The Love Guru Page #2

TM.

And the you of "guru" is intimacy.

Or "into-me-l-see."

I see.

Without intimacy, you feel nowhere.

Tonight I want you to go

from nowhere to "now here."

Yeah.

It's like in The Electric Company,

you know?

- Now...

- Here.

- Nowhere.

- Nowhere.

My laws of intimacy

are kind of like my Bible.

And let's look at the word "Bible,"

shall we?

The Bible is " basic instructions

before leaving earth."

TM.

Put that sh*t on a T-shirt.

Show the T-shirt.

Now, I myself

have a guru, Guru Tugginmypudha.

And my guru, Guru Tugginmypudha

had a guru, Guru Cheddafrumunda.

And Guru Cheddafrumunda

had a guru, Guru Hathasmalvena.

Guru Hathasmalvena had

two main periods of his Gita,

or words of wisdom.

The first period

came before he got syphilis.

Some pre-syphilitic

words of wisdom include,

"To know something is good.

"To do something is God."

Then, after he got syphilis,

he would say things like,

"Eatin' ain't cheatin'."

"Did it smell that bad when you ate it?"

"Liquor up front, poker in back."

But his point was this,

"If you can't love yourself,

you can't love another."

And that's the end of that one. Yeah.

Mariska Hargitay.

Some announcements.

On Friday, please join us

for our first annual Gamblers

Anonymous Monte Carlo Night.

Yeah. Just for funzies, you know.

Bring your singles. Yeah.

All right, good night, everyone! Yeah!

Thank you so much!

Great show, Guru Pitka.

Hey, any bears in the cave?

- Any bears?

- Oh, yeah.

Bear cub. Left cave.

- Right here?

- There. Right there.

Yeah. Right.

That little booger gave me a

nose-whistle during the whole show.

Now, I'm ready to receive.

Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.

Mariska Hargitay, Jessica Simpson.

Did you get into the VIP room okay?

I love you.

Mariska Hargitay, Your Holiness.

Mariska Hargitay, Val Kilmer.

Why do you hurt me?

I know why. I know why.

- Mariska Hargitay, Guru Pitka.

- Mariska Hargitay...

Mariska Hargitay.

I so enjoyed your sutra,

especially the part

about not being a victim.

Well, thank you.

Because you are such

a generous benefactor,

we are establishing the

"Mariska Hargitay Special Victims Unit."

The whole nine yards.

Thank you, Your Holiness.

You have gone

from nowhere to now here.

I'm beautiful and I have a secret.

Bang.

Yes.

Guru Pitka, this is Jane Bullard,

owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

- Guru Pitka?

- Hold on one second.

Guru Pitka?

No!

So, you are the owner

of the ice hockey team,

the Toronto Maple Leaves?

- Actually, it's Leafs.

- Who said that?

How did you get there?

This little guy

scared the crap out of me.

I think I'm gonna have to do

a panty check.

I might have some

monkey-mustard back there.

No, I am good.

Who is this prick?

Well, how do you do? Shrimp?

What'd you call me, Jagamo?

I'm sorry,

I didn't catch your gnome... Name!

You are a midget.

I find that term condescending!

Condescending.

That's a big word for you.

The man's an ass!

Your Holiness, you're an expert on love.

Yes, I am.

Why do you think Darren Roanoke

threw away his marriage?

Well, in my book,

I Know You Are, But What Am I?

I explain that when love goes wrong...

- Nothing goes right.

...nothing goes right.

- Yes!

- I've read it. It's impressive.

Yeah, it's nothing short

of a masterpiece.

So, do you think you can come back

with us to Toronto in the team jet?

- It's a date.

- Is it, now?

Well, this kitten's got a whip. Meow!

This is great, Your Holiness!

I can see you now,

spreading your message of self-love

- on Oprah.

- Oprah!

He's finally here for the first time

on the Oprah show.

Welcome Guru Pitka.

Oprah! Come on, Oprah.

Hello. Thank you very much.

Mariska Hargitay.

Thank you for the gift of water.

All right, I'm just gonna

come out and say it.

I find your work really inspiring.

I actually went to one of your sutras

after my father passed away.

I'm sorry to hear about your father.

Have you read my book

on the grieving process?

It's called, What's This?

A Dead One of These.

- Yes.

- Oh, you have?

I especially like the chapter,

"It Might Just Be Sleeping."

My favorite.

- I've read all your books.

- Oh. Well.

To tell you the truth,

I kind of have a schoolgirl crush.

Oh, really?

What does your husband

think about this crush?

I'm not married.

- Boyfriend?

- Nope.

Girlfriend?

Well, I mean,

there was one time in college.

Really?

- What was that?

- I didn't hear anything.

Well, it's hard to believe a girl like you

can't find a man.

What does that mean, "a girl like me"?

Well, come on, I don't have words for it.

You know, nice girl, intelligent,

bedroom eyes, pouty lips, great rack,

tight bell-shaped ass,

thicker than a Snicker...

Say.

My problem with men

is the Bullard Curse.

What's a Bullard Curse?

My father, Hank Bullard,

bought the Leafs in 1967.

And we haven't

won a Stanley Cup since.

So, all the men in the city

blame me and my family.

Well, as I write in my book

Stop Hitting Yourself.

Stop Hitting Yourself.

Why Are You Still Hitting Yourself?

I explain that,

people may say bad things about you,

but you must never

say bad things about yourself.

I see someone who's ready for change.

It would just be easier to change,

if I didn't have to deal with the city

that hates me.

Jane, the City of Toronto

doesn't hate you.

- Oh, yeah, they do.

- Oh, no, they don't.

- Oh, yeah, they do.

- Oh, no, they don't.

Trust me.

At the arena,

I had Maintenance paint lines

to show me

where the crowd can't see me.

You know, so they don't boo me

and throw stuff at my head.

I mean, I didn't even ask for this job!

I guess it's just my fate!

Fate is a joke.

And as I once read on a wall,

in a truck stop bathroom in Barstow,

"The joke is in your hands."

Oh, my God, I just got that!

Well, to be more accurate,

the joke was in Rajneesh's hands.

What?

Nice shooting!

I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.

Look, man,

just get back on your pillow, all right?

There ain't no connection

between my love life and my hockey.

I'm not here to work with you.

I just came by to say hello and goodbye.

- Goodbye?

- Yeah.

I spoke with your wife, Prudence.

She broke it off with Grande,

and now she wants you back!

- Seriously?

- Sure. You don't need me.

Go back to what you were doing.

Yes!

There is one other thing.

I lied.

Prudence is still with Jacques Grande,

and he still has

the biggest wiener in hockey.

- Is it true?

- Yes, he has a ginormous hog.

Do you still think there is no connection

between Prudence

and how crappy you are playing?

Tell me this.

- Do you want Prudence back?

- Of course I do.

Then I need you

to write Prudence an apology letter,

and I will go deliver it to her.

All bids for connection count.

- What if it doesn't work?

- I can always refund your misery.

I was ominous just then.

Grande's not going to like you

talking to Prudence.

I know, but I must deliver

this apology letter to her.

- Do you think Grande saw us?

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