The Love Guru

When I was a child in India,

growing up in the tiny village

of Harenmahkeester,

I found a voice-over machine,

which I still use to this day.

Oh, hi.

I decided to use

the Morgan Freeman setting.

I am His Holiness the Guru Pitka.

In my book, If You're Happy

and You Know it, Think Again,

I speak of intimacy, or "into-me-l-see."

Intimacy is like putting your wiener

on the table and having someone say,

"That looks like a penis, only smaller."

Only smaller.

Though I was raised here in India,

I was born in America,

which is where our journey begins.

It's the story of a hockey player

named Darren Roanoke,

my most resistant student,

who became my greatest teacher.

Or some such bullshit. I don't know.

Gotta go!

- Hi, I'm Trent Lueders!

- And I'm Jay Kell.

Tonight is all about champions.

But before we get going,

I'd like to start by thanking

my own personal champions.

The fans who supported me

with their cards and letters

during my recent addiction

to peyote buttons and Frangelico.

I've already apologized to my friends,

my family, and my god.

And now, I'd like to apologize

to Dame Judi Dench

for my vicious and brutal attack.

I'm sorry, Judi, you did not deserve that,

and I hope the staples come out soon.

Over to you, Trent.

Thanks, Jay!

Tonight, the Toronto Maple Leafs'

Darren Roanoke

is the subject of our player profile.

Hockey has its legends.

Now, the new one, Darren Roanoke.

Known as the Tiger Woods of hockey,

Roanoke brought the sport

to a whole new audience.

- Hey, yo, check this, son!

- Check this!

A role model turned bad boy.

He was in a perfect marriage.

But before the playoffs,

he stunned the world

by separating from his wife, Prudence.

From role model to dating models.

Roanoke found out his wife, Prudence,

was dating the L.A. Kings' legendary

French-Canadian goalie,

Jacques "Le Coq" Grande.

He earned his nickname, "Le Coq,"

for reasons that cannot be stated

on this program.

This interview is over.

Holy...

That's when Roanoke fell apart.

Roanoke is hit hard.

Open net! He misses!

Damn, damn, damn!

But the question on everyone's mind is,

can the Leafs win without Roanoke?

Well, can we win the Cup

without Roanoke?

Not a chance, boss.

As long as Jacques "Le Coq" Grande

is banging Darren's wife,

Darren's toast.

My father once told me the Yankees

hired a guru to turn their team around.

I have our guru.

If he can fix Darren, we win the Cup.

They call him the Love Guru.

Tumble out of bed

and I stumble to the kitchen

Pour myself a cup of ambition

Yawning, stretching, try to come to life

Jump in the shower

and the blood starts pumping

Out on the streets

the traffic starts jumping

With folks like me on the job

from 9:
00 to 5:00

Working 9:
00 to 5:00

What a way to make a living

Barely getting by

it's all taking and no giving

They just use your mind

and they never give you credit

It's enough to drive you crazy

if you let it

They let your dream

just to watch them shatter

You're just a step

on the boss man's ladder

But you've got dreams

he'll never take away

You're in the same boat

with a lot of your friends

Waiting for the day

your ship will come in

And the tide's gonna turn

and it's all gonna roll your way

Working 9:
00 to 5:00

for service and devotion

You would think that I

would deserve a fair promotion

Want to move ahead

but the boss won't seem to let me

I swear sometimes

that man is out to get me

Working 9:
00 to 5:00

What a way to make a living

Barely getting by

it's all taking and no giving

They just use your mind

and they never give you credit

It's enough to drive you crazy

if you let it

Working 9:
00 to 5:00

What a way to make a living

Barely getting by

it's all taking and no giving

They just use your mind

and they never give you credit

It's enough to drive you crazy

if you let it

Working 9:
00 to 5:00, yeah!

Here we go, here we go.

Mariska Hargitay, Speedy. Yeah.

Ride 'em, cowboy.

Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.

Rajneesh! Mariska Hargitay.

Your manager Richard Pants is here.

Dick Pants. Send him in.

Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.

Have you seen today's paper?

Oh, don't tell me,

it's another article about

Deepak Chopra being number one

and me being number two?

Not in as many words.

Quaking pudding! I can't take this!

Not again! What? Why, why?

Babu, to be the world's second

most popular

Neo-Eastern-Self-Help-Spiritualist

is no small thing.

Thank you, Rajneesh.

You are my compass.

Give me a pound.

Lock it down.

Break the pickle.

Tickle, tickle.

- You!

- You!

- Well, no, you!

- You!

No, no, no! You!

Okay. You!

No! You!

Stop it!

Who's the gift basket from, Dick?

Brad and Angelina.

It says,

"Thank you for the gift of true intimacy,

"but we've decided

to work with Deepak instead."

What does Deepak Chopra have

that I don't have?

He's been on Oprah.

Oprah!

And Oprah loves a great story.

Now, take a look at this.

The Toronto Maple Leafs

will pay you $2 million,

if you can get Darren Roanoke

back with his wife

in time to win the Stanley Cup.

Two million dollars!

That's a lot of cheese.

But wait, it gets better!

I spoke to Oprah's producers,

and if you can restore

Darren Roanoke's marriage,

they guarantee

that you will be on her show!

Let me get this straight.

If I fix their marriage, I get on Oprah,

and if I get on Oprah,

I'm the next Deepak Chopra!

Deepak Chopra. Maurice Pitka.

Please enter the ashram

of the Guru Tugginmypudha.

Guru Tugginmypudha,

you are so good with nunchucks,

yet you are blind.

I am not blind.

I am just severely cross-eyed.

I know, it is weird.

Be seated.

Deepak, here you go.

Maurice, you're not of Indian blood.

Speak of your parents.

They are both dead.

They were missionaries.

And what did they do before then?

They were dog stylists.

So, let me get this straight.

They were into doggy style

before the missionary position?

That's hilarious.

My parents are dead. Thanks.

Deepak,

why do you want to join

the Tugginmypudha Ashram?

To seek my true self.

All right, kiss ass.

Maurice, why do you want to join?

I want to become a guru

so girls will like me.

Then I will like myself.

Deepak, you will enjoy love in all forms.

Maurice, you must

wear this chastity belt.

Chastity belt? That sucks!

Once you have learned

that self-love is more important

than being loved by others,

you may remove the belt.

Master, if I am not allowed

to be with a woman, may I still...

You will go cross-eyed!

Guaranteed.

- Mariska Hargitay. Yeah.

- Mariska Hargitay.

I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.

Welcome to my ashram,

the Ecumenical Intuitive Enlightenment

Initiative Organization,

or EIEIO.

- Guru Pitka had a farm.

- EIEIO.

- And on that farm, he did no harm.

- EIEIO.

Okay.

If I sit like this any longer,

I'm gonna pop my dink bag.

Listen up. I am a guru.

Let's look at the word "guru," okay?

My goal is to get you to say,

"Gee, you are you."

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