The LEGO Batman Movie

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1

(Dark music begins to play in the background.)

Batman:

Black. All important movies start with a black screen. And music. Edgy, scary music that would make a parent or studio executive nervous.

(The Warner Bros./Warner Animation Group logo plays)

Batman:

And logos. Really long and dramatic logos. Warner Bros. Why not "Warner Brothers"? I don't know.

(Then, comes the DC Comics logo)

Batman:

DC. The house that Batman built.

(thunderclap)

Yeah, what, Superman? Come at me, bro. I'm your Kryptonite.

(Finally, the logo for RatPac-Dune Entertainment finishes the roster)

Batman:

Hmm. Not sure what RatPac does, but that logo is macho. I dig it. Okay. Get yourself ready for some... reading.

(a quote appears...)

"If you want to make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make a change. Hooo."

(A guitar riff plays as the reference to the quote appears as Micheal Jackson.)

Batman:

No. I said that.

(The riff repeats as the reference changes to Batman.)

Batman:

Batman is very wise. I also have huge pecs and a nine-pack.

(A monitor shows Batman's abs, including a ninth directly in the middle.)

Batman:

Yeah, I've got an extra ab. Now, let's start the movie.

(The serious music crescendos as a freighter plane comes into view.)

Pilot:

Gotham Tower, this is McGuffin Airlines, Flight 1138. We are transporting 11 million sticks of dynamite, 17,000 pounds of C-4, about 150 cute little classic bomb-type bombs, and two best friends! And request permission to fly over the most crime-ridden city in the world. Over.

(At the airport's control tower...)

Tower Controller:

I'm just looking at all the guys' faces here in the control tower.

- I'm good.

- Sounds good to me.

- Do it!

- Yeah, as long as they're best friends.

- Thumbs up!

...and, yep, I think we're cool with that.

(However, a helicopter lands atop the plane, where masked figures exit it and activate magnetic shoes to walk onto the cargo door. The group then use power saws.)

Leader:

Gentlemen, seal breach in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!

Captain Dale:

What was that?

Pilot:

One of us should check it out.

Captain Dale:

Okay.

Both:

Scissors, paper, rock.

Captain Dale:

Paper.

Pilot:

Scissors.

Pilot:

Ha! You always do paper.

Captain Dale:

I'm a loser at home and a loser at work. Holy cow!

(Captain Dale walks into the cargo bay and finds the mercenaries, who take his hat and catapult out of the plane. Back in the cockpit, the door opens.)

Pilot:

Captain Dale, is everything okay?

Offscreen voice:

I am afraid Captain Dale had to bail. I'm your new co-pilot...

(The camera cuts to reveal the identity of the voice---the Joker!)

The Joker:

And I always come to work...with a SMILE!

(However, the pilot stays quiet, wearing an unamused face.)

The Joker:

You should be terrified.

Pilot:

Why?

The Joker:

Because I will be taking over the city.

Pilot:

Mmm...

The Joker:

What?

The Joker:

Batman will stop you.

(The Joker scoffs at the statement)

Pilot:

He always stops you.

The Joker:

No, he doesn't.

Pilot:

What about that time with the two boats?

The Joker:

This is better than the two boats.

Pilot:

Mmm...

- Well, tonight is gonna be different!

Tonight is my greatest plan yet.

And trust me,

Batman's never gonna see it coming.

Like that time with the parade

and the Prince music?

Hey, quiet!

- Good night, Steve.

- Take it easy, Jeff.

Man, I really like that guy.

I sure hope nothing bad happens to him.

Nothing bad ever happens to me

What the...

Your city is under attack

by Gotham's greatest criminal minds.

Including

The Riddler.

Scarecrow.

Pizza delivery.

- Bane.

- Hello.

Two-Face!

We need that door open, baby!

Catwoman.

Meow, meow. You're in! Meow, meow.

I'm jumping out of the way!

And let's not forget, Clayface.

Poison Ivy.

- Freeze!

- No!

You freeze!

Mr. Freeze!

Penguin, Crazy Quilt, Eraser.

Polka-Dot Man, Mime, Tarantula.

King Tut, Orca, Killer Moth,

March Harriet, Zodiac Master,

Gentleman Ghost.

Clock King, Calendar Man, Kite-Man,

Catman, Zebra-Man, and the Condiment King.

Okay, are you making some of those up?

Nope, they're all real.

Probably worth a Google.

- Hey, watch it!

- Commissioner Gordon!

What is it, O'Hara?

We just got a report!

All the Z-grade villains have

broken into the energy plant!

What are we gonna do, sir?

The only thing we ever do.

Flip the switch to the Bat-Signal!

Flip!

Commissioner, are you there?

The Bat-Signal, she's been egged!

It's Egghead, sir.

I'm well aware of his work.

Dear gosh.

You've destroyed the Bat-Signal.

You have thought of everything.

Yeah, I know!

And when I take over Gotham City...

Opening reactor core doors.

...Batman will grovel at the feet

of his greatest enemy!

Me! The Joker!

Joker, do you read me?

10-4, girl buddy.

We're ready for you, sugar plum.

Well, then, let's raise the roof!

Fire in the hole!

O'Hara, have you tried the Bat-Phone?

Yes, but all I'm getting

is this hold music.

I love it.

- I want snipers trained on that building!

- You bet!

- I want water and air support, yesterday!

- Ahoy, sir!

And I need SWAT here now!

Phone call for Commissioner Gordon.

Hello? Batman?

Hi, Jimmy! It's the Jokes. Oop!

Nobody calls you that.

Yes, people do call me that.

Okay, listen up.

Go, go, go!

At this very moment,

an unnecessarily complicated bomb

is being attached

to the inside of the main energy core.

If the mayor isn't here in five minutes

to negotiate the city's surrender,

then I shall destroy Gotham City.

I did something!

Doctor, that sounds frightening

and overly complicated.

Talk us through it.

Well, I don't wanna scare

any small children who may be listening,

but it's a little-known fact

that Gotham City

is built on a bunch of flimsy plates

stuck together.

There's literally nothing beneath us,

except an infinite abyss

that smells like dirty underwear.

If Joker's bomb were to go off,

these plates would break apart,

plunging every Gotham citizen

into the eternal abyss forever.

And you wouldn't want that, now would you?

Now get me the mayor! Joker out!

Madam Mayor, I cannot ask you to do this!

- Jim, did you find Batman?

- No, ma'am.

Then we have no choice.

The Joker has the upper hand.

We have to surrender Gotham City.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry!

Flying the mayor package in right now.

SWAT team, get your stun guns ready!

- Non-lethal.

- Yeah!

Lowering mayor package through hole.

Madam Mayor!

Thanks for dropping by.

I've only got one thing

to say to you, Joker.

Well, you better make it fast.

Do you like to gamble?

Oh, I certainly do.

Do you ever play roulette?

On occasion.

Well, let me give you a word of advice.

I'm all ears.

When playing roulette...

Yes?

...always bet on black.

Batman?

What are you doing?

You're completely outnumbered here!

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