The Lonely Guy Page #5

Mr. Hubbard,

the manuscript you sent us...

is not the sort of thing this

company is interested in doing.

Speedy Fingers Typing Service.

Hi, Larry, it's Warren. I can't go to

the movie with you tomorrow night...

because I decided

to end it all.

My life just seems

so empty and meaningless...

that I can't see any point

in going on with it.

Hope you enjoy the movie.

Good-bye.

I figured he'd be

at the Manhattan Bridge.

It was a sort of "in" spot

for suicidal lonely guys.

Check it out, man.

Block the door, man.

Iris! I lost

your phone number!

Hey, hey, hey!

I'll see you there.

Man, you sure are

some bad backward writer.

Thanks.

Warren?

Warren!

Warren!

Warren!

Warren?

Warren?

Warren!

Warren!

Carol!

Warren?

Warren!

Warren. Warren?

No. Henry.

Warren? Warren?

Warren!

Don't come any closer, Larry.

Warren, come down from there.

You have too much to live for.

Give me three things.

Two things?

One thing?

Not dying. Not dying

is something to live for.

What's the difference?

Nobody cares.

Warren, I'm your friend. I care what

happens to you. You gotta believe that.

You're great, Larry.

People say they're your friend... Larry?

They come running down here... Stay there.

I'll be right back.

Oh, Iris!

I'm so glad I found you.

Oh, come on.

My best friend is gonna jump.

What?

- Warren, please, come down.

- Who's this?

Iris, the girl I told you

about. I found her again.

Aw, gosh, she is lovely.

How are you?

- Fine. You?

- Eh!

Warren, please don't do this.

I need you.

You don't need me.

You two have each other.

No, this'll never last. She's

already had two husbands.

- Six.

- Six?

Six?

Six.

You can't have a stable relationship

with a person like that.

It's nice of you to lie,

but I can see how you feel about each other.

Okay, but that doesn't mean I

don't need you in my life too.

You want to know the place

I'll have in your life?

You'll have a beautiful wife,

great kids, lovely home,

and I'll be your bachelor

friend

who you feel you have to

invite to your dinner party.

But Iris has run out of single

women to fix me up with,

so she wracks her brain and

comes up with this widow...

who's 15 years older than me,

overweight with rotten teeth.

You know, it doesn't

sound all that bad.

I like a full-figured woman.

Teeth you can always fix.

And what does age matter if

you have a good personality?

That's right.

Would you make a nice leg of lamb?

Oh, yes.

Oh, I love lamb.

Excuse me.

Are you using this railing? No.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

With mint sauce?

Of course.

Let's all go somewhere.

You two go ahead.

I can't leave you after this.

Hey, I've been up there

plenty of times.

Why don't you come

to dinner with us?

No, y-you go ahead.

I'll catch a slice of pizza.

I'll call you later.

Thanks, Larry.

Iris, how old are you?

Thirty.

And you've had six husbands?

That's a lot, isn't it?

No, no, not really. When you think about it,

it's just one every five years.

And Jerry was

an alcoholic.

And Michael was

a compulsive gambler.

And Fred was a womanizer.

It seems I've ended

up being hurt...

in every relationship

I've ever had.

Iris, I guess no man knows

for sure what he's capable of.

There might be circumstances in

which I might lie or steal...

or, who knows,

even kill.

But there's one thing I know

in my heart I could never do.

As long as I live, I could

never, never hurt you.

Oh, Larry!

Iris. Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.

Are you all right? Ohhh!

Oh, sit down.

It's just a scalded lap.

I'm fine. Fine.

Just... fine.

No. No, you're not.

What are you doing?

I want you to know that whatever

feelings of pain you might have,

I want to share them

with you.

Oh, that was a very sweet

gesture. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Well, gosh,

it's almost 2:
00.

I guess you'd like me to

take you home, wouldn't you?

Yes. To your home.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, Iris.

But first, I just

have to go to the bathroom.

Okay, I'll take care of the check.

I better not.

Why not?

You might not be here when I get back.

Why wouldn't I be here?

That's how Milton left me.

I understand.

Are you still there?

I'm here, I swear.

You're the first person who's ever

done this for me. It's nothing.

I'm crazy about you,

Larry.

I'm crazy about you

too, Iris.

We went back to my place and talked for

two and a half hours about everything.

We found out we'd voted for exactly the

same people in the last nine elections.

We sang camp songs

to each other.

Then she got real romantic and said

she wanted to get in bed with me.

I was headed for

the greatest night of my life.

Except she wouldn't

take off her clothes.

Iris, please.

It's not going to work, Larry.

You're wrong for me.

Why?

Because you're

so right for me.

You're the most wonderful man

I've ever known.

If I let us get close,

if I made that commitment,

and you hurt me like the

others, I couldn't handle it.

- I would never hurt you.

- I'm too terrified to take that chance.

I need someone...

who I don't

care a damn about.

Someone mean and...

unfeeling and rotten.

I could be that. Give me

a day or two to work on it.

No, darling.

Iris, look.

I-I-I don't want to lose you!

You and I

have something special.

Sure, we have

a few problems...

like not having sex,

but we don't have to have sex.

There's plenty

of other things we can do.

We can go to motels and listen

to other people have sex.

It just wasn't meant

to be, Larry.

But there's one thing

I want you to know.

Even though

we didn't do it,

you're the best

I ever had.

The best what?

I love you.

I'll always love you.

But I've gone away.

Good-bye, my dearest.

At the sound of the beep,

please try and forget me.

Quarter to four.

Maybe I'll take a nap.

I don't like to take naps.

I don't like to wake up more than once a day.

When I first wake up, I get

that shock of who I am.

And I really don't like to do

that more than once a day.

Yeah.

Hubbard, I've been

wanting to talk to you...

about some of the greetings

you've been working on.

"Hi there, Grandpa,

Happy Birthday to you.

"And if you live 'til next year,

Happy Birthday then too."

I've been a little

preoccupied lately.

A little?

"Will you be my Valentine?

Think about it a bit.

"If you will, that's okay.

If not, who gives a sh*t?"

Mr. Hubbard

is fired.

One good thing

about being fired,

it gave me time

to work on my novel.

But that wasn't

going so great either.

"Soon the primal fire began to

burn in Lady Hookstraten's body.

"Her hips twitched

and trembled as each...

"fireball from Oliver's

powerful cannon...

"erupted like molten lava...

"into the quivering mouth...

of her ever-fluttering

love purse."

What do I know

about Oliver Cromwell?

What do I know

about love?

All I know about

is lonely.

How to eat alone.

How to live alone.

That's all I know.

Damn, the wind.

My book became an instant best-seller. Lonely

guys came out of the woodwork to get it.

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