The Lion of the Moguls

Welcome to Butterface Fields.

America. Small Town, USA.

The white picket fences around here

probably need repair,

but, uh, I like us...

Uh, care about us.

We... We make our share of mistakes.

But you'll see.

This is Floyd's. Floyd's Bar.

Also our coffee shop, our clubhouse,

our spot for Sunday brunch and...

Oh, that's me.

The miserable one. Andy Sargentee.

Ah, today I'm too tired of it.

More unaccepting than even usual.

We shouldnt interrupt him.

- He's busy.

- He's busy thinking.

Friends dont let friends think.

We should do something.

- Stop him.

- Just go see whats wrong.

- Go, go, go.

- Go on, go on.

Come on.

Lets go.

Hi, Andy.

You want to come over and, uh,

sit with us, Andy?

Hey, Andy.

What are you doing,

thinking? Dont do that, Andy.

Okay. Well, Andy, were over here.

Yeah, were... right over here, Andy.

That was Moe and Ron.

We always call 'em Moe-Ron.

They're never apart. Good guys.

I'd... I'd just had enough

of not having enough.

There had to be something

that I could come up with.

You need to stop taking

a dump around here, Andy.

In fact, you need to

start wearing a diaper.

- Thats an order.

- You stopped me from calling.

You said you wanted them needy.

Thought we might be able

to jack up the price on "em.

- Oh, I said that?

- A lot of people heard you.

Youre fired, stinky. Good-bye.

No more telling the

boss to blow himself.

I am trying to hold onto these jobs.

Thats the scary part.

Youve got to give it

a different kind of try.

Aw, Jesus, Andy! What the hell?

Are you out of your mind?

Would've been niftier

if I hadn't already been fired.

Anyway...

My wife Thelma, she

divorced me this year.

I know I would stand by you.

I'm even willing to believe in you.

I... I just...

I just dont know what else to do.

If you want me back, let me know.

I wanted her back,

but I didn't do

anything to get her back.

Thel gets good scores.

She deserved plenty

and got nothing from me.

Bye, Dad.

Eventually she met a guy, married him.

Did real well for herself,

and that's as it should be.

She's got the kid, Bill.

Ah, he's a... He's a good kid.

L... I wish I had more to offer him.

See, the reason that

everybody was so worried, uh...

Well, I-I've gotten like

this before, and, uh,

the ideas that I come up with...

Well, when I get 'em,

I tend to go with 'em,

and we're close here,

so others go with me.

I got us all to put in big

on one of those pyramids.

Tech at the height of the bubble.

Selling vitamins, even, but

we were all selling them,

so there was no one to buy 'em.

Stuff like that.

Oh, crap.

Barney Macklehatton, my best pal.

I had bigger problems.

How long has he been like this?

A long time.

Didnt you do anything?

I've been feeding him free drinks.

Thats my best trick.

Floyd, Barney's father.

Get younger.

Eat sh*t.

That's nice. They've become even closer

now that Barn's mom's passed on.

Andy, please, dont do this.

Were in some trouble here.

That's Helen Tatelbaum.

Hey, You turn pro?

Barney's in love with her,

ever since we were kids,

right to this minute.

No greater love has

the world ever known.

So, uh, what times this married guy

supposed to pick you up?

He's not married, Barney.

Theyre never married, Helen.

They just have wives.

I told you this one is not married.

Okay.

But this ones not coming.

Its 9:
30.

What time was he

supposed to pick you up?

I'm guessing 8.

Bastard.

But they've never

gotten together, though.

Just hold on. We get out of

this bar pretty soon, by the way.

Ho!

Hey!

Man, how you doing?

Uh, that's Moose.

He really behaves like this.

Has no idea how it seems.

Yeah, he... he's gay.

For some reason, he doesn't

want us to know this.

Seems to honestly believe we don't.

Yeah, I assumed you

needed some explaining.

Oh, and, uh, we didn't name him.

Two out of three.

He came to us one day and said, uh,

"Please call me Moose. "

We don't ask questions.

Hey, Andy. Why all glum, buddy?

Hey, lets get out of here

and rustle us up a couple of babes.

Always lifts my spirits.

Not the only thing it lifts. Boom!

He's serious.

Oh, that's just Some Idiot.

Hiya, Some Idiot.

- Hey, Some.

- How was school tonight, Some?

Some Idiot. Hey!

Some Idiot attends junior

college night school.

He studies something different

each night he attends.

Love the guy. Him we named.

So, yesterday was my kid's birthday.

I haven't seen him in a while.

Since before the honeymoon.

They took the kid, put him

in a private school, too.

Then they had to move

into this guy's house.

So I want to get him

something really nice...

really nice from his dad.

And the kid loves basketball. Loves it.

Can I help you?

Yeah, uh, which ball

do the pros play with?

- Uh, that one there.

- Mmm.

- Eighty bucks for a ball?

- Yup.

This is definitely the

ball the pros use, hmm?

Definitely the pro ball,

and its definitely $80.

Well, 79.99.

Plus theres tax on that, right?

Yeah, I didnt hear anything about this

being a no-tax day.

Do you think it might be?

Are you being fresh?

I dont know what "fresh" means.

Look, I want to buy this ball.

I may be a little short.

So, what, are you going to steal it?

What?

Well, no, I thought thats what

you were going to say.

"Cause Wally, he usually

charges full price,

so that just leaves stealing.

Is Wally around or a manager or...

Yeah, Wallys here. Sure. I'll get him.

Wally?

Guy with no money in basketballs.

- Hi, what can I do for you?

- Oh, yeah, I, um...

I, uh, want to buy this ball.

I have the money.

Absolutely. Terrific.

No, no. Uh...

I may be a little

short on my credit card.

Can we squeeze as much as we can on it,

and then maybe I could

let you hold something

until I come back, uh,

you know, with the rest?

I... I need to have the ball right now.

- No.

- No?

Excuse me. Wally?

You may be being fresh.

All right. Well, lets,

um... Lets try this.

I, uh, may have some room

on this other credit card.

- You know...

- You know what?

L... I might have some, uh...

This ball here is 39.99.

This is a very good ball.

He's going to ask you about tax now.

This isnt the official ball.

Absolutely correct.

But thats not the only special ball.

This ball, too, is special.

Now, if you were to describe that ball,

state its special significance,

you might say that that

ball is used in the pros,

whereas this balls

special significance,

stated, is that you may

be able to afford it.

What kind of businessman

are you? Come on. Uh...

Give me a break. Build

some customer relations.

You think I'm really

looking for the customer

whos a bust-out by dollar 80?

I could have friends.

A guy who doesnt have 80 bucks

doesnt have rich friends.

But I bet you have some

lovely 39.99 friends.

Youre going to gift

wrap this for me, right?

Why, certainly, sir.

Yeah, I'd sure hate to

lose you as a customer.

Take it easy.

I knew this guy was rich.

Ah, I didn't know he

was this goddamn rich.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes