The Love Guru Page #5

- Saying I love you

- Saying I love you

Is not the words

I want to hear from you

It's not that I want you not to say

But if you only knew

How easy it would be to

- Show me how you feel

- Show me how you feel

- More than words

- More than words

- Is all you have to do to make it real

- Is all you have to do to make it real

- Then you wouldn't have to say

- Then you wouldn't have to say

- That you love me

- That you love me

- 'Cause I'd already know

- 'Cause I'd already know

- More than words

- More than words

- More than words

- More than words

That was great!

Thank you, Speedy. That's great.

Mariska Hargitay. That's great.

That was lovely.

But we need to talk about Darren.

- This is a disaster. He's my only...

- Jane! Do you trust me?

I do trust you.

I'm not really sure why.

It's the beard.

It makes me look like Santa.

And by the way, you look breathtaking.

- Thank you.

- As do I.

Come.

My staff has prepared a lovely meal.

- Wow.

- Right?

I am so hungry

I could eat a skunk's bottom.

Which is a lot like calamari.

But that's not what we're having tonight.

Rajneesh will now prepare a dish

made of two lychees

wrapped in a doughy pouch.

- It's called Kartapal Birigalapatt.

- What's that mean?

Nuts in a sling.

Oh, thanks, but I'll pass.

Very well, I'll have your nuts in a sling.

Cough.

Reject this man.

Not fit for military service.

Would you like your nuts to be crushed?

Doesn't everyone? Who is this guy?

Geronimo!

That is our safe word.

Now, we get the nuts nice and hot,

so they tighten up and get firm.

That's good.

Feels good.

I mean, tastes good. I mean, what?

You want curlies on your nuts?

Do I look like a child?

Of course I want curlies on my nuts.

Don't forget your pickle.

- Would you like some soup instead?

- Yes.

Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator soup,

and make it snappy.

Because alligators are snappy,

and at the same time, I want it prompt.

Here it is. There's your soup.

Watch out! It's dangerous!

You're as cute as pie.

I haven't laughed like this

in such a long time.

Why not?

It's hard to laugh

when men only see you as some curse.

Jane, there is no curse.

You're just afraid of intimacy,

or into-me-l-see.

Remember, being vulnerable

is being woundable.

I say take the risk.

- Well, that's easy to say and hard to do.

- Is it?

What's the downside

of throwing away your fear?

The only way out is in.

I think I'm about to risk something.

- What's wrong?

- We can't do this.

What? You tell me to be vulnerable,

and then you turn around

and wound me?

- I can explain.

- Okay, go ahead.

I can't explain.

- I should go.

- No, Jane, wait! I...

Jane! Jane!

Game three here in Los Angeles.

The L.A. Kings have beaten the Leafs.

They are one game away

from a Stanley Cup victory.

They can't be happy

in the Leafs' locker room right now.

I'm sorry, I blacked out for a second.

Have they dropped the puck?

Damn it! We're down three games

because you decided

you couldn't win without Roanoke.

And you! You're just a stupid rich girl!

You were born on third,

and you think you hit a triple!

You don't know hockey!

- Are you finished?

- No!

- Now I'm finished! And, Pitka!

- Yes?

- What's the capital of Thailand?

- Bangkok.

Exactly.

Omar Sharif, my balls!

My balls, you prick!

- Stay down, b*tch!

- Okay.

Jane! Jane, wait!

He's right! I'm just a stupid rich girl

about to be a huge failure.

Failure?

There's no such thing as failure.

Only early attempts at success.

You know what? I hired you

to fix Darren Roanoke. Do your job!

Your Holiness,

I spoke with the producers at Oprah,

and if they don't see Darren and

Prudence together by the next game,

your spot will go to Deepak.

But Darren is not ready!

He must truly deal with his mother.

- And I will not take a shortcut.

- Take a shortcut!

Do you want to be

the next Deepak Chopra or not?

Babu, you cannot take a shortcut.

But I need to become

the next Deepak Chopra!

But how will you get Grande

away from Prudence?

I have one idea that just might work.

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

the incredible Miss Celine Dion!

Celine! It is my day of lucky!

What'll you have?

- A martini.

- All right, then.

Jacques Grande.

Is he "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Right Now?"

Jacques and I get along just fine.

You have,

what we call in the guru business,

"love without knowledge."

But what you had with Darren

is love with knowledge.

A real connection.

Come by my ashram tomorrow at noon.

I will show you a Darren

who is completely changed.

Do you think he's really changed?

I mean, he can't even play

in front of his own mother.

She's like kryptonite to him.

Can't play in front of his mother?

Hey! I said stay away from the girl!

Rajneesh, let's make like a baby

and head out.

- So you went to see your mother?

- Yes.

But did you stand up to her?

He doesn't have to stand up

to his mother.

- Yes, he does!

- Not now, Kato.

Now, aren't there a few more steps

in your Drama plan?

- Yes. Maturity and Action.

- Beat it, Rajneesh.

Yes. We did Maturity and Action.

"M" and "A" spells "ma," and we went

to Buffalo and we saw his ma.

Right. See?

You see, I left 'cause I was scared

that if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,

you would leave me.

But I don't care

if you win the Stanley Cup.

Can you forgive me?

Of course I can forgive you.

Stick a fork in them, they're done.

Champers wishes!

It would be great

if you could stick around for a while.

You know,

just to make sure Darren's okay.

Yes, of course. Yeah, business.

Yes, of course.

Would His Holiness staying on

qualify as an extension?

Pants! Sheket Bevakasha!

Because if that were the case,

we would refuse payment.

- Of course, I'll stay, Jane.

- Until we get the call from Oprah.

Go to your naughty mat, Dick!

Miss Bullard.

Mariska Hargitay.

Your Holiness? Mark my words,

this shortcut will haunt you.

- Congratulations.

- Well done.

Game four here in Los Angeles.

The Kings are one win away

from a Stanley Cup victory.

- Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!

- Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!

- Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!

- Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!

This is it, folks. Game four.

If Roanoke doesn't pull through,

it's all over for the Leafs.

Roanoke with the puck.

- He shoots! He scores!

- Yeah!

Wasting no time after his suspension,

he is back!

The end of game four,

and the Leafs take it two to zero.

Thanks to Roanoke,

the Leafs advance to game five.

Go Leafs.

Game five here in Los Angeles.

Can the Leafs do it again?

Roanoke just playing amazing!

Goal! And game five goes to the Leafs!

An incredible comeback!

Thanks to Roanoke,

the Leafs have got the Kings on the run.

And look at this crowd!

They are guru crazy!

Game six here in Toronto!

Beautiful pass!

Go! Go! Go!

Roanoke on a breakaway!

Five-hole trap!

Grande saves! Roanoke denied!

- Once again, I'm Trent Lueders.

- And I'm Jay Kell.

Roanoke fell for the five-hole trap.

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote