The Lonely Guy Page #2

A river view is great...

as long as you're

above the river.

And you mustn't be fooled by

classy-looking neighborhoods.

Sometimes your

classiest-looking neighborhoods

have the highest crime rates.

Don't live here.

Bad neighborhood.

What a view, and you

can almost see the river!

See, this has the pacing room I need.

I'm working on a novel.

This apartment could really be my friend.

I'll take this.

All right, fine, but before

you can sign the lease,

there are a few questions I'd like to ask.

What?

"Do you have any dogs, cats, children,

or friends of ethnic extraction?

"Do you ever get personal

phone calls after midnight?

"Do you go to dinner

with people in show business?

"Do you ever put substances up your

nose or any other open bodily passage?

Is there anyone

in your acquaintance

who has a sexually

communicable disease?"

No dogs, no cats, no children,

no foreign friends.

No late phone calls, no show business

dinners, no disgusting substances.

No acquaintances with sexually

communicable diseases.

Except that Uncle Harry once developed

a rash after an affair with a waitress,

but he covered it with a tattoo of

a dragon so nobody would notice.

Thank you very much.

That seems satisfactory.

You can move in the day after tomorrow.

You'll fit in very well.

Thank you.

You wanna go to dinner?

I'm a man.

This is getting drastic.

I don't have anything in my place.

I just left with a suitcase.

I lost my comb.

This morning I had to brush

my hair with my toothbrush.

I cleaned it out really good so I feel more

comfortable. It takes about 20 minutes.

Does it look okay?

I was just thinking how good it looks.

I should get a comb. I'll get it today.

You oughta get a comb.

You think that's bad.

I had my yearly physical last week.

They called me yesterday, told me I

have to come back. They lost my blood.

Oh, god!

You know, I can give 'em more blood, but...

You see, you buy a lot of these,

you scatter them around,

and nobody'll notice you

don't have enough furniture.

Hey, this one looks nice.

No, you don't want that, Larry.

That's got buds. So what?

You don't want to watch life blossoming,

while yours...

Isn't, yeah.

Hey, how about a fern?

Great. But, Larry, don't call 'em ferns.

Call 'em guys.

Guys?

Yeah, make 'em feel like your buddy.

You can watch

football games together.

Watch football games with a plant?

Hey, you never know.

Well, I'll just take

this guy right here.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, good.

I could use one myself.

Want a sip?

No. I'm full.

What'd you eat?

Uh, a tuna sandwich.

How often do you have to

water something like this?

Just once a week.

But stay with it a couple of minutes.

It doesn't like to drink

alone, seriously.

Have you got your towels yet?

I forgot all about that.

I can get 'em wholesale,

if you don't mind other people's initials.

They get 'em

from divorced couples.

That's kind of sad, isn't it? I don't want

to get depressed every time I shower.

You'll probably

be depressed anyway.

Well, I gotta go.

I gotta go get some furniture.

Hey, doesn't your guy want

to say good-bye to my guy?

Say good-bye

to your friend.

Still a little shy.

Ahhh.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye.

I'd gotten some furniture,

but the big news was the phone.

I had to give them a $500 deposit and a

sperm sample, but they finally put it in.

So I pulled out

my little black book.

Nobody move a muscle.

First National Bank.

Hi. Carol Zall, please.

I'm sorry, she's all

tied up right now.

Would you care to leave

your phone number?

Larry Hubbard.

Kl5-1173.

Oh. She says she'd

love to talk to you,

and she'll get

right back to you.

Haven't lost the touch.

Cops! Out the back!

All right, let's go.

Take some hostages.

Get the bag.

Kid, you're coming with me.

For some reason,

Carol never called back.

You know, I know this guy

who's a magician.

He and his friend go into a

restaurant and start doing tricks.

He said they meet

a lot of girls that way.

So I got this magic book.

Try this.

Take a card.

Okay, look at it.

Okay, now stick it

back in somewhere.

There.

I'll shuffle.

Okay, cut 'em.

Okay.

Was it the queen of clubs?

No.

Was it a club?

No.

Diamond?

Yes.

Queen of diamonds?

No.

Nine of diamonds?

No.

Six of diamonds?

No.

Three of diamonds? Yes.

Yes. Not bad. Not bad.

Actually, I was feeling

pretty positive.

There are plenty of girls, and I knew

it wouldn't take long before I met one.

How you doin'?

I'm okay.

How about yourself?

Not too shabby.

Cigarette?

Oh, no, thanks.

Do you do this often?

Well... I'm a single guy,

and no use in saving it up.

Okay, you may get up now.

I'll have you out of here in just a minute.

Do you have time for a drink?

They say you should have some orange juice.

I have to meet my boyfriend.

Oh, right, right.

Me too.

You know, I really believe

that one of these days

I'm gonna meet the girl

of my dreams...

if I don't run out

of blood first.

I was getting

a little depressed.

So I was glad when Warren invited me

over to his place for a little party.

I want a list of part-time lovers...

Warren, how's it going?

What are these?

Party cutouts.

I got them at the Lonely Guy

Store at 81st and Lexington.

When I first saw them

it seemed like a weird idea,

but it turns out

they're a lot of fun.

They're good company too.

You'd be surprised.

Oh, yeah? It is surprising.

They move and everything.

I'm just gonna go

check on dinner.

Fix yourself a drink.

Drink anything you want. Thanks.

I'll get it.

Hey, how are you...

You got a complaint

about the noise.

You're playing

your music too loud!

Oh, I'll turn it down.

What the hell

is goin' on here?

Uh, just a friendly

little get-together.

- Can I fix you a drink?

- No, no. We're on duty.

- Oh, sure.

- Just keep the noise down.

Thanks.

Mike, go ahead. I'll be right down.

I gotta use the can.

Look, mister, really,

I don't have to use the can.

But tell me, please, where do you

get these things? They're fantastic!

You mean, you're a...

Yeah, a lonely cop.

A lonely cop?

Oh, gee!

You get 'em at the Lonely Guy

Store at 81st and Lex.

Thanks a lot. Do you know

if they got Gene Hackman?

Uh... Warren?

Yeah?

Does the Lonely Guy Store have Gene Hackman?

Yes, they do, but you have to

reserve him a week ahead.

Hey, terrific. Thanks again.

I really appreciate it.

Thanks a lot.

That's okay.

Come and get it.

Leg of lamb.

If I could tear you away from Dolly Parton.

Great, isn't she?

Hey, Warren, do you ever feel like

getting out and meeting real women?

Sure. I'm meeting a terrific

girl at a bar tomorrow night.

Do you wanna come? Maybe you'll

meet somebody. Well, yeah, thanks.

Who's that? Oh,

just a friend of mine I don't see anymore.

Oh. Well, here's to...

Ahh.

Oh, God, that's funny!

You tell a story so well.

Oh, thanks.

Here's another one.

I'm walking down Madison Avenue. It's

about 12:
00, 12:30. This really happened!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes