The Lonely Guy Page #3

This guy comes up to me... Hi, honey.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, hi. Hey, Warren.

Thanks for sitting in.

I was just telling Louise this great story...

How'd your meeting go?

Terrific. Looks like we got the deal.

That's wonderful!

Great. Listen, Warren,

thanks for sitting in.

I hate to have Louise sit and wait alone.

I was glad to do it.

Can you do it next week, same time?

I'll be about 45 minutes.

Oh, sure, sure.

Enjoy your dinner.

See anybody?

I'm trying to get my courage up

to talk to that girl over there.

Oooh, she's pretty.

Gee, I don't think so.

Why not?

I mean, she's

really attractive.

Well, hey!

Well, try.

Well, I will.

Hi. I'm Larry.

Hi. Brenda.

This okay?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I hate these places.

Don't you?

It's like, most of these guys

are just here for one thing.

I guess I want to meet someone I can talk to,

just get to know.

And go to dinners with,

and museums, art galleries.

I think what I'm looking for is

more of a real relationship.

That's great, Larry. But I

just came here to get laid.

Ever think

of getting a dog?

A dog!

Dogs are great. They leap all

over you. They lick your face.

They don't even have to

like you. It's their instinct.

Hitler had a dog.

That dog went crazy over him.

- Adolph Hitler?

- Yeah.

There's this pet shop,

has this policy.

Take a dog home,

you don't like it...

you bring it back,

you get another dog.

- That sounds like a good deal.

- It is a good deal.

I learned a lot

about dogs that week.

For instance, don't get a dog

that's bigger than you,

unless you're trying

to save money on bus fare.

Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go, boy. Come on!

And if you like to play fetch,

don't get a fast dog.

Fast dogs like to show off,

and they don't care about your stick.

If they don't come back

by nightfall, you're out $300.

Bassets are really

cuddly dogs.

They love to get in bed

and nuzzle right up to you.

The problem is, they miss their

mother and they howl all night,

and you have to pretend

that you're a Basset too...

and howl with him

'til he goes back to sleep.

A cute dog attracts women.

But not to you,

to himself.

I come by here every day

about this time.

Bye, puppy dog!

Me and the dog.

Hello.

Dogs have a great deal.

Hey, you!

What's your name?

Larry Hubbard. Why?

- I'm gonna write you a ticket.

- What for?

Your dog just fouled

the pathway over there.

- He what?

- He pooped.

Excuse me, but I don't think

that poop came from this dog.

No, no, I'm sure of it.

Definitely not.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- No, officer, I mean it.

Look, in the last week,

I've had five different dogs.

I'm beginning to know what kind

of poop goes with each dog.

I think I may even say,

without undue modesty,

that I am becoming somewhat

of an expert on poop.

And I can assure you that that

poop did not come from this dog!

Thanks.

I mean, this is a little dog.

That looks like a land mine.

God!

Warren, I gotta

meet a girl.

That was your dog's poop.

I saw him do it.

Oh, Warren!

I mean, look at that guy.

He's got a girl.

He had to meet her someplace.

He wasn't born with his arm around her.

What about jogging? Maybe

you can meet girls jogging.

Jogging. I remember

when I first saw Rocky.

I came running out of the theater,

ran into the park,

started jogging,

shadow boxing,

a guy came up and punched me

right in the face.

Oh, God!

I'm not really jogging.

I only ran about 50 yards.

This is not real sweat,

either. I sprayed it on.

They sell this

at sporting goods stores.

It's made from the actual sweat

of professional athletes.

This was taken from a Boston

Celtics basketball player...

immediately after

a double overtime game.

I think I'm getting hungry.

A vanilla yogurt

milkshake, please.

Did 22 miles today.

3:
06, that's my best time ever.

Don't sweat

on the counter, please.

Oh, sorry.

Ah, beautiful!

Hi.

I was just noticing that book you're reading,

Mayor of Casterbridge.

That's really a coincidence

because I did my final paper...

on Thomas Hardy

my senior year in college.

You know, Hardy

was a very interesting man.

When he was in London

in 1861...

How long have you

been a lonely guy?

Is it that noticeable?

What is it

that gave me away?

I know phony sweat

when I smell it.

When you came in, I thought

you were Larry Bird.

Sorry, it was dumb.

It's just that I saw you sitting there,

and I wanted to meet you.

No, that's not

even true, either.

I just wanted

to meet anybody.

I know.

It can be rough.

Did you try a fern?

Yeah.

A dog?

Yeah, but they don't seem

to really help that mu...

How come you know so much

about lonely guys?

My husband Marty was a lonely guy.

Oh, husband.

My ex-husband.

Oh.

That's how we met. I fell

for the phony jogging bit.

Never again. I learned to tell the

difference between real and bottle sweat.

Here, smell mine.

Oh, yeah!

Now, see, that's terrific.

That's sweat!

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, there's

no comparison!

Thanks.

So, um, how long were you

and Marty married?

Oh, not long. I found out he was

having an affair with a ballet dancer.

A dancer.

Now this may sound silly,

but by any chance that dancer

wasn't named DanieDaniellee?

No, no. Raoul.

Oh.

Absolutely no comparison.

Well, I guess

I'd better be going.

Hang in there. Lonely guys

don't stay lonely forever.

Hey, um, what's your name? Where do you live?

Could I call you sometime?

I wrote it all down

on the napkin.

I know what

you're going through.

Wow, that's fantastic.

What a great girl!

Well, that's $1.50. You've got

some yogurt on your face.

What a great girl.

I woke up early

the next morning.

Too early to call her.

I just couldn't get her out of my mind.

I couldn't wait

'til I got to know her.

I love the way your nose

crinkles up when you smile.

Ugly? They are not.

I love your freckles.

What's the best movie you

ever saw in your whole life?

You're kidding!

I don't believe it. Me too.

Favorite food?

With or without walnuts?

I knew it! I knew it!

What's the saddest thing

that ever happened to you?

Oh, my god! Really?

That's awful. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to make you cry.

There, there.

Just cry right into my arms.

It's gonna be all right.

Everything's all right.

I'm here.

I'm never gonna leave you.

I couldn't wait any longer.

I had to talk to her.

She had to be up by now.

It was almost 6:
00.

Oh, god!

Lois? Doris?

"Doris."

"336-738..."

"136..."

Damn it!

Hello?

Hello. Is there a Lois there?

Uh, Lois? No.

Uh, Doris?

No.

A Bess or Tess?

No. Who is this?

Please, sir, this is important.

Can you just tell me,

is there a girl living there,

mid 20's, 5'3", blonde,

beautiful face,

great figure,

fresh skin, full lips...

and young, vibrant, alive?

Is there?

No, no.

But please, please don't stop.

Hello?

Larry?

Yeah. Who's this?

Danielle.

Danielle?

I want you back, Larry.

Me and every other guy in New

York. How's the rock group?

Oh, Larry.

You're the only one that

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