The Love Guru Page #3

- Of course not, Rajneesh.

We are completely hidden by this bush.

This may go badly.

Keep the elephant running.

Prudence?

My little cabbage?

While I do your calves,

I'd like to sing a song

by the greatest singer ever

from Quebec, Miss Celine Dion.

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice

when I couldn't speak

You were my eyes when I...

You saw the best there was in me

No!

You were my eye...

Do not peck my f***ing eyes!

Don't peck my eyes!

Lifted me up when I couldn't reach

You gave me faith 'cause you believed

I'm everything I am

Because you love me

That was beautiful.

And now, I'd like to show my love

by making for you a Quebec pizza.

- What's that?

- Pop-Tart with the ketchup.

She's good.

Guru Pitka? What happened to you?

Nothing. Why do you ask?

We've not much time.

I have an apology letter from Darren.

Well, you know, I got attacked

by a rooster. So, you know.

Yeah.

So he writes one stupid note

and you expect me to take him back?

- Perhaps I can change him.

- Ding-dong.

Did someone order

the special Quebec pizza, eh?

You know, like in the porno.

- Who is this in my house?

- Whoa!

Looks like he's smuggling a schnauzer.

Yeah.

Let me show you out.

Down, boy.

Read the letter.

- Nice place, eh?

- Yeah.

And I got her cheap.

So, it's an honor to have you

here in my house, Guru Pitka.

I think you are an amazing guru, and...

Hey! Mister!

What did you do to my rooster?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Stay away from my girlfriend!

The Wolverine.

Don't look at me with that tone of voice,

or I punch you in the shirt!

Okay, gotta go.

Beat it. I gotta take a dump.

Bodhisattva!

Hello, superstar.

Welcome to my new Toronto ashram.

Uncle Jack.

Can I get a hand

getting off this elephant?

Darren, if your Uncle Jack

helped you off an elephant,

would you help your Uncle

Jack off an elephant?

That's funny to you?

I don't know where I get it.

So did you give Prudence

my apology letter or what?

- Yes, of course!

- Did it work?

Let me answer it this way.

- You're an idiot.

- Yes, I am!

Now, your entourage must stay behind.

No, no, no, no, no. They protect me.

Well, they didn't protect you

from that outfit, now, did they?

What?

What's wrong with shark skin?

More like gay-skin, how about.

What? Yeah.

Snaps.

- Right, let's talk about Jacques Grande!

- No! Leave that man out of this.

You feel inadequate,

because he has plenty of clarity,

organization, charm, and knowledge.

TM.

Yeah, he's got a lot of that, all right.

Therefore, he's able to say to Prudence,

"Be loving and open-hearted

with my emotions."

TM.

You better stop right there.

Blowme is a good way

to remember that. Blowme, yeah.

Blowme, yeah. Blowme.

Blowme.

- You should stop.

- Well, I'm sure you're sick of this.

I know Prudence

has had it up to here with Grande.

All right, you know what?

I can't move my body!

It is an Indian martial art

known as "how to hurt a guy."

I am poking your third eye.

And if I twist my thumb,

I can make you crap yourself!

So, what do you want me to do?

What I need is to get you

to follow my method, Drama.

We must distract you

from your emotional pain,

regress you back to your childhood.

We must adjust your negativity,

mature you, and put it all into action.

If you follow my method,

not only will you win Stanley's Cup,

but you'll also get Prudence back.

You think this'll work?

- Depends.

- Depends on what?

No, you might want to

pick up some Depends.

I may have twisted my thumb. Yeah.

Check for coins.

Think fast.

Drama!

Drama.

Students, now I am going to teach you

the "D" of drama. Distraction.

Maurice, if Plato,

Shakespeare and Einstein

were talking about the meaning of life,

and two elephants

started humping outside,

even they would rush to the window.

It is the ultimate distraction.

We shall now compete in a game of tag.

It is called Stink Mop.

Enter, Sanjay!

Enter, Maurice.

Commence Stink Mop.

Stink Mop! Stink Mop!

- Stink Mop.

- Go.

- Stink Mop.

- Stink Mop!

Maurice.

What are you not thinking about?

I am not thinking about my chastity belt.

- That is distraction.

- Yes!

I get it! I am distracted!

Good distraction frees us

from emotional pain.

Bad distraction gives you

a mouth full of whizz.

- Once again, I'm Trent Lueders.

- And I'm Jay Kell.

Go, Leafs, go! Go, Leafs, go!

Tonight, game one

of the Stanley Cup Finals.

L.A. Kings, Toronto Maple Leafs.

It's gonna get ugly.

Ugly. You want to hear ugly?

At Promises, I shivved a guy

with a sharpened toothbrush

because he bogarted

the rehab toilet hooch

that I'd made

from apples and pantyhose.

That was ugly.

Over to you, Trent.

Thanks, Jay.

All right, guys. Bring it in.

Let's rip off their heads

and sh*t down their necks!

Yeah!

- Go! Go!

- Here we go!

Now, the first lesson is distraction.

In order to learn distraction,

you're not allowed to fight anyone

in today's hockey match.

I'm a hockey player!

That's what hockey players do.

We fight!

It's a problem.

Even Jay-Z had 99 of them,

and the b*tch was not one of them.

Now, do you want to win Stanley's Cup?

Yes, I wanna win the Stanley Cup!

Then you are not allowed

to fight anyone for any reason!

Don't fight!

Now, get out there, and don't kill them.

- What is that?

- Corn dog.

What is it?

Is it made from dog?

What a freaking idiot.

Is this a dog's thingy?

Am I being punk'd?

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Leafs take the ice.

Hello, Los Angeles Kings.

I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.

And I have a message

from Darren Roanoke.

He told me to tell you

that you're all his b*tches,

and that you can suck his big greasy...

Mariska Hargitay.

- I'm gonna kill you, Roanoke!

- You're dead, Roanoke!

Damn, Roanoke!

And we're getting ready to drop the

puck for game one of the Finals.

- I know I'm excited, Jay. How are you?

- I am rigid.

It's a yard sale!

- What?

- Not to fight.

You are not to fight anyone.

I would not wanna be his nutsack.

They're coming after Roanoke!

Get up!

What the hell are you doing?

Superstar, look at your hands.

- They're not shaking!

- Yes.

Roanoke with the puck. What a pass!

Goal!

Roanoke may be fighting for his life,

but he's playing great!

Rob Blake is lucky

the refs didn't see that.

But the refs will see that

on our post-game highlight reel.

That is the Altoids " Curiously Strong

Elbow to the Face" of the game.

Oh, God. Am I still dreaming?

No. Why do you ask?

Why'd you tell me not to fight?

Because you are now distracted,

therefore playing better.

It's the only way.

Yeah, well,

I can't keep getting my ass kicked!

Fine! Fight anyone for any reason.

You just said don't fight...

- What, it's just arbitrary with you?

- Of course not!

But we will let the dice decide.

Yes, it is arbitrary!

Fight anyone for any reason!

Fight anyone.

It's a bench-clearing brawl!

Remember, kids, this is not

how you play hockey.

- It's just ugly.

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