The Long Weekend Page #7

"THE ONLY ONES:
Another

Girl Another Planet"

Hey, Ed.

Where have you been, man?

I've been worried sick.

I called everybody in your address book.

I've been to the hospitals and mortuaries.

Where's the camera?

I've been worried sick. With that bump

on your head, you could've had amnesia.

Been wandering round

not knowing who you were,

and I'd find you years later as an old man

when I take my grandchildren to the circus,

only to discover my long-lost brother

in ring three

being the bull's-eye for a game of

butt darts by the midget pirates.

I was having sex with the gorgeous woman

down the hall.

I don't care about the

whole getting laid thing.

You don't need to lie.

I'm just glad you're OK.

Ed?

Oh, you left this at my place.

Call me.

Oh, man.

Now, that's impressive!

Guess that's why they call

you the Almighty, huh?

- Hey, where's the video camera?

- The video camera?

- Yeah, I need it now.

- OK.

F***?

"I think I'm on another world with you"

"With you"

"I'm on another planet with you... "

Ed, what are you doing?

Getting my job back.

"Another girl, another planet"

Go get 'em.

What happened?

Did you get all the footage you needed?

You kidding?

I was crazy to think that

in just one clay I could

film all the stuff that took

years to fill my archive,

I mean, I threw away

everything I needed to save my career.

You want your archived footage?

Come with me.

Coop, it is too late, OK?

The meeting takes place at three o'clock.

- I'm screwed.

- Then we'd better hustle.

Come on. I got a surprise for you.

"GOIVIEZ:
Whippin' Piccadilly"

- What are we doing at Mom and Dad's place?

- Come on.

"Once upon a time, not too long ago"

"We took a day out in Manchester.

Thought these might come in handy one day.

Go ahead.

"Played a bit of football,

fell into the union"

"Barged our way into the toilet... "

This could do it.

Yeah?

Sh*t.

We got to go.

Sh*t!

Oh, God.

"I remember seeing someone

dressed in a suit"

"Looking like a lunatic... "

Found it. Here you go.

"And we all fall down"

"There's not enough hours in our trip"

So we have clearly

not been responsive to your needs.

I mean, Great Bridge is a leader.

It's an innovator.

It's a groundbreaking insurance company.

It's unique. It's exciting.

With inspired leadership,

if I may be so bold.

Let me ask you, what type of

advertising are we talking about?

Well, I think we need to have

a face of Great Bridge Insurance.

A spokesman. Someone who represents

everything we stand for.

Someone attractive,

intelligent, approachable.

Hmm.

Anyone in mind?

Yes.

Me.

Right.

Well, I think we've got

ourselves a poster boy.

I knew we could work together.

You guys are un-f***ing-believable.

We try.

And you're fired. I hate ass kissers.

If I wanted a bunch of sycophants

who are only after my money,

I could just hang out with my family.

- Mr. Lamson, have a seat.

- Weren't you fired?

Shut up, Roger.

Mr. Lanson, I think you're

going to like this.

Oh, f***!

Oh, Sh*t! Urghl.

Aaagh!

Aaargh!

Aargh!

Ohh!

Urgh!

The unexpected happens all the time.

With Great Bridge Insurance,

you're covered.

And so Ed won the account back.

He got Frank's office and business boomed.

To show there was no hard feelings,

he even let Roger stay.

Ed and Ellen moved in together

and I heard that Cathy got fat

and Jack caught a disease

which caused his

testicles to swell to the

size of cantaloupes.

Talk about everything

working out perfectly.

It's your brother's big day, huh?

Wish him luck from me.

And yes.

I even kept my promise to God.

I don't know if it was such a good idea

to give up those ads and stuff, man.

Are you kidding?

Cooper, in your first serious acting

audition, you landed the role of Hamlet.

- That's massive.

- Yeah.

I don't know.

I'm sweating like a bullet here.

I'm nervous as hell.

You're going to be great, Coop.

Good luck.

Oh, hey, Ed.

Hey, man, thanks for coming, huh?

I Wouldn't miss it for the World.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks, bud.

Here we go.

And in this harsh world.

Draw thy breath in pain, to tell my story.

And the rest is silence.

"DAVID ESSEX:
Hold Me Close"

"Hold me close, don't let me go"

"Oh, no"

"'I"

"Yes, I love you and I

think that you Know"

"That you know"

"'With your love light shining"

"Every cloud's got a silver lining"

Jesus Christ?

Holy sh*t, woman.

Haven't you ever heard of waxing?

Sh*t?

It's your line that gets me.

I got it this time Third time's a charm.

I can't even listen to you.

I can't listen to you.

And were you close to the deceased?

I was her lover.

Oh, my. So you have your liquor license?

I bet you fart like a bunny.

I like fart like a bunny.

But what can we now take

away from her life?

Mark.

And I'd find you years

from now, as an old man

when I take my grandchildren

to the circus,

only to discover my long-lost brother

dangling from the trapeze

by the business end

of some Chinese anal beads.

Mark.

And I'd find you years

from now, as an old man

when I take my grandchildren

to the circus,

only to discover my long-lost

brother in the tank

getting mounted by the

transvestite hippo lady.

Now why would God take

the life of one so hot,

when there are so many ugly, loose,

gross b*tches to choose from?

F***.

Just f***ing lightning bolt their ass.

We've got these beautiful...

pristine, tight-lipped, wonderful angels.

Forget it.

What'd you do?

It was, like, seven,

eight, maybe nine times.

I'm peeing on her.

She's down there. She's licking my star.

I'm blowing it in her hair.

Is she into bestiality?

My next-door neighbour's got a Great Dane

and she's trying to get him...

She's putting peanut butter all over

her snoochy and stuff like that.

That's not right, is it?

She got my lob wedge, and

she's like, "Oh, yeah, yeah.

"I got to get the

thing regripped.

Oh, mah, yeah. She's cool though.

We talked a lot.

It was nice. She's really sensitive. Yeah.

But she was shoving my GI Joe up there

and stuff like that.

"BOSSHOUSE:
Let's Kick It In"

"I really feel"

"Feel like you want me to"

"Do you feel"

"Feel like I want you to?"

"'L really feel"

"Feel like you want me to"

"Do you feel?"

"'L really feel it"

"Do, Do you feel?"

"Because I really feel it too"

"Do you feel it"

"Just like I want you to?"

"Yeah, do you feel it?"

"Do, Do you feel it?"

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