The Lookalike Page #4

put the money in the bag.

- Go, go, go.

- Here's the money. Take the money.

- Put it in a bag!

- Okay, okay, okay, okay!

- Go!

- Okay.

I'll f***ing kill you! I see more.

- I see there's more! Don't f*** with me!

- Okay!

All of it, all of it.

- Oh, f***!

- You better run.

Please, please, just give me something.

- Get the f*** out!

- Please!

F***! F***!

All right.

Well, how about her friend, Emily?

No, no, no, the other blonde.

The one with the...

Hey, John, let me call you back.

I'm in a lot of trouble, Joe.

How much?

A hundred thousand.

To who?

You don't wanna know.

Cute.

These girls are all local?

Make a bunch of movies here now.

Some big tax break or some sh*t.

Oh. We gotta lose this Drew.

I'm telling ya.

Oh, f***.

Hey, Holt?

- Hold on.

- He showed me this photo of a girl.

Yeah, hold on. What?

This is crazy.

Bobby needs a lookalike

for some sex deal.

- Yeah?

- If I find someone, he'll give me 200k

for my show.

- What?

- Yeah.

But the girl, she gets...

she gets 300.

$300,000? For what?

- For f***ing somebody?

- Yeah, so, you know, I...

I was thinking if we could

swing it, you know,

200 for the lookalike, 100 for you.

- Let me see.

- Yeah, but we only have 24 hours.

Holy sh*t.

Hi, J.C.

Yeah, yeah. I-I...

I was just wondering,

has Sadie been in there today?

No, no, no. Everything's fine.

I-I... yeah...

Listen, I'm gonna have to call you back.

Hello. How are you today?

I said, how are you?

Hello. How are you?

I-I'm fine. What can I help you with?

I'm looking for Sadie.

What's it concerning?

She said she would hook me

up with a free pair of shoes.

So...

- So she offered to give you free shoes?

- I'm sorry.

Did you say something?

I'm... I'm deaf.

So I didn't catch what you said.

But I-I can read lips.

I-I was just... She's always

giving away free shoes.

Well, she bumped into me

at a bar the other night...

- Wait. When? Was it on Friday?

- Yes.

What bar?

You look amazing.

You really do.

Glad you came.

Sorry that I'm late.

I was with some friends

- debating whether or not I should come.

- Right. I get it.

I-I-I'm just gonna say it.

I-I was an a**hole to you the other day.

It's a long story, but it wasn't

anything to do with you.

I was dealing with some

weird sh*t from Joe,

and, I just had... I-I brought

this energy to you, and I'm sorry.

'Cause the truth is,

I can't stop thinking

about the other night.

- I-I'll do whatever...

- Just shut up.

I forgive you.

- I forgive you, too.

- You did get me off cocaine.

Hey. Come on in.

I thought you were going away.

It didn't work out.

I have to talk to you about something.

Saturday night, after you left,

Joe and the club owners came over,

and they were saying

all this sh*t about you.

And I got so mad, that's actually...

- That's how this happened.

- What?

Yeah. They were saying that they

had an inside man at the N.O.P.D.,

and they were adamant that

you were somehow involved

and were gonna turn in Joe...

- Why? Why do they think that?

- I don't know. They're crazy,

and I tried to tell them that, I swear

to God. Obviously they didn't listen.

But, Lacey, they want your head.

These guys don't f*** around.

- Wait. I have to have sex with him?

- This is insane.

What's insane is that she

almost turned me into the cops.

- I told you I was sorry.

- She said she was sorry.

I can't believe we're

talking about this.

Joe, I don't care what these guys

are threatening. She's not doing it.

I can't believe we're even talking

about this. What are we talking about?

If I do this, does that mean that I'm off

the hook? No one is coming after me?

Only if you get your

detective friend off my ass.

Well, I... I think that I can.

I just need an advance.

Okay.

No. Hold on. Listen,

you don't have to do this.

- There's got to be another way.

- Maybe it's not so bad.

I get $200,000, no one's gonna kill me.

I'll quit my job, finish my acting course.

We could go on a beach vacation somewhere.

I could start over.

Okay.

All right. I can do this.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah. Tell me about her.

Who?

My character.

This was the best jambalaya,

other than my own, you will ever taste.

Yeah, when am I going to try

this legendary cooking of yours?

Joe Mulligan in the flesh.

Got me a birthday tomorrow.

- Could use some reinforcements.

- No, man.

Now's not the time for this.

Seriously.

- Not right now. Seriously.

- Sign your life away.

- Oh.

- Please.

Autograph.

Sure. What's your name? Sorry.

Oh, it's for my wife, Julie. Yeah,

personally, I thought you were overrated.

I kind of forgot her big day last year,

so, you know, trying to make it up.

There you go.

"Julie, your husband is an ass.

Leave him. Joe."

She's gonna love it.

- Thanks, bro.

- Yeah, okay.

- There you go. Your... your pen.

- I'd like that back, yeah.

Listen, I've done some things that I'm

not very proud of in my life, but...

Since I've met you, I-I...

I never wanna let you go.

I'm sorry. Was that too intense?

No, you're wonderful, and...

I just can't stop thinking about

how much of a jerk that guy was.

Yeah, well, welcome to my life.

I have to take this.

I'm so sorry. I got the check.

I will be... right back. Sorry.

All right, gentlemen.

Remember, Lacey...

She's only doing this because

she thinks you want her head.

- I do want her head.

- You want her vagina.

Bobby, there are a lot of vaginas on my

to-do list, but hers ain't one of them.

Well, Frank, without her head,

she's useless to old Willie Spinks.

So don't lose yours.

- After we have her vagina...

- Then I'll have her head.

No, no, no. No, no.

No one's having anyone's head, okay?

She's gonna loan us her vagina.

She gets to keep her head.

- Can we please stop saying "vagina"?

- B*tch was gonna turn you in.

B*tch had no choice,

and now she's offering us a bone.

Vagina.

- Do we agree?

- Yeah. Let's brief her.

Can you pull your hair back a little?

F*** me, man. Wow. Wow.

All right.

It's gonna take place

this Thursday, okay?

At a hotel in the French quarter.

We're not gonna tell you which,

'cause the less you know, the better.

- What's the call time?

- The what?

- What time am I expected?

- You'll be picked up 6:00 P.M., sharp.

For hair and makeup?

Someone's gonna do my

hair and makeup, right?

- You can't do it?

- She'll definitely need a hairdo.

Yeah, but we should, you know...

We should f***ing... We should do it.

You think you can make

my hair look like this?

I'll need a spray.

I think I should consult with...

Hey. All right. You're not gonna consult

with anybody about anything, okay?

- I can't get a spray?

- What's a spray?

To bronze the skin.

Take a spray. But don't tell the person

spraying you why you're taking the spray.

Yeah. And don't come out looking like

an oompa loompa, all orange and sh*t.

Don't see your usual hairdresser.

You know, you f***ing... Got it.

You know, across town.

Sweetheart, you're perfect.

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