, sh*t!

Now!

(shouting)

(armor clashing)

Oops, sorry buddy.

(armor clashing, yelling)

(screams)

(yells)

(shouts)

(laughing, taunting)

(Quantas yelling)

(yelling)

Oh, my God.

(Quantas yelling)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What are we

gonna do?

We'll push them

off the cliffs.

That gives me

an idea.

Let's push them

off the cliffs.

(shouting)

(Awesomest)

We're pushing you

off the cliff.

We're pushing them

off the cliff! Yeah!

Keep pushing them

off the cliff!

Yeah, we totally pushed

you off the cliff!

We're Troy!

Stop!

You're pushing me

off the cliff. Whoa...

(screams)

Oops.

Prob-probably dead.

Probably dead?

Yeah?

Yeah.

(sighs)

(Narrator)

The Trojans took the loss

of their general hard.

Awesomest was the best

Trojan ever born

Awesomest, now he's dead.

Now it's time to mourn.

Awesomest, what a guy.

Why did you have to die?

(crashing, strings popping)

(Narrator)

Even Quantas lost his sh*t.

Awesomest Maximus,

good-bye.

(crying)

It's all there was.

It isn't fair.

(Narrator)

Hottessa took it

even harder.

(sighs)

I was too hard

on him.

Now I'll never

become queen.

Here.

This will take

your mind off it.

Thank you.

Oh, why?

(sobs)

(Narrator)

King Looney was loonier

than ever.

Wait, who was it

that got killed?

(Narrator)

As was customary when

an army lost its leader,

both sides agreed to

a 12-day truce.

But being the trifling

a**hole that he was,

that didn't stop King Erotic

from looking high and low

for an advantage.

You like?

I like.

Oh, I like.

Awesomest was cruel

and denied you.

And was a little bit

racist, you know?

Whereas I am generous.

True that, man.

True that.

If you tell me how

to penetrate the Trojan walls

anything you want

you will have.

A threesome.

Yes.

A foursome, with like,

all girls.

(in a high voice)

Oh, yeah.

You will be given

both daily.

You will be given jewels

and drink.

Look, you got me.

I'm in.

The key to

getting in the--

Beautiful morally casual men

will give you daily

ass play.

Wait! What the f***?

Homey don't play that!

I know. I know

what you are thinking.

How can Erotic

be this kind?

Listen, man. I don't

really go that way.

You'll be given

golden showers,

Dirty Sanchezes,

Roman helmets.

Look, you had me

at jewels and drinks.

You ain't had

to keep on going.

But you can have it all!

Space docking,

snow balling, bestiality,

all the man juice

you can drink.

Six feet of Venetian blind

cord shoved right up

the pee-pee hole.

Wait! What the f***?

Ain't nothin' going up

my pee hole!

Are you crazy,

motherf***er?

And let's not forget

the shocker!

The shocker? You can't

give no man the shocker.

Oh, yes you can.

Oh, sh*t.

(Narrator)

But little did

the Trojans know

their general wasn't dead.

Just a little lost.

For a big man, he was

a real good swimmer.

It had something to do

with mass and

displacement.

Anyway, Awesomest

was still alive.

Sort of.

(gasps)

Damn, dog.

I thought you was

dead for sho.

(heavy breathing)

Where am l?

Slave market.

This prick is about

to sell our asses.

Come on, buddy.

I give you good deal.

You must be Jewish.

Here, take this.

It'll take the pain away.

Trust me.

It's some good sh*t.

Easy, easy.

(man)

Hey, buddy.

Have a look

at my stock, huh?

We have

good deal today.

Two for the one

on the slaves.

But only today.

Hey! Motherfuckers!

Sh*t.

Take me to dinner before

you just grabbing asses.

(slapping)

Hey.

Mark of the Legion

of Troy.

He's a Spaniard.

No I'm not.

I don't even

speak Spanish.

Trust me, buddy.

I once banged girl

who said she was Lebanese,

it was complete bullshit.

She was a Spaniard.

Hola.

Como ay yama?

- I'll take 'em both.

- Deal.

Two for one, right?

(laughs)

Not for these.

I am Approximo.

And I bought you

so I could profit

from your death.

You're gonna live,

fight and die

for me.

And that's not

even the good news.

(laughs)

The good news is I got

you guys two for one,

so you were really cheap.

And I'm gonna make

a lot of money.

(laughs)

What an a**hole.

He certainly is.

Anyway, it's

a lose-lose for you.

Well, hey man. I forgot

to introduce myself.

The name's

Awesomest Maximus.

(laughs)

Right.

And I forgot

to introduce myself.

I'm Julius

motherfuckin' Caesar.

You think

I'm lying?

No, bro.

I'm for real.

Check this out.

(gasps)

You see?

I did that myself.

I was f***ing wasted.

If you're really

Awesomest Maximus

then what the hell

are you doing here?

You know what?

I'm not exactly sure.

The last thing I remember

my troops pushed me off

the edge of a cliff.

See? That's that bullshit.

No, it was totally

an accident.

It was racism, man.

All right?

Pushing motherfuckers

over cliffs?

You're trying to hold

a brother back.

Come on, man.

Anyway man, look.

Even if you're him,

you ain't him.

I'm sorry. Him?

Awesomest Maximus.

Okay, l--I don't follow.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Check it out, man.

Word on the street is

the real baby Awesomest

got dropped off a cliff

by accident

the priest found your fat ass

to pawn you off as

Awesomest

so he could cover

for himself.

(man)

Bring out the future

baby general!

(second man)

Yeah, we want to see him!

(woman screams)

Sh*t!

(sighs)

(crowd chanting)

Awesomest!

Could I have this

for a second?

- No.

- Yes.

No, that's my baby!

(screams)

Awesomest!

Awesomest!

I present to you,

our future general,

Awesomest Maximus.

Come on!

Show us his junk!

You mean to tell me

that when I was a baby

I was dropped off a cliff?

Cliffs are ruining

my f***ing life.

You're not listening,

are you?

All right.

Check it out. Look.

Everyone knows all

of Awesomest Maximus'

ancestors was hung

Iike Trojan horses, right?

What you packin'?

Hey. (laughs)

Okay.

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