The Love Guru Page #4

- I like it.

That was a good one.

One game suspension, Roanoke!

Way to go, Roanoke! You jag-off!

- Him, too?

- Anyone for any reason.

I love my job!

- Two games!

- Now, it's a two-game suspension.

That would mean Roanoke

would be out for game two and three!

He could play in game four.

Of course, we don't know

if we're going to game five!

Two and three, out,

can't play in the game.

He could watch the game at home,

but he can't play!

He can pretend to play

while he's at home,

but he cannot play on the ice

in the game that we're watching,

which is after this game,

'cause we're in game one.

You have a firm grasp of the obvious.

How could he do that?

Are you all right?

I'd like to thank the Academy.

Wow, these things are heavy. Yeah.

- Put me down, A-hole!

- Okay.

And the Kings take the first game

of the Stanley Cup Finals.

Damn it!

Cherkov, relax!

- Now, everyone, let's just take a seat.

- Okay.

First of all, let's agree next time

we decide to have a group meeting,

we take it in my office.

Now, Guru Pitka here

obviously has a plan.

So, Guru, enlighten us.

What is your plan?

Frankly, this is completely unexpected,

and I'm scared shitless.

- No, no!

- Let me at him!

- Take it easy, Frodo.

- No! Get back! No!

No! No!

Hippie queer!

- Throw a hex on you.

- Okay, okay.

Isn't there any way

that you could skip a step or two?

No way!

With Drama, there is no shortcuts.

We must now

take him back to his childhood.

- His childhood?

- Yes.

His mother only lives an hour away,

but he won't allow her

to go to the games.

Interesting.

He won't allow his mother

to come to any of his games!

Come, Rajneesh, a breakthrough!

Little help, please!

Okay. All right.

- You're leaving?

- Yes.

- Where are you going?

- To see Darren.

Jane, I promise you,

everything will be fine.

Come by my ashram, then I will explain.

Coach Cherkov, I would invite you,

but I know you have your meeting

with the Lollipop Guild.

Why won't you let your mother come to

any of your hockey games?

'Cause, man,

I don't play well around her, man.

She freaks me out.

Then tomorrow we will go to her!

- Oh, hell no! Oh, hell no!

- Oh, hells yes!

- Yeah.

- This ain't Driving Miss Daisy, man.

I'll break your fingers.

Okay. Yo, this my street right here.

- Tonawanda Street.

- Tonawanda Street?

I know this street.

- You do?

- Yes.

- At what number did you live?

- Fifty-three.

Do you know a Dickie Withers at 85?

- No.

- Well, it does.

A dickie does wither at 85.

I own you! Yeah!

Yeah! You are laughing!

You see, you're filled with joy of a child!

You are now ready to meet your ma.

I'm warning you, GP, my mom's tough.

Oh, please. How bad can she be?

Raise it up and make a joyful noise

Oh, I shall not be moved

- No, no, no, no

- No, I shall not be moved

No, no

Lead me to your rock

Where I shall not be

I shall not be moved

Remember, Darren,

you must stand up to her.

Got it.

- Baby boy.

- Oh, Mom.

Now, why won't you let your ma

come see you play?

It's just that you're not always

the most supportive, Ma.

Supportive?

Pressure makes diamonds.

Pressure also makes rubble.

And after a good whipping,

cream rises to the top.

So does scum!

- You're the Guru Pitka.

- Yes, I am.

You're like

the poor man's Deepak Chopra.

Game over.

- Oh, Mom, don't, don't.

- Do you have something to say to me?

Yes, you do. Yes, go ahead.

Yes.

You change your hair color?

'Cause it looks nice.

We'll talk in the car.

Well, this was fun.

And by fun, of course

I mean emotionally scarring.

I know you are not trying to tell me

how to raise my child.

Gotta go.

- Superstar! Superstar, wait!

- Whoa!

Look at you. You're jumpy.

You're like prison b*tch jumpy.

I told you that

we shouldn't have come here.

No, no, no, no, no.

We have to go back in there

and confront your mother.

There has to be another way.

Well, I hear you rappin'

Sister McCrappin'.

Okay, there are two ways

to regress you.

One involves your mother,

your shame core,

and a grueling process

of intense self-examination.

- What's the other way?

- Well...

What does this sound like?

I am making diarrhea sounds

with my cup.

I'm regressing you.

Someone's in here. Someone's in here!

Yes. You are laughing!

Why am I laughing, man?

Look what you did to my jacket.

Ball-gazer!

Go ahead!

You bastard.

You totally caught me in a ball-gaze.

Congratulations,

you have been regressed.

I own you!

- Yes, you own me.

- That was easy.

But with ownership

comes responsibility.

It was at this point that I realized

that my student

was finally shedding his defenses.

What are you doing?

He said while eating a chicken wing.

I am talking into my voice-over machine.

So, the Leafs lose game two

by a whopping six-to-one score.

The Leafs look rattled without Roanoke.

- It's Darren Roanoke.

- You mean Roan-choke more like.

That's great. Nice hat.

- I had a hat like that once.

- Yeah?

Then my mom got a job.

Looks like I'm gonna have to shove

these love beads someplace special.

You got a problem?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Let me handle this.

There are two things about violence

they teach you when becoming a guru.

The first thing is,

an eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.

The second thing is,

never ever watch the bottle.

You son of a b*tch!

It's a bar fight!

Down, down!

Watch out!

- Well done!

- Nice job!

Hold on, hold on.

Niagara Falls is amazing.

Darren.

Just because

your mother only loved you

when you achieved

doesn't mean that Prudence will

only love you when you achieve.

I was afraid

that Prudence would leave me

if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,

- so I left Prudence first.

- That's it!

However, we must

confront your mother.

Prudence always wanted me

to stand up to my ma.

- I know.

- I miss Prudence.

I miss the connection.

- Connection.

- Yeah.

Making love.

Falling asleep in each other's arms.

Sometimes we would wake up

a couple hours later,

and it'd be like we were

the only two people in the world.

Prudence would stare into my eyes,

and she'd say...

- Damn.

- Damn.

It sort of became our song.

You are a very lucky man.

I would like to have

a"damn" moment like that someday.

How can you be the Love Guru

if you've never been in a relationship?

Well, there is someone I like.

But until I learn to love myself,

I can only go out

with three girls named Ann.

- Three girls named Ann?

- Yeah.

Ann Visible, Ann Flatable, and Ann Job.

Ann Job!

Well, you know,

I deflect because of the pain.

I gotta get my girl back, GP.

Otherwise,

what am I gonna do with this?

I have two tattoos.

One tattoo is the Drama tattoo,

which signifies

the self-determinist philosophy

of the Tugginmypudha Ashram.

And what's the other tattoo?

Daffy Duck pushing a lawn mower

through my pubes.

Look, he's dancing. Yeah. Right.

Ball-gazer! Oh, my God! There you go!

The ball-gazing student

has become the ball-gazing master.

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