The Legend of Awesomest Maximus Page #8

Okay, that's just great.

Then by the power

vested in me

as the general

of the Trojan army

I declare this war over.

We win. You lose.

(chanting)

Awesomest!

I am so proud of you.

Thanks, babe.

I have some good news

and some bad news.

Okay, good news first.

Troy is safe.

You have become the man

I always knew you could be.

and I will get

to be the queen.

Fantastic.

What's the bad news?

I'm in love with Ellen

and she's moving in

with us.

Fantastic.

What's the bad news?

I always knew

you'd be into it.

What's the bad news?

Okay, bye.

So what'd he say?

You're in.

Yes!

Awesome!

Awesome!

(Narrator)

And so it was

that the wrong baby

became the right man.

A man who became a general,

a general who became

a legend,

a legend whose name will echo

not just through his time,

but through all time.

The legend

of Awesomest Maximus.

And that's

a true story.

But what's with

the stupid voice?

I just do that to make

it sound more important.

Please, are you

actually telling me

that you're buying

this guy's goat sh*t?

I mean, he's just trying

to get into our togas.

Listen, you b*tch.

All this really happened.

It's a true story.

I'm gonna be the king.

And where is

your wife,

the queen?

Hottessa?

Probably back

at the castle.

We got a,

you know,

an understanding.

Kind of

an open thing.

Get a new line,

douche bag.

Come on.

I thought

he was kind of cute.

She's been drinking

on my tab...

(Narrator's voice)

The world's fate

is decided by legends,

men who are

larger than life,

whose tales of bravery...

(normal voice)

Oh, suck my

awesome balls.

General, sir. I have

underestimated you.

Today, you

have shown strength.

You have shown honor.

Today, sir, you

have come

a long way--

(snickers)

You said "come."

I'm trying to give you

the respect that

I believe--

I'm trying to give you

the respect--

- Are you repeating me?

- Are you repeating me?

We're going to

play that game?

We're going to

play that game?

You are by far...

You are by far

the worst general...

You're not even

a general.

- Unbelievable.

- What's unbelievable?

- I thought you'd changed.

- I have changed.

You haven't changed

a bit.

I changed

the f***ing world.

My name's Edward Barbanell

and I approve this

Shakespeare monologue.

Oh, from you the fire.

(off screen)

Do you remember when

I cut Darren in half

all the way down

to his balls, right?

I visualized

the whole thing.

Really? I wouldn't

have known that.

(Minoritees)

Give me back my

fried chicken, motherf***er.

Hey, hey.

(laughs)

(off screen)

We're good

at musical chairs.

That's true. Most people

who win musical chairs

go on to kill and kill.

Is the--Jeff, I can't

do this. Come here.

I mean, this guy's

an amateur.

I've never even heard of

f***ing The Revenge

of the Nerd.

A kingdom for a stage,

princes to act,

and monarchs to behold

the swelling scene.

Yeah! See?

(indistinct)

You need some

f***ing therapy.

Freak.

(rhythmic hand clapping)

Let's go Trojans!

Between you and me, Your

Highness, Hottessa's

been on the rag.

Well, don't be an idiot.

That's natural.

Um, um. Just try

doggy fashion.

Some women

prefer it.

Check it out.

(screaming)

Ar-ar-ar.

(nonsense)

(sighs)

It's a burden.

This whole war

was started

because you two

Watch it.

(laughing)

Sh*t.

Is there no one else?

This is pushing my face.

(laughs)

Turning the accomplishment

of many years

into an hour glass.

and admit me, Chorus,

to this history.

Who, prologue-like, may

your humble patience pray,

kindly to judge, our play.

(off screen)

Great!

(applause and cheers)

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