The Legend of Barney Thomson Page #2

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"Shakin' Stevens"

was number one.

I've not had

my kick at the ball.

All I've got is that job.

The bastards are trying

to take it away from me.

You want them to like you'?

Like me'?

I want to f***in' kill them.

Pew!

He's f***ing

laughing at us, 127.

Yes, sir.

The public

are gonna string us up

for this, you realize.

Yes, sir.

Right.

I'm replacing you as lead.

What'?

And you, 529.

No, sir, it's 20 past 10, sir.

Is it'?

529's your f***ing number!

You're off the case as well.

You'll be taking orders

from 119 from now on.

Thank you, sir.

Just take me...

uh, take me

through your plans, uh, 119.

He'll strike again, sir,

so we'll find out

who's recently disappeared,

who last saw them.

I'll put Holdall here

out in the field,

investigating

the missing person files.

Don't you think

we should be looking

for the rest of him'?

119's in charge now, 127.

Is that plate from the canteen?

Ah, f*** me.

Tell forensics to get

their own f***ing plates!

I'm not eating off a plate

that's served up a human arse.

Right. Off you go.

Oh, ho, ho! Listen to this.

"Angelina Jolie seeks Brad Pitt

for Weekday

dog track evenings."

Give me that.

"Sleek hatchback, low mileage,

"big headlights,

"needing a right good service.

Hamilton area."

Now, they're not

shy, are they'?

- You want a pen'?

- F*** off.

"Mature woman

seeks adventurous man

for nights of

unbridled passion."

You'd have to

be desperate, eh'?

Nah, nah.

That's what we call a "GILF."

What's that?

It's a "Granny I'd Like To..."

Fucks sake, Chris. Come on.

Right, McAllister this weekend

at Bellahoustom-

What's his chances?

Good boy, but...

I always loved Westerns.

I wanted to be

The Man With No Name...

you know.

The guy who rides into town.

Saves the townsfolk.

And disappears

in the dead of night.

Shrouded in mystery.

They'd talk about this legend

for years to come...

but no...

I was one of

the pissy. Wee townsfolk.

W here every f***er

knows your name.

I wanted to grind 'em

into the lane under my heel.

Well, careful

what you wish for.

Barney.

Barney!

A wee word?

I'm not really sure

how to say this.

A pal of my dad's

has moved into the area.

He wants to give him a job.

Eh'?

Cannae have ye

falling asleep

in the shop, Barney.

And we can't have

any more outbursts

like ye had yesterday.

- Oh, no, that was a one-off.

- That was not a one-off.

You have regular outbursts.

You cannot talk

to customers like that.

It's not my fault you look like

a f***ing cartoon bear,

is it'? Up. Oot.

You can work for another month,

if you like.

Aw, Jesus. Wullie!

We'll understand

if you want

to leave now, of course,

and We'll keep pay your wage

for the rest of the month.

You don't need to make

a decision now, but...

I'll stay for the month.

- Eh?

- I'll stay for the month.

But we would be paying

your wage for the month,

Whether you're here or no.

Well, I'll be here.

Great.

I'll let my da know.

Jesus Christ.

I'll get a mop.

No, I'll get a mop. I'll get...

Wullie, Wullie... look, please.

Don't do this.

It's not my decision.

Ah, but you see, this place,

it's all I know.

Come on, Wullie.

Be a pal.

I've got nothing else on.

Aw, Barney.

Still, it's not my decision.

It's up to my da.

No, no. That's rubbish!

It is your decision.

You and Chris.

You want me out the door.

Think I'm a f***ing idiot?

I'll get the mop.

No, Wullie, Wullie, please.

- Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't...

- I'll get the mop.

I-I-I'll get the mop.

J-J-J-Just... listen.

I-I'll be so quiet.

You'll no hear

another peep out of me.

You're embarrassing

yourself now, Barney.

Have a bit of self-respect.

- I'll be so quiet...

- Let me get the mop!

No, please.

I'll be a model barber!

Oh...

F***ing hell!

Shite...

Hello. Henderson's.

Is that lazy bastard

husband of mine there?

Uh, no. No, he's not.

Where is he?

Well, he said that he...

he was leavin' early to...

go do a bit of... shopping.

Well. He's never been

to the shops in his fife.

That's what he said.

If he's late back,

I'll kill him.

That Won't be necessary.

Well. Cheerio.

Good bye.

F***!

Sh*t.

F***ing hell!

What's that you've got there?

What'?

What's that you've got there?

- Eh?

- What's that?

- How ye doing, Charlie?

- What's that'?

- Nothing.

- What's that?

Nothing!

I'm getting chips.

Good! Cheerio.

Ye cannae touch it!

It's full of hair chemicals

and stuff like that.

Ye need gloves to touch it.

Okay'

Cheerio, then.

Get ye f***ed, Charlie!

I'm only trying

to help ye, Barney.

All right, all right, look.

Just...

You can help, but just...

be quick, will ye'?

I tell you what...

I really appreciate it, Charlie.

Just, uh...

you swing by the shop sometime,

and I'll give ye a haircut

on the house, eh'?

- Okay.

- Okay?

Uh-huh.

Away and enjoy your chips.

- Right, then.

- Okay.

Cheerio.

Where is it,

where is it, where is it'?

Where is it, where is it'?

W-What was

the name of that loch

you, me, and my da Went to'?

The forest on one side,

r-really hard to get to.

What loch?

That one,

the one with all the wee boats.

Loch Lubnaig.

Loch Lubnaig! That's it.

Lubnaig, Lubnaig.

Why the com motion?

Uh, n-nothin'.

Just, uh...

I saw a painting in a...

in a charity shop

at the Barras the other day,

and I just Wondered if it was...

it was that.

How do you manage to pack

so much excitement

into one life'?

Hmm?

Seeing as you're here,

you can give me

a lift to the Barras.

It's my bingo night.

No, I'm sorry, Mother, I can't.

I'm... I'm actually quite busy.

You maybe didn't hear me.

It's my bingo night

at the Barras!

Right. I'll see you later.

I'll be needing a lift home.

How long are ye gonnae be'?

Couple of hours.

Oh!

I cannae sit out here

for that length of time.

I wonder. Should I go

or should I stay.

The band had

only one more song to play.

And then I saw you

out the corner of my eye.

A little girl alone and so shy.

I had the last waltz.

With you.

Two lonely people Together.

Mum, what're you doing?

I told Lizzie and Theresa

you'd give 'em a lift home.

I've got something on!

Our carriage awaits!

Oh, this is awfully

good of you, son.

On you go!

La. La. La. La

La. La. La. La. la.

La. La. La. La

La. La. La. La. la.

I had the last waltz.

With you.

Two lonely people.

Together.

I fell in love.

With you.

The last waltz

Should last forever.

La. La. La. La. La. la.

La, la, la, la

La, la, la, la, la...

- Okay, night-night.

- Bye.

- Thanks very much, Barney.

- Watch yourselves.

Don't do anything

I Wouldn't do.

See ya, Cemolina.

It's Wullie.

I've killed Wullie.

I saw that.

Mum...

it was an accident.

I had a pair of scissors

in my hand,

and-and he slipped and fell.

Then you phone the police.

You don't Wrap him up

like a stair carpet!

No, I couldnae

phone the police.

He just sacked me.

It's...

They'd say I had a motive.

What'd he sack you for'?

'Cause I've no got any chat.

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