The Lonely Guy Page #6

There were more of us

out there than I thought.

Mr. Hubbard,

where did you get the idea...

of writing a book

about lonely guys?

Everybody's a lonely

guy at one time or another.

You can be married

and be a lonely guy.

You can be quarterback of the

football team and be a lonely guy.

Mr. Hubbard, I want to thank you.

You've given hope to all of us.

Thanks.

Hi. Could you just put

"To Jimmy"?

Sure.

Funny how a little thing like writing

a best-seller can change a guy's life.

Hey, Larry, you're hot.

Griffin wants you

on the west coast

And on the east coast,

Letterman wants you.

Hey, we got a call

from Playboy.

They want you to pose

with the bunny of the month.

Ha, ha! She thinks you're terrific.

Woof! Woof!

You're her favorite writer.

And, hey, what a looker!

"It looks like blonde

bombshell Loni Anderson...

"has turned Larry Hubbard into

America's unloneliest lonely guy.

"It seems they haven't left Larry's

West Side apartment in two weeks,

and whatever they're doing there, we bet

they're not collaborating on a new book."

Where do they get

this trash?

Beats me.

I'm so glad we met.

I wonder if the European feelings

are as strong as the Americans?

well, speaking for myself,

I know that the wealth

or fame or social position...

have absolutely nothing to do with

whether or not I'm attracted to a man.

This is true. You should see some

of the trash she goes out with.

It's true. I've found that I've

been able to date women...

who wouldn't have given me a second

look before my book became a success.

But don't you see, Larry?

Success changes a man.

It makes him confident,

poised, self-assured.

And it's these new qualities

in the man himself...

that account for his

newfound appeal.

I guess

that's what it is, then.

Everybody loves my baby

But my baby don't love

Nobody but me

Nobody but me

Aw, gosh. I hate

to interrupt.

It's all been

so incredibly fascinating...

and entertaining

and instructive.

Really, the time

has just flown by.

The lovely Schneider twins.

Anita and Shotze.

Ex-lonely guy

Larry Hubbard.

And Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Thank you for being here.

You've made it a very

special night for me.

And I hope we can all get

together and do it again.

Thank you.

Good night.

Everybody loves my baby

Gosh, I hate to interrupt.

This has been all

so incredibly fascinating...

and entertaining

and instructive.

Really, the time

has just flown by.

I can't thank you all

enough for being here.

You've made it a very special evening for me,

and I hope we can all...

Oh, that was a very

sweet gesture. Thank you.

inaudible

I wrote it all down

on the napkin.

I know what

you're going through.

Hi.

It's you! My god, it's you!

I'm crazy about you,

Larry.

You made me love you

You woke me up

to do it

Excuse me.

I've been staring at you

all night.

The difference between

an agent and a manager

is with a manager you have

to meet his family.

Great party, Larry.

- It's fun, isn't it?

- It really is.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

You look great.

Come on in.

No, you're busy. I'll

come back another time.

No.

No, I missed you.

Oh, I missed you.

I saw you

on The Merv Griffin Show.

Oh, really?

I tried to stay away,

but I couldn't.

I wanted you so much.

Danielle.

Larry.

Danielle.

Larry?

Oh, Iris, Danielle.

Danielle, Iris.

Larry.

Danielle?

Lar-ry?

Iris!

Larry!

Danielle!

Larry!

Iris!

Danielle.

Iris.

The incinerator's

down the steps.

Iris?

Larry!

I'm so glad you sent

everyone home.

Me too.

I didn't think you'd remember.

It feels so good

next to your body.

Your feet are so warm.

Can I take my socks off now?

Please.

Sure. I just didn't know if

you wanted to go all the way.

Mmm. Oh, Iris.

I don't believe it.

I didn't believe something

like this was possible.

Oh, my god, Iris.

Have you started yet,

Larry?

Of course. What did you think

"Oh, my god, Iris," was about?

I'm sorry.

I'm inexperienced.

I know that sounds crazy

with six husbands,

but, you see, I've never

had a...you-know-what.

You mean an orgasm?

I didn't want to talk dirty.

None of 'em ever seemed

to care if I had 'em or not.

I care. Look, um,

I'll let you know.

Whenever you have one,

I'll let you know

about it.

Oh, you are so sweet,

Larry. I appreciate that.

I think it's the man's responsibility to...

Oop! There goes one.

You just had one.

I did?

Didn't you feel it?

In what part of the body?

I can't blurt out

in what part of the body.

There goes another one!

They're happening so quickly.

You have to be ready for them.

Sometimes they go by when you're just

talking or clearing your throat.

You are so

experienced, Larry.

I never realized a lonely guy

could be so experienced.

Well, this isn't the first time that...

There goes another one!

I think I felt that one.

It felt like a tiny hiccup.

I think that was a hiccup.

Maybe they're coming

from your side of the bed.

Let's change sides.

I don't want to miss any more.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe.

Whoa!

What?

Oh, nothing.

I missed another one?

Just the biggest one so far.

My god!

Excuse me.

Oh!

Oh! Oh, Larry.

I think I felt one.

You did?

Uh-huh. Right when

you sneezed.

Oh. GesundheitA.

Thank...

Oh! Oh!

Oh, I felt it again. Twice.

You did?

Yes. It was wonderful.

Oh,gesundheit.

Do you think

you could... sneeze again?

I don't know.

I'll try. Aaah-choo!

Oh! Oh, yes.

Yes. Gesundheit.

Aaah-choo!

Aaah-choo!

Oh, I never dreamed it could be like this.

Oh,gesundheit.

Aaah... aaah...

Aaah... aaah...

Aaaah! Aaaah! Choo!

Aaaah! Aaaah!

Ooooh! Oh,

you're magnificent.

Oh,gesundheit.

Aaachoo, aaachoo, aaachoo!

No, Larry, no more.

Stop, or I'll go mad

with pleasure.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Iris, I love you.

I love you too, Larry.

Why are you crying?

Because it's so hopeless.

But everything

was so good.

Exactly. I was afraid of getting

involved with you because...

I couldn't face

the possibility of losing you.

How do you think I feel

now that I found out...

you're not only

a great guy, but that...

you're the best

goddamn lover in the world?

I'm going.

Iris, look.

You're just upset.

Let me take you home.

You'll get a good night's sleep.

We'll talk about it in the morning.

No, I'll get a cab.

There's no point in

calling me in the morning.

I won't be there.

Aaah-choo!

That did it.

I knew I had to get out of town for a while.

So I booked myself

on one of those cruises.

I figured it might give me a chance

to get away from everyone I knew.

Of course, in the first three

hours, I met my accountant,

my plumber, my postman;

even Jack was there.

He'd just broken up

with Verna and Frieda.

I guess he was looking for more

girls to add to his collection.

He waved me over, but I just wasn't

interested in meeting other women.

I just couldn't get

my mind off Iris.

Excuse me, sir. Are you

Mr. Larry Hubbard?

Yes, I am.

This dog came aboard just before we sailed.

Your name was on his collar.

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