The Lords of Salem Page #2

And gluten free.

- Do you even know what gluten free is?

- Of course.

I just saw you eat a grilled cheese

five minutes ago.

- I like cheese!

- Sandwiches don't count.

Um, bread and cheese.

Mm-hm.

Anyway, if you're just tuning in,

we've been chatting with Francis Matthais,

author of the book Satan's Last Stand. "

The Truth about the Salem Witch Trials.

You look very handsome

on the back cover here.

Thank you.

Is that why you took the book

into the bathroom, Heidi?

You are such a perv.

That's a very intriguing tattoo.

- Oh, thank you.

- It's really kind of mesmerizing.

Ah.

Whoa, Francis. Restrain.

OMG, stop looking at my titties!

I have a wife. Alice, if you're listening,

please do not change the locks.

It doesn't stop Heidi, don't worry.

All right, so, Francis,

how many people were actually executed

during the Salem witch trials?

Well, approximately 25,

if you include the accused witches

that died in prison.

Come on, 25? Are you serious?

I mean, I have to admit

I'm a bit disappointed with the number.

Were there any quote, unquote,

"real witches" in Salem?

Well, today there's a large

Wiccan population.

They're a positive earth-centered religion.

Yeah, hairy armpits and granola.

I don't dig it.

I shave my armpits.

- That's a pity.

- Hm.

You know, classic witches.

No, there are no classic witches, actually.

Witchcraft is nothing but

a psychotic belief

brought upon

by a delusional state of mind.

Windy, I can't make an exception.

The oven's already off.

Look, I got a couple calzones left.

I can drop 'em off on my way home.

How's that?

Bye-bye.

- Violence on Monday...

- ... appears...

The Truth about the Salem Witch Trials.

So, check it out.

Hey, everybody.

What do you think it's time for?

Smash or Trash.

I believe Heidi is gonna provide us

with our first victim.

That's right.

This one is a little different from most.

I have no info on where this came from.

All I know is the group is called the Lords.

I assume they're from around here,

so we'll just call them the Lords of Salem.

Francis, we'd like to thank you

for coming in.

- You've been a great guest.

- Well, thank you for having me.

Alright, open up the phone lines

and lets hear what everyone has to say.

Phones are now open,

so get ready to smash or trash.

Can you mute that?

It's giving me a headache.

Thanks.

May I ask you,

where did you get that music from?

According to our receptionist,

it just appeared,

with nothing but a note for me.

It specifically came just to you?

Uh, yeah, very specifically.

I didn't think anyone knew my real name.

F***ing internet.

Yeah. Well, I'm just gonna

mosey on home now,

get the critique from the wife, so...

- Have fun.

- Thank you.

Bye-bye.

- I'm home!

- Hola.

I hate this broken door.

So, did you listen? How was it?

Did I listen? Did I listen?

Of course I listened.

- You were fantastic.

- Yeah?

And I recorded you

so you could hear yourself back.

Oh, no, I hate the sound of my voice.

Imagine me.

I have to listen to it every day.

So did you...

Did you record the music that they played?

Oh. Yeah.

You know, I can't believe the noise

that masquerades as music today.

- You know?

- I know.

You know, I'm hungry.

I'm hungry. Are you?

I'm going to reheat

some of the leftover pasta.

I wanna... listen to that music again.

Something about it really upsets me.

Just...

Especially the name, Lords of Salem.

Where have I heard that?

You really think that Francis guy's cute?

Are you serious?

I mean, come on. Francis?

What kind of name is that?

Don't be jelly.

I'll see you kids tomorrow.

And you, you get some sleep, would you?

You look exhausted.

Ah, thanks. You make me feel so pretty.

You know what I mean, string bean.

Good night.

- See you.

- See you later.

Combien est-ce que je vous dais?

Combien est-ce que je vous dais?

Pouvez-vous parler plus lentement?

Pouvez-vous parler plus lentement?

- Heidi.

- Hi.

- Come in. Come and meet my sisters.

- I have to...

OK.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Oh, please come on in

and join the party.

Hey, she broke out the good stuff

for a change.

If you consider Merlot from Australia

the good stuff, mate!

Come on. Come and join us.

OK, but first I gotta go up and feed Troy.

- OK.

- OK.

Oh, awesome! We'll wait.

We'll be waiting.

Troy. Come here, Troy.

I know, buddy, I'm late. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. OK, hold on one second.

Here we go. Come here. That's it.

There you go.

OK, I promise I'll be back quick.

I'm just gonna go have a quick one

with the ladies downstairs. Be back soon.

That should do it.

Another dead soldier.

You served your country well, sir.

- Hear, hear.

- Hear, hear. Cheers.

So what do you gals do?

I'm a self-help guru.

I help people who are lost,

find themselves again.

Ah. I think I could use some of that.

We all could, baby.

- And Megan here...

- I read, darling.

Read? I'm not sure I understand.

Like a proofreader?

Megan is a very good palm reader.

Oh.

See, most readings

are like surface observations,

but Megan sees things really deeply,

into the world beyond.

Really? I've never had my palm read before.

I always thought it was kind of a scam.

No offense.

Oh, well, actually, my dear,

I do take offense, great offense.

Plastic Gypsies with crystal balls

and neon signs

have destroyed the value of my gift.

Give her your hand.

The hand and the brain are one.

One quarter of the motor cortex

in the human brain

is devoted to the hand.

- Did you know that?

- No.

The lines are formed

at a subatomic and cellular level.

These are the lines of your life.

Let me see your right hand.

The right hand is the future.

Ah. Is that the life line?

This is the line of fate.

This is the only line of concern to me.

The length of your life

is inconsequential.

It's what you do with your time

that matters.

Ah. OK, well...

So, tell me, what is my destiny?

It reads your fate, not your destiny.

Is there a difference?

With destiny

you can premeditate the outcome,

but fate, fate leaves you no choice.

It is predetermined

by forces stronger than ourselves.

Oh. I don't like that. I think

I changed my mind. I don't wanna know.

You must make peace

with your subconscious desires.

Really? What desires?

The wicked thoughts

burning inside your head

and exploding

in the juices between your legs.

The darkness within your very soul.

The only reason you exist.

Uh, I think I'll make peace

with those desires later.

I really should be getting upstairs now.

Heidi, I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.

Megan can be a little adamant,

you know, sometimes about these things.

Yeah, and a little wasted.

I'm really embarrassed.

This is not the evening I had planned.

No, it's fine. Have a good night.

- Good night.

- Good night.

- Well, have another drink.

- I think that went rather well.

Why do you have to get so intense

when you do these readings?

It's really annoying.

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