The Lords of Salem

As I write these very words,

the witch, Margaret Morgan,

gathers with her coven of six

deep within the woods

surrounding our beloved Salem.

The blasphemous music echoes in my mind

driving me to the point of insanity.

I, Jonathan Hawthorne,

swear before the eyes of God

on this day in the year of our Lord 1696,

to destroy all persons which choose

to pledge allegiance to the demon Satan

and his spectral army.

In the name of Satan...

...ruler of the earth...

...the king of the world...

...open wide the gates of hell

and come forth...

...from your blessed abyss.

All hail, Unholy Father,

make your presence known this night.

I swear on this day to be a faithful servant

to the Prince Lucifer.

- Make your presence known this night...

- I swear mind, body and soul

to the designs of his Lord Satan.

We trample on the cross!

We spit upon the book of lies.

- Make your presence known...

- I'm ready. I'm ready.

To abandon this mortal existence

and deny Jesus Christ,

the deceiver of mankind!

Sisters, stand ready to desecrate

these false bodies.

Show yourselves.

All together!

We desecrate the virgin whore!

Blaspheme the holy spirit!

Laugh at his suffering!

She got down but she never got tired

She's gonna make it through the night...

I Through the night'

Hi, big bubba.

I love you.

Good boy. OK, go on.

Jesus.

Would putting it on the mat kill you?

Hi. Are you the new tenant?

I live here at number two.

All right.

In other news,

state legislators gathered today

to discuss changes

to passage lanes on the Mass Turnpike.

Construction could begin

as early as March 1st

labour unions agree

on the official stan' date.

City officials are in agreement

on the proposed toll hike

from $5. 10 to $7.

The president of the

motor transport association...

Get off the table. No, no, no.

Get down. No, no.

- Oh, hi.

- Hey, Lace.

- How are you this morning?

- Moving a little slow.

I see you finally rented

the dreaded number five.

I wish, babe, I wish.

That apartment is a total dog.

No offense, Troy.

No one wants it.

I don't get it. I know the price is right.

But I just saw the tenant like ten minutes

ago standing in the doorway.

I hate to break it to you,

but there is no person in number five.

I definitely saw someone standing there.

I said hi

and they slammed the door in my face.

Huh. Well, that doesn't make any sense.

But I'll check it out

if it makes you feel better.

- Yeah, it would.

- Hello.

You handsome boy.

Did you have a good night's sleep, eh?

Well, I better get this beautiful boy

out for a walk.

I'll see you later.

- Come on, Troy.

- Have a good one.

The Big H Team!

Heidi LaRoc.

Herman Salvador.

Herman Jackson.

And once again voted number one

by the readers of Dig Boston.

The Big H Team!

WIQZ. Salem Rocks.

You know,

I think I'm starting to like it.

My mother lost her virginity

to that song, I believe.

- Don't talk about your mom that way.

- This is your mother!

We are here with Count Gorgann

from the band

Leviathan the Fleeing Serpent.

- Count? Royalty. Royalty in the house.

- Count. He is a count.

Count, how come you look at me

like a beautiful Frulein?

Ja, that is a my schnitzel.

Can you explain the philosophy

behind your music?

Our philosophy is to expose

the lies of the Christian whores

and Jesus the true bringer of death.

We are not the crying sheep of God.

We are the mighty goat.

Why the goat? Why not the pig?

According to Mr Chung's menu,

I was born in the year of the pig.

Ah, good for me.

The goat has free will

and for that reason he will always be

punished by the oppressor God.

Praise Jesus!

God must die. God is the unholy pig.

- We serve the butcher.

- OK.

Hey, girl!

Give it to me, what you say?

So, a Mexican dwarf?

Si Carlo.

I used to know a dwarf named Dero.

I What you say?

Give it to me, what you say?

Give it to me

Give it to me

- OK, are we done yet?

- I know I am.

Good God, let's get the F out of here.

It's Monday, so you know what that means.

Ladies' choice.

In other words...

- Rush.

- Whoo!

Let's have a drink.

All right, pour it on me.

Andale! Andale!

Hey, mama.

- This came for you.

- Oh.

Ah. Very fancy.

Who's that from, pray tell?

I don't know.

Some band called the Lords, I guess.

- Sure as sh*t.

- What?

It's sh*t.

OK, Mr Negative, just for that,

I'm gonna take it home

and give it a listen.

- Have a good one!

- Bye, baby.

- Salaam Alaikum.

- Mm-hm. Salaikum salaam.

Mm.

Anyone want a lift?

Uh, my head is spinning from the tequila.

If I get in a car, I think I might puke.

Enjoy the walk.

It's good for the lungs, I hear.

- So I hear.

- Hop up on the handle bars.

- You wish.

- Don't doubt me.

All right, kids,

I gotta get home to the warden

without racking up another DWS,

if you know what I mean.

- You mean DWI.

- No. DWS.

Driving while sexy.

- Ow!

- Driving while stupid.

Bonne chance!

Never fear, maestro's here.

I Shiny, shiny

- I Shiny boots of leather...

- What?

Nothing.

Too obvious?

What the f*** does that mean?

Ha!

We gotta convince Herman

to drop the rug routine.

You think?

Who does he think he's fooling

with that dead possum on his head?

He'd be much better off

rocking the Isaac Hayes.

You gotta tell him. He'll listen to you.

Me? I told him

he'd look cooler without it.

He won't listen to anybody.

Dead air.

Yeah. Dead hair.

Dead air.

Oh.

Well, how about this?

In Ukraine,

music always delivered in wooden box.

Sure, whatever.

Ah, thick vinyl. Strong like bear.

Whoa! Sorry.

I think I owe you a new needle.

- Well...

- Let me try this again.

Damn.

What are you doing?

Oh.

It's really f***ed-up sounding.

We should smash or trash this tomorrow.

Hey, you all right? Are you cool?

Breed this new world

with the blessed spawn of your glory.

Your vile taste sickens me.

Remove this hideous creature.

Sisters, we have failed.

Hey. you OK?

Are you cool?

I suddenly got super tired.

Oh, well, yeah, no, I mean, I'll go.

I got a long ride home.

You can crash on the couch if you want.

Really? The couch?

Yeah, really, the couch.

Even though I had a mum

who was a drug addict,

it still felt so really attractive

for some reason,

even after years

of watching her go downhill.

I just knew that somewhere along the line,

I was gonna have to try it for myself

I wasn't the kind of guy who would really

learn from other peoples mistakes.

That was just not the way

I did it, you know.

If I did it, I was gonna do it and I was

gonna learn the lesson the hard way,

which I did, repeatedly.

So here I am, not wanting to learn

from other people's mistakes

and I'm trying to help you guys

learn from my mistakes,

even though I still struggle every day

with everything that I've ever learned

over the last 12 years.

- Thank you. That was great.

- Thank you. Thank you for coming.

I'm off dairy.

Attention all cows on the eastern seaboard.

Herman is off dairy.

Wait a minute. You're off dairy?

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