The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp Page #3

Say I've gone on some secret mission.

Make me mysterious.

Girl's pretty. Mother's a gorgon.

- Are you going on a secret mission?

- Yes, to Berlin.

- He send you?

- It's a secret from him, too.

- Morning. You send those flowers?

- Yes, sir.

Oh, there's a postcard for you, sir.

It's from Mr Candy. So, the old boy got there.

- How is Mr Candy, sir?

- Read it yourself.

Das ist die Dame im kleinen Salon.

Mr Candy?

- Miss Hunter?

- Yes.

Thank you for your telegram. It was a great

surprise. I had no idea you were in Berlin.

Nor had I until now. I only arrived yesterday.

Can you possibly mean that you've come here

solely on account of my letter?

- Well, naturally.

- Oh.

- You don't mind, do you?

- No, no, of course not.

Well...shall we sit down?

- Did you have a good journey?

- Excellent. I'm sorry to bring you out.

- I was about to call on you.

- I've changed my address.

My position became intolerable.

I've had to leave.

English people are not very popular in Berlin.

You've lost your job because you're English?

Can you get another job?

Perhaps in a few months' time. Not now.

- What will you do now?

- Go back.

- To England?

- Yes, I'm afraid so.

Cheer up. England isn't as bad

as all that, you know.

That is what we both want to prove,

isn't it, Mr Candy?

Yes, Miss Hunter.

How shall we begin?

- Do you know what Kaunitz looks like?

- No, I've never seen him.

I know a cafe where he holds his Stammtisch -

a table regularly reserved for him...

- Do you know any of his friends, Miss Hunter?

- Yes, one. A student.

The brother of my...ex-employer.

He is a Burschenschafter.

You know what Burschenshafts are?

- No, Miss Hunter.

- Groups of students with political principles.

They assert them by drinking beer

and fighting duels.

- Duelling is very popular here, I believe.

- Oh, yes.

It's a proud father

that has a scarred son, and vice versa.

German girls find scars very attractive.

A book was recently published on the German

colonies, in which it was specifically stated

that one advantage of possessing duelling scars

was that native Africans look with more respect

upon white men who bear them.

I feel like Stanley and Livingstone!

- Surely not both, Mr Candy?

- No.

- Miss Livingstone and the missionary.

- Livingstone was the missionary.

Oh, yes, of course. So he was.

Well, about this cafe,

can you take me there this evening?

- Do you wish me to accompany you?

- Yes.

- Very well.

- It's awfully nice of you.

I should obviously be absolutely lost without you.

Then, Mr Candy, you are Livingstone,

I presume?

Cancan

(Music ends)

Mr Candy?

(Chatter and laughter)

93? Oh, it's a song all the rage just now.

"Die Muhle Ging Rund Und Rund".

"The Mill Went Round And Round", Mr Candy.

Band plays a waltz

Miss Hunter, I'm afraid I've met you here

under false pretences.

Indeed? Why?

There are political complications.

The Prince ofWales is coming to Berlin.

He's invited to the Kaiser's birthday party.

- A goodwill visit and all that sort of thing.

- I know. It was in the papers.

You see, Miss Hunter, I know a chap at

our Embassy here. We were at school together.

His name's Fitzroy.

Only, we used to call him "Baby-Face".

But how are the Prince of Wales

and your friend "Baby-Face" connected?

Well, you see...

..he nearly had a fit when he knew why I'd come.

Baby-Face, I mean.

He lugged me in to see the Second Secretary

and he nearly had a fit too.

The possible scandal, you know.

Are you coming to a point, Mr Candy?

Yes, the point is

that I had to promise to do nothing.

And I went bail for you, too.

Oh.

Apparently, it's a matter for careful...

careful diplomacy.

You can see what they mean.

Yes, of course.

I know nothing about politics.

I rather stuck my head in where I wasn't wanted.

- I could get into the most awful trouble.

- Trouble, Mr Candy?

Well, I'm a soldier. You know that.

I thought you were a soldier this morning.

Or have you joined the Army since luncheon?

Meet Meister von Reumann.

Meet Meister Hoffmann.

- Meine Kommilitonen.

- Meine Herren.

- The table's filling up.

- Whose table?

Don't you remember the Stammtisch?

It's where Kaunitz will sit.

You know, it's a bit staggering

to see a girl take such an interest in politics.

- Politics?

- Well, what else can you call it?

German propaganda against England.

Counter-propaganda.

That's politics, isn't it?

Not for me, nor for a great many people.

You see, Mr Candy, when our Embassy in Berlin

reports to the Foreign Office in London

that "a slight change of attitude is visible in the

German nationals towards the Boer question",

I have to report home that I have lost my position

and am returning to the bosom of my family.

I suppose they'd be rather sick about it.

- They will welcome me with open arms.

- I don't blame them, either.

No, you see, my family were opposed

to my coming to Berlin.

- They said the place for a young girl is home.

- Quite so.

- Why?

- What do you mean, why?

How do you know what is the best place

for a young girl? Are you a girl?

- Have you any daughters?

- I say!

While you men have been fighting,

we women have been thinking.

Think for yourself, Mr Candy.

What careers are there open to a woman?

- She can get married.

- I was just going to say...

Supposing she doesn't want to get married?

She can go and be a governess.

But what does a governess know, Mr Candy?

Nothing, I assure you.

Then what can she teach

the children in her charge?

Very little, except good manners,

if she herself has good manners.

- Good manners are important.

- Did you learn that in South Africa?

My brothers told me that good manners

cost us Magerfontein, Stormberg and Colenso.

6,000 men killed and 20,000 wounded

and two years of war,

when with a little common sense and bad

manners, there would have been no war at all.

(Waltz ends)

(Applause)

The one thing I don't understand is why you

should have to teach German children manners.

- There are plenty of English...

- I'll tell you, if you promise not to laugh.

- I promise.

- My only asset is a fluent command of English.

Hear, hear!

To teach English in England

is to carry coals to Newcastle, and it's ill-paid.

I decided to obtain a post in Germany,

where my English would command a premium,

and, having learnt German,

to return to England...

Well, I'll be sugared!

- That is he?

- It's him, all right, the little skunk.

- Well, shall we go?

- Go?

Oh, yes, I suppose so.

History will remember this as the great retreat

from the Cafe Hohenzollern.

Just a second, please.

Here we are.

Can you get the orchestra to play 1 41?

Why, yes, of course. Call a waiter.

Herr Ober!

- It's Mignon, "l Am Titania". Do you really like it?

- I'll explain later.

Herr Ober!

- Kann die Kapelle 1 41 spielen?

- Aber naturlich.

(Laughter below)

Herr Kapellmeister,

der Tisch dadruben wunscht die Mignon.

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