The Lonely Guy Page #4

ever meant anything to me.

The only one.

Oh, good-bye, Iggy.

Bye, babe.

Good-bye, Fuzzy,

Zippy, Zingo, Starr.

Iggy, on your way out,

could you take out the garbage?

Thanks, love.

What about mushy-mushy?

Don't you miss it?

No.

Yes, you do.

All right, so I miss it.

Big deal.

Bye, Danielle.

I'm all alone in bed.

It would only take you

five minutes to get here.

There'll never be anyone else

for me but you.

Just you and me...

together forever and ever.

Do you mean that, Danielle?

Hold on a sec.

I got another call.

I knew she'd come back to me!

I knew it!

Hello? Who's this?

Larry. Larry Hubbard.

Oh, Larry.

Nice to hear from you.

I'm a little busy. Can you

call me back some other time?

...with a 20% chance of rain,

clearing in the afternoon.

There were three suicides

in Manhattan late last night,

all characterized

as lonely guys.

Two of the men were found dead

in their West Side apartments.

Both traveling salesmen, who came

home from the road after two weeks...

and found that their beautiful

fern plants were dead.

Wow.

A third lonely guy,

who had a view just below the East River,

opened his window and drowned.

There was no suicide note.

Apparently, he had no one to leave it to.

Talk about lonely.

And here's a bulletin:

The New York Police Department reports

there's just been another suicide.

That of a lonely rock group.

More details as we get them.

Way to go, Danielle. Now,

back to easy listening. It's kind of late...

Queen rook to king three.

Hello. Hello?

Hey, Warren, it's Larry. Wanna do

something tonight? Maybe go to dinner?

No, thanks. I think maybe

I'll just stay in tonight.

Relax, put on a fire.

Maybe some other time.

- Sure. I understand.

- Thanks for calling.

Bye.

Capture of queen by rook.

Queen's rook to queen seven.

Checkmate.

Thank you

for a pleasant game.

Thank you.

You played very well,

except for moves 14 through 17,

which you played

like an a**hole.

Yes? Hi.

Do you have a table for dinner?

Certainly, sir.

How many in your party?

I'm alone.

Alone?

Follow me, sir.

This way, sir.

Thank you.

Would you care

for a cocktail, sir?

Yes, I'd like

a "todka and vonic."

- A todka and vonic?

- Yes.

Very good, sir.

Oh, and, Captain?

Could you turn out the spotlight, please?

Certainly.

And could everybody

go back to talking?

Certainly.

This is

the really hard part:

sitting there trying to convince

people you're eating alone on purpose.

But Warren told me

how to handle it.

Is it all right?

Oh, you can read

my review next Sunday.

- Hi.

- Oh, it's you!

I wiped my mouth with

the napkin you gave me.

I spent two solid days

trying to decipher it.

I promised God if He

let me find you again,

I would never

wipe food off my face.

Oh, well, I figured

that would happen.

Lonely guys always

lose phone numbers.

What is your name?

Iris.

Iris! Iris.

Of course, Iris.

Sit down. Let me

get you something.

Oh, no, thanks. I'm here with

ex-husband, and we're leaving.

So that's Marty?

No, that's my ex-husband Jeremy.

Different ex-husband?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I have to go.

Wait. Your number.

Oh, I wrote it down on the check.

The, uh, waiter'll

give it to you.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

Iris, Iris, Iris.

Waiter!

Here we are, sir.

Thank you.

No, no. Please, sir.

With an eminent food critic such as yourself,

the pleasure

is all ours.

No.

I phoned every Iris

in the New York area.

Hello? Is this the Iris who

gave me her number last night?

No, it's not.

Sorry.

I combed the entire

neighborhood where I met her.

Night and day,

day and night.

I got so desperate,

I went up to my roof and called her name.

Iris!

Iris, where are you?

Marilyn!

Marilyn, my love!

Barbara!

Where are you, Barbara?

Lupe, I miss you!

Where are you?

Erica!

Erica, it's me!

Iris!

Caroline!

Iris, where are you?

Barbara!

Erica!

Caroline!

Lupe!

Iris!

When I was in high school,

I went to a movie theater with a girl.

I was sitting there, and about

20 minutes into the picture,

I slowly put my arm

around her.

Slowly, slowly, I put it on her

breast. She didn't say a word.

And I thought,

"This is great."

I sat through the whole picture and

didn't move. I just... right there.

Then when the lights came up,

I realized it was on her purse.

Ohhh.

It was still fun, though.

Because you didn't know, yeah.

Yeah.

I thought it might help

to see a psychiatrist.

You know, just to have

someone to unload on,

someone compassionate

and understanding.

Does Dr. Zook live here?

Second bell from the top.

Thank you.

Yes?

Hi, My name's Hubbard.

I have a 3:
00 appointment.

Hubbard, yes.

Nice to meet you.

Thank you.

Talk into the box, please.

What?

Talk into the box.

So, why did you decide

to come and see me?

Well... I recently ended a

relationship with this girl,

and I was feeling

kind of...lonely and...

Excuse me.

Do you mind if I smoke?

Uh, no. Go ahead.

Thank you.

You were saying you ended this

relationship with this girl.

Well, I came home... See, I was living with

a ballet dancer. Her name was Danielle.

When my father gave me a "C" in English,

I didn't understand.

He said it was because he had to

treat me like the other kids,

but I thought he was

being much tougher on me...

Sorry, Larry. That's all

the time we have for today.

If you like, I can see you

next Thursday at 3:00.

Yes, yes, I would.

I think the talking has helped.

Good. Now, if you'll just

deposit $50 in my mail slot.

Okay. Thanks.

You bet.

You know what gets me?

I go to get a haircut,

they charge me like four bucks,

which is the same amount of money

they would charge anybody to come in.

But say a guy like Michael

Landon goes into the shop.

They would charge him $4,

yet he's got 100 times more hair than I do.

By rights, they should be charging

Michael Landon like $400.

Yeah, but they don't charge you

by how much hair you've got.

They're paid to make it look

good with what you've got.

Well, I don't even know

if they've done that.

I mean, how does that look?

See, that's what I'm saying.

Do you ever try

swooping it over?

You know, some guys grow their hair

real long and then swoop it over.

My hair doesn't grow

long enough to swoop it over.

Besides, when you see a guy

with his hair swooped over,

you know he's doing it

to cover up something.

Yeah, if a guy has a lot of hair,

he's not gonna swoop it over.

You know, the guys that

always keep their hair...

are the guys that have

no use for it at all.

Who's that?

Like bums.

You ever seen a bald bum?

They always have a beautiful head of hair.

Why is that?

I think it's because they never wash it.

The only time you ever

see you hair fall out...

is after you shower

and you wash your hair.

If I'd never washed my hair,

I'd have a full head of hair?

They could lose their hair.

Maybe it just stays in.

If they ever wash it,

they could be bald bums.

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