The Love Bug

I'd like another shot

at that prize money.

- Okay for next Sunday?

- No, Jim. It ain't okay.

- Now, look, Bice...

- No, you look.

All of my drivers

are 18, 19.

You're too old

for these kid snorts.

You're liable

to get hurt in there.

You used to be a big track driver.

Ain't you got no pride?

I ran out of pride

when I ran out of cars.

Jim, you gotta look

at yourself.

Okay, you start out all right.

You win a couple of tracks,

you think you're on your way.

But it didn't

work out, did it?

- Much obliged.

- You need any money?

Nope.

Hey.

What do you do

with this stuff?

It's for a friend.

Hey! How'd it go?

Okay.

- I brought you something.

- Oh, thanks.

Aw, the poor thing.

I'll find a good spot for it.

- You got hurt again.

- So?

One of these days you're

gonna get wiped out entirely.

Why you gotta be a driver?

Maybe that's not

your thing, racing.

How about all those car agencies

down on Van Ness?

I bet a top mechanic there

gets a lot of good bread laid on him.

What is the matter

with everybody?

Can't you understand?

I'm not a mechanic, I'm a driver.

I know just how you feel, Jim.

Hey, I used to think I was

happy painting flower seeds.

Then one day, inside me,

this little voice says,

"Tennessee Steinmetz. "

I said, "What?"

It said, "You ain't happy. "

Tennessee, why is it the only thing

we have in this house is parrot food?

- I mean, we don't have a parrot.

- Eat that. That's good.

That's pressed kelp.

That aerates your liver.

Then this voice inside

of me continued as follows:

"This is nowhere.

Ya gotta make a new scene.

Ya gotta change your bag. "

That's when I split.

I went to Tibet,

to a mountaintop,

with swamis and monks.

I discovered my real self.

It was wonderful.

I don't have

to go to Tibet.

I know who I am.

I know what I want.

There are dirt track races at a carnival

near Bakersfield this week.

If I can get over there

I can pick up a couple of bucks.

Okay to use your wheels?

Okay, but you're gonna have

a little trouble getting it started.

Where's the beast?

You didn't

cut up the Edsel.

It came over me

all of a sudden.

It was the only

decent thing to do.

Believe me, Jim,

it'll be happier up there.

Are you all right?

Are you dizzy?

Oh, no. There's a slight

racking pain in my head here.

Oh, well, I think you'd better sit down.

I'm really terribly sorry.

Well, it's not your fault.

I didn't mean to startle you.

Looks like you've been running

into all sorts of things lately.

Yeah. Oh, this

is just a little...

- Oh, lady.

- Oh, really, sir.

Excuse me.

Over 400 cubes.

Dual quads, all synchro box,

zero to 60 under five.

All right, Miss Bennett.

I'll see to this gentleman myself.

May I be of service, sir?

I see that you're a person

who appreciates fine things.

You're no doubt aware that this

is the celebrated Thorndyke special.

Allow me to say, sir,

that I think this car

would suit you very well.

Yes.

Yes, it would.

- May I offer you a glass

of sherry and a biscuit?

- Go right ahead.

I take it the question of price

does not greatly concern

a gentleman like yourself.

Oh, I wouldn't haggle

if that's what you mean.

What price range

did you have in mind?

About $75.

$75.

I could go 80 in a pinch.

What do you have in the way of

cheap, honest transportation?

Cheap, honest transportation!

I will bid you good day, sir.

Good day.

Hey!

Havershaw!

Now, where did

this come from?

- Mr Thorndyke, yes, sir?

- What is this thing

doing in my showroom?

I believe Miss Bennett

may know something about this.

Yes. You remember when Mrs van Luit

purchased her new Bentley?

She also requested us to buy

a small used car for her upstairs maid.

Then why isn't her upstairs maid

in her blasted vehicle?

The car was returned

this morning, Mr Thorndyke.

She was having some kind

of difficulty with it.

- Get it out of here!

- Yes, sir.

What's that for?

- I beg your pardon?

- Why don't you let the little car alone?

Are you presuming to tell me

what to do in my own establishment?

Okay, I'm out of line.

It just bugs me to see somebody

abusing a decent piece of machinery.

How fascinating.

Well, now that we've had the

benefit of your point of view,

shall we regard our relationship

as terminated?

Havershaw!

Get this eyesore out of my showroom.

And if ever I find it here again,

someone is going to find himself

in a great deal of trouble!

Yes, sir. Of course.

Boys, here we go.

Here we go.

- Sorry. None of my business, is it?

- Perfectly all right.

- Goodbye.

- Oh. Goodbye.

- Good morning.

- Good morning. What do you want?

- Police.

- Right. What do you want?

Forgive me for pointing,

but have you ever seen that car before?

- No. No, I haven't.

- Hey, he's a cute little fella.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I think I saw

that car at an agency yesterday.

Now, permit to inform

you of the following:

First, say nothing that would

jeopardize your constitutional rights.

Second, the minute

you get downtown,

I would advise

you get a good lawyer.

- Shall we go?

- Go? What for?

On suspicion of grand theft.

Now, wait a minute.

There's something cockeyed about this.

How did that little

car get here?

I share your curiosity.

Shall we go?

I'll do it.

Okay, I'll do it.

But I want to go on record. I have seen

some crummy stunts used to sell cars,

but this beats everything.

To plant this Bug

in the possession of an innocent man

and accuse me of stealing it!

How dare you, sir!

Are you suggesting I would

stoop to such tactics?

That's exactly

what I'm suggesting!

In the first place, it might

interest you to know that

under normal circumstances,

I would never sell a car

to someone with whom I'm not,

shall we say,

socially compatible.

- You'd sell a car...

- Please! Let's not

go through that again.

I think we've worked

it out very well.

Mr Douglas needs a car,

and for a very low amount down...

and the usual monthly payments,

the car will become his.

Very well, even though my inclination

is to have Mr Douglas clapped into jail,

and this four-wheeled contrivance

dropped into the bay!

- I think Mr Thorndyke

is being very fair.

- Fair? It's not fair!

I'm being muscled! I want you to know

that I know it and I don't like it!

I'll draw up the papers.

Would you come

with me, please?

Then get Mr Douglas

and his acquisition out of here...

before I lose my temper!

What in...

What's the matter?

You from L.A. Or something?

- I thought we'd run over to that

new restaurant in Marin County.

Have you gone mad?

Okay.

What's the joke?

- What do you mean?

- I don't know how you rigged it,

- but I'm sure that car's a real cutup

when a convention comes to town.

- What in the name...

If I'd wanted a trick car

I would have bought one in a joke shop.

Allow me to say I haven't the slightest

idea what you're talking about.

You come blithering up in

that beastly little car...

and assault

my personal Rolls Royce!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes