The Legend of Awesomest Maximus Page #7

from Troy?

What happened

to my cousin?

Awesomest mistaked him

for you and cut

his head off.

(yells)

(slap, grunt)

(yells)

How could anyone

confuse me

for my cousin?

I'm five inches taller

than he is.

I've got better

bone structure.

I've got 16% less

body fat

and our muscle densities

aren't even close.

(pants)

Confused my cousin for me?

Awesomest, you're

a dead man.

(growls)

What do you want

to see next?

Fat lady!

(crowd chants)

Fat lady, fat lady!

(rap music)

That be some

big b*tches.

(screams)

(cheering)

(screams)

Damn.

(screams)

Sit on his face!

Sit on his face!

Sit on his face!

(Awesomest screams)

Erotic, you sick

son of a b*tch.

Please, just kill me!

(screams)

(screams)

Freedom!

(vomiting sounds)

This motherf***er's mine.

Oh no you don't,

you little glory hog.

You! Take him!

Let's go b*tches.

(groans)

(shouts)

Look. Here comes

Awesomest.

Open the gates.

Somebody looking

for a general?

Awesomest!

This will not

be over quickly.

That would be a first.

And you will not

enjoy this.

That wouldn't.

(Narrator)

That night Awesomest received

a true hero's welcome.

His newfound strength

and staying power

drove Hottessa wild

with desire.

They were man and woman,

conqueror and conquered,

master and gimp

In the end, he moved

her soul, melted her heart,

and made her cum

a lot of times.

And vice-versa.

Hey, don't knock it

until you try it.

How could you idiots

let him escape?

Us? I'd say you were

a little culpable there.

(grunts and gasps)

Kinda forgot my place

there, didn't l?

We have to attack them

before they attack us.

But we still cannot

breach their walls.

Okay, look.

I'll help you out here.

And after thinking about it?

I'd even try a golden shower

one time, okay?

But I get to pick

the showerer.

Otherwise, it's twosome,

threesome, booze and jewels.

None of that

other bullshit.

Are you sure?

No man juice?

I'm sure.

Suit yourself.

Now here's

the big tip.

We gotta get a big

wooden dick and drag

it all the way up here.

Look at that.

Big ass f***er.

Some people send flowers,

some send wooden penises.

Shh, shh.

But it's real nice.

Artistically speaking,

not in any gay way.

Don't Hercules that joint.

(snickering)

(Ellen)

It reminds me of

a Macedonian I used to date.

Was his name Achmed?

Yes.

We gotta bring it

into the city.

We should bring

it into the city

and deal with it.

(snickering)

This could be a trap,

my king.

There could be Greeks

hiding in there,

ready to jump out

and kill us after

we bring it

into the city.

We should bring it

into the city and

deal with it.

(laughing)

My king, I urge you.

We should take it

and burn it.

You might be right,

Quantas.

But who am I to look

a gift cock in the mouth?

To the city.

(wheels creaking)

(crash)

Back it up!

And now push it in.

(crash, grunting)

Back it up again.

(wheels creaking)

And please push it

in again.

Do it a little slower.

Just ram it in

for f***'s sake.

(wheels creaking)

Yo, bro. I'm sorry

about your cousin, man.

We're cool, right?

No, no, it's um--

huh?

(laughing)

(wheels creaking,

ropes straining)

Oh, my God.

(sighs)

That was awesome.

(sighs)

I think you mean

Awesomest.

(laughs)

Yes.

I never knew

you had it in you.

Actually, I had it

in you.

(laughs)

I liked it when

you punched me in the face.

- Did you like that?

- I did. It was passionate.

How about a little

slap and tickle.

Awesomest!

The Greeks

have breached our walls.

What? How?

A giant penis.

Thank you. But how?

They're sacking

the city.

(gasp)

- Sh*t!

- F***!

(shouting, crowd noise)

You have done well,

my little friend.

Is your hand

up my ass?

No.

Maybe.

Man, get the f***

off of me.

Erotic.

Kiss my black ass,

motherf***er.

Let's spare the soldiers'

lives and settle this

the old fashioned way.

Your best fighter

versus mine.

We win? You leave

Troy forever.

And if we win?

Then we submit

to your rule.

Deal.

Testic--

I'm right here.

You're either too late

or you're too early.

Your timing

is horrible.

Get over it.

And who is your

best fighter?

Orlando!

Just kidding!

Oh, my God.

I just sh*t

my pants.

You should have seen

your face.

I'm kidding.

I'm gonna fight him.

Great. Let's do this.

I got a loincloth

wax at three.

(laughing)

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Come on!

(shouts)

(screams)

(laughs)

I know, right?

This sh*t is sick!

You can't kill

the indestructible

Testiclees.

That's my boy.

I saw this going

differently in my mind.

(shrieks)

(shouting,

swords clanging)

Leave him alone,

Mr. Testiclees.

If you wanna deal

with someone,

then you deal

with me.

Oh, my God.

His name is

Testiclees

because his testicles

are his weakness.

Ain't that motherf***er

a genius?

(laughs)

(shouts)

(shouting,

swords clanging)

Time for Testiclees

to end this sh*t.

The end is near.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That's it.

Take your time.

(crunch)

(groan)

(slimy sound)

(no sound, silence)

(silent)

(slimy sound,

creepy music)

(gasping, choking)

(hits the ground,

crying)

Oh, my balls.

Oh, my balls!

No!

Who's this chick?

Please. He's my

only son.

Dude, that's your mom?

Mommy.

Mommy.

Shh. Let me kiss it

to make it better.

Oh, my God.

That is so sweet.

There's nothing like

a mother's love.

(moaning)

(chanting)

Awesomest!

No!

This was supposed to be

my moment.

Greeks!

Trojans!

Ah-oo!

No, no! Wait!

Wait for what?

Awesomest, listen.

I know that he's a bit

of a meany pants.

Uh, a bit?

But he's just--

he's misunderstood.

No, I'm not.

Yes you are.

Don't you see?

All of this murdering

and enslaving,

it's you overcompensating.

Overcompensating?

Yes.

For what?

For who you

really are.

Right here.

It's true.

He sees right through me.

I know I see

right through you.

It's because l--

I love you.

I'm gay!

Sh*t, I knew it.

Wow.

Don't you understand?

Why do you think

that I took Ellen

in the first place?

I was trying

to make you jealous.

I mean, people died.

Things got a little crazy

and I feel bad about it,

but I was trying

to get a rise

out of you.

Oh, my God.

Why didn't you

just say something?

Because I didn't

know what to say.

Oh, me too.

I was so jealous

when you came to visit

and all the time you

were spending

with her.

I knew it!

Who cares about

being king of Troy?

Oh, girl. You can still

be the queen of Greece.

(laughs)

You know what?

F*** Greece

and f*** you!

I mean, come on!

This whole war started

because you two--

faggots

wouldn't come

out of the closet?

I had to climb a mountain

and fell off a cliff.

I lived in a cage.

I got smothered

by greasy cellulite.

I even killed a special

needs kid, for what?

All right, look.

Erotic, if I let you live,

do you promise

to return home

and leave Troy

the f*** alone?

And Orlando. Do you promise

not to steal anyone

else's wife

or cost the lives

of thousands and

thousands of men.

Yes, I do.

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