The Legend of Awesomest Maximus Page #6

No, no, no, dude.

Trust me, man.

I'm packin' it.

I mean, you know, it's--

If I'm excited.

If the girl is

pretty enough...

it's usually--I don't

know how to...

(sighs)

(neighing)

Oh, my God.

Hey, do I have

to separate you two?

Oh, my God.

No, no, no.

It wasn't

nothin' like that.

I'm explaining

something.

Do you mind

if I touch it?

Just to see

if it's real.

I'm Awesomest Maximus.

And I'm

Alexander the Great.

Man, there's always

a few in every bunch.

So you see, dog?

You just ain't

the real Awesomest.

I'm sorry I had to be

the one to tell you.

By the way,

my name's Jamal.

I think your dick

is on my foot, Jamal.

Oh, my bad.

(Narrator)

That evening, Awesomest

thought about all the sh*t

that happened to him

in his life.

And it was a very dramatic

moment for him.

Yo, Awesomest.

Watcha doin'?

Praying to the gods.

And what are you

praying for?

I need their help.

I have to

prove myself,

change my life,

become a true warrior.

Yeah, well. I want

a blowj*b and

a ham sandwich,

but some sh*t

don't work out

the way you want.

You know what

I'm saying?

Attencione.

Hombres, por favor.

King Erotic has organized

some gladiator games

during the time of peace

in honor of the dead

general whatshisname.

And guess who

got the contract?

I got the f***ing contract

because I'm the f***ing man!

It's time to prove yourself,

change your life,

and become a true warrior.

But anyway, that means

you're going to Troy

to compete.

Nice.

Yeah, well don't get

so excited,

because you gotta go

to gladiator camp first

to sharpen your skills,

so you don't embarrass

my ass

in front of thousands

of people.

So pack your sh*t,

gentlemen.

Gracias, Seor!

Yo, gods. Can I get

a blowj*b and

a ham sandwich?

Please?

(Narrator)

Jamal didn't get his blowj*b

or his ham sandwich,

but he and Awesomest did

go to the gladiator camp,

where for the first time,

Awesomest would quit

f***ing around

and take his training

seriously.

F***!

That's a tie!

That's a tie.

That's improvement!

You're improving.

Your cardiovascular

endurance is improving, too.

Run, you idiots!

(grunts)

(grunts, thud)

Good, good!

Now you gotta kill him!

Huh?

Kill him!

(grunts)

Yeah!

(gasps)

(thud)

That's it.

Now you're gonna

have to bury him.

We have no one else

to do it.

But good for you.

(trumpet fanfare)

Ladies and gentlemen!

Welcome

to an afternoon

of killing and maiming.

(crowd cheers)

Why don't you cut

that gay sh*t off?

This is sponsored

by King Erotic

and Approximo Productions.

Come on, Dad.

We're going to miss

the decapitation.

These gladiators

have been trained

to die horrible,

disgusting deaths

for your entertainment.

(cheering)

I like it when they

eat the people.

If any body parts

fly into the crowd,

you can keep them,

except the liver.

Hottessa.

If you can hear me,

I'm either dying today

or coming home

fit to be your king.

So keep me

in your thoughts.

Awesomest, you

smoke without me?

Not today, Jamal.

I have to stay focused.

And they're drug testing,

so you might want

to watch that sh*t.

- Sh*t. Word?

- Word.

Hey, what the--

Hey!

What kind of gladiator

are you, man?

I'm an accountant.

First up is a little

something I like to call

the Annihilation of Abacus,

the Accountant.

This guy screwed up

my books

and he is gonna pay.

(crowd moans)

(thud)

Oh, f***!

Ha!

You won't see that

motherf***er

no mo'

Tickets.

I got two in front.

You can see blood

and guts, everything.

Can we, Dad?

We'll take two.

Get your beer here.

Can I have

a beer, Dad?

Are you nuts?

What kind of a parent

do you think I am?

Next we have

the chubby Spaniard

versus the Spumoni brothers

of Pompeii.

Woo!

(swords clashing, grunts)

(crowd cheers)

Yes!

That nigga got skills!

(crowd chanting,

indistinct)

(cheering)

Are you ready

for some football?

(cheering)

(indistinct)

Go, go!

(crowd cheers)

(thud)

(cheering)

Yeah!

(Approximo)

That's what we're here for.

The killing.

And the Spaniard looks like

he's gonna be the next

superstar,

so get your trading cards now.

This kid is gonna kill

right to the top.

Testiclees.

It's Testiclees.

Testiclees.

Oh, don't worry.

I got this.

I think.

He's my guy.

F*** him up

you big motherf***er.

(crowd gasps)

What the f***?

(thud)

I thought this a**hole

was immortal.

Wow, gladiator camp

is the sh*t.

Are you not

entertained?

Are you not

entertained?

Is this not

why you're here?

Actually, I'm here

for the tiger mauling at 4.

Me too.

Okay, then let's just let

this be a lesson to you all

about the dangers of jumping

onto the field of play

during sporting events.

Who is this

masked man?

Especially you kids,

all right?

Tell Approximo

I want to meet him.

Drop your weapon.

King Erotic wants

to meet you.

Now look

chubby Spaniard.

Just Spaniard

actually is fine.

I'm not even crazy

about that, but...

Okay, well look.

You were terrific today

I mean, the way you

smash a head,

I mean, just really

nice stuff,

and I would like

to represent you.

I want to be

your representation.

That's a wonderful

offer, but can l

think about it?

Look, I could give you

any kind of grape you want.

Globe grapes,

Concord grapes.

Globes are nice.

You like blowj*bs?

Who doesn't love

a good blowj*b?

Ever have one

in the back of a chariot?

You know what? '

I have not.

I'm not that adventurous.

I'm a vanilla guy.

It's a little bumpy,

but still, it's--

Spaniard!

Take off your mask.

And anything else

if it makes you

more comfortable.

It's Awesomest.

(crowd whispers)

It's Awesomest.

My name is

Awesomest Maximus,

Commander of the world's

greatest super power,

husband to a hot,

pushy but sexually

enlightened wife,

and slayer to the

invincible Testiclees,

so yeah, I'm kinda the sh*t.

It's not Testiclees.

Huh?

He didn't kill

Testiclees.

He killed his cousin.

You killed me,

you f***er.

Jackass!

(crowd jeering)

No, no, no.

That--it was

a different--

He jumped in and he

was blond with...

F***. I'm sorry!

(moans in frustration)

Should we kill him,

my king?

No, I have another idea

for Assomest.

Awesomest.

What's the idea?

I'll tell you later.

You can't just

tell us now?

(sword strikes, gasp)

I tell you later.

(indistinct)

(cheers)

(ropes tightening,

grunting)

Cry mercy

and it will all end.

(Awesomest groaning)

Blow me.

You know I would,

but this is the time where

bad stuff happens to you.

What?

Sir, we have some news

from the arena.

I told you I didn't want

to be disturbed

unless Erotic groaned

to have Testiclees back.

As far as I know, there

hasn't been any groaning.

Well, it's your cousin, sir.

He--

He went dressed up as you

to the gladiator games

then he...

Spit it out!

We were

really tanked, and...

your cousin, he jumps

into the gladiator pit

on a dare

and this gladiator who

actually turned out

to be Awesomest...

You know the general

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes