The Legend of Barney Thomson Page #3

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Aye, well.

Mum...

What am I going to do'?

For Christ's sake, shut up.

Leave him at mine.

Eh'?

Any better ideas?

Ahh.

What now, Mum'?

I'm gonna have to

fish it outwith a spoon.

No, what're we gonnae do now'?

How should I know?

Well, don't you be

bringing anybody up here now.

Do you think I'm f***ing

stupid or something?

Eh'?

So,

the first one's Mrs. Stuart,

and, uh, then We'll go

to Mrs. McQueen.

When did you last

see Stuart, Sheena?

Tuesday. 8:
00.

Now, I wasn't sure about

declaring him missing, at first,

you know, he's not been

away that long,

then I thought, well, you lot,

you've got nothing better to do.

Definitely Monday?

Tuesday!

He Went missing

on the Tuesday morning.

Definitely.

It was Wednesday. Thursday'?

Wednesday? Or Thursday?

Friday.

Definitely Friday.

Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday?

Monday.

I moved up here

at my wife's insistence

of being near her dying mother.

That was 20 years ago,

and I'm still here.

And so's her f***ing mother.

Oh... God.

How I loathe

this vomit-lashed sh*t-hole!

Ahem. All right, gents.

Late again, Porter.

F*** off.

Wullie didn't

get in last night.

What'?

Moira called.

He didnae make it home.

Maybe he's been got

by that killer.

Maybe his baws are being posted

from Arbroath as we speak.

All right, lads.

You might want

to come back later.

We're a man down.

I know.

I'm Detective Inspector Holdall.

This is Detective Sergeant

MacPherson.

We'd like to have a word about

your missing colleague.

- For fucks sake!

- Oh, I'm sorry.

We Won't keep you.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Benny Lynch... mm'?

Champion of the world!

Yeah. You know What

his mistake was'?

He stayed here...

Eh'? With the dregs

and the hangers-on.

Bleeding him dry...

sucking out his soul.

Can you imagine What

he might've achieved, eh'?

Longer career...

the women of the world

at his feet...

if only he'd have

had the courage

to get out of this sh*t-hole.

Can we sit down'?

Yes.

Chris, could you

finish the customer?

Sit down'?

I'm fine.

I-I'm fine standing.

This is purely

a missing persons investigation,

Mr. Thomson.

A Mrs. Henderson

reported her husband missing

yesterday afternoon.

Mrs. Henderson says

you were the last person

to talk with Mr. Henderson.

Is that correct?

Yes.

Now, there's no need

to be so nervous, Mr. Thomson,

This is...

- I quite understand.

- ...Routine.

I quite understand.

Did Mr. Henderson tell you

where he was going?

He... He said something

about, uh...

going to the shops.

Uh, he asked me to lock up,

and then he... left.

Was it normal

for Mr. Henderson

to go to the shops after work?

You know,

I-I-I don't really know

wh-what Mr. Henderson

did outside of work,

because we weren't really

friends.

Wasn't really friends.

Mm-hmm.

Um, did you suspect

that something

might have happened

to Mr. Henderson'?

I quite understand.

Sorry?

Slip of the tongue,

you know how it is.

What'?

Speaking to the police.

You know, this'?

You know... heh...

You... You feel guilty,

even though you...

you've never done nothing wrong.

I mean, it's not as if

I've stabbed Wullie

with a pair of scissors

or anything like that, you know?

Would... Would you like

a glass of water'?

No, I'm fine.

Where was your colleague,

Mr. Porter, when you Wasn't

stabbing Mr. Henderson

with your scissors?

Oh, he-he-he left early,

because we weren't

very busy that day.

That bit about the stabbing?

That was just a joke.

You think

this is funny, Mr. Thomson?

Not at all.

I'm only joking.

You have no idea

how nervous you look!

Did Mr. Henderson

tell you that he was not

gonna have you

in the shop anymore?

I have no knowledge of that.

See, Mr. Henderson's father

says that Mr. Henderson

was gonna tell you about it

yesterday.

Did he say anything to you'?

No.

Oh, well!

That's us.

Would you send

Mr. Porter in, please?

Yes.

Oh.

I used to sometimes

hide in toilet cubicles,

you know, convinced

I was about to die,

and I went to see this man.

Do you know What

he said to me'?

He said the biggest instigator

of a panic attack is...'?

Guilty conscience.

Look at that.

Here she comes.

Here comes that girl again.

One of the cutest

since I don't know when.

But she don't notice me

when I pass.

She goes with all the guys

from outta my class.

But that can't stop me

from thinkin' to myself.

Shes sure fine lookin'. Man

she's something else.

Mum'? Mum!

Can I have a word'?

What? Carry on, girls,

regardless!

What are you thinking?

Mr. Johnstone,

in the bowling club,

has a brain tumour...

out like a light.

Nobody had thought

to arrange anything

after the funeral,

so I brought

the girls back here.

Have you seen Mrs. Gaffney?

Last week, she wandered

into the laundrette

in her nightie!

Where the fucks Wullie'?

Cemolina, have you got

a carpet sweeper?

- Eh?

- Barbara's couped the ashtray.

Just down the hall,

next to the toilet.

Mum, Mum...

where did you put the body'?

Two minutes.

Barbara, what

the f*** have you done'?

Is that you making soup

for yer mammy, son'?

Uh...

Oh, f***!

I like soup!

Mrs. Gaffney!

The laundrette's shut.

Cheerio, then.

Suit yourself.

Cheerio.

On!

Ahh!

Thanks very much.

I enjoyed myself.

Uh-huh. You watch yourself.

Watch yourselves.

Fine, fine.

All right. Okay.

Night-night.

God Almighty.

I'm checkered!

I'm no even packed for

my "Route to the Isles"

discovery tour

in the morning.

Two days, all-in,

including breakfast

and your evening meal...

42 pounds!

You believe that?

How did you manage that?

You chopped him up!

You've even

f***ing labelled him!

I label everything.

James?

Barney.

On the button.

Appreciate that.

I'll be here until

that eon of mine decides

to show his face again.

Right.

Wife's convinced

that killer's got him.

Could be posting his baws

from Arbroath as we speak.

Aye.

It doesn't com pare

to What he'll get

when I get my hands on him.

You look hellish.

You found yourself a woman yet?

Nah.

That's a f***ing empty

existence you've got there,

is it no'?

Sometimes.

Minute late, Porter.

Not impressed.

Sorry, Mr. Henderson,

I was, eh...

I was coming

along the green there

and I was threatened

by a bunch of, um... wasps.

Get that shite off.

Did, uh...

Wullie have a chat with you

the other day'?

Well, did he say anything

about anything?

Not that I can think of.

Ahh.

Glad to hear it.

Up, down, up, down!

Are we a team?

Yes!

- Let me hear ya! Are we a team?

- Yes!

For fucks sakes.

Two, three, four...

five, six, seven...

Everybody's looking.

This is the heart attack

capital of Europe.

Look at the state of you!

You look like

a depressed milkmaid.

What is this'?

The "River Dance" branch?

Update me.

The barber, Thomson,

he was a bit Weird.

I think we should have

another shot at him.

What's his connection

to the other victims?

Mm. I just think

he's holding something back.

Spare me

your Woman's intuition.

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