The Love Guru Page #6

For those of you who don't know

what that is, allow me to "Kellistrate."

There are four holes.

One for each corner.

The five-hole is here, between the legs.

You can try to beat him here. Or here.

Or even way down here.

Thanks, Jay.

Let's get back to the action.

Roanoke has done it! We're all tied!

The Leafs have won

three straight games!

Game seven will be in Toronto.

- Hey!

- It's down to one game.

Get me out of here, pricks!

...champion. I just got the call.

You are 100% booked on Oprah.

Great.

I got on Oprah, right?

- I'm the next Deepak Chopra, right?

- You are.

He's definitely in.

- Doesn't feel good, does it?

- Get off my tits!

Congratulations.

Darren and Prudence are back together,

we got a shot at winning the Cup,

and you got on Oprah.

I suppose all that's left is...

The check.

Yeah. Here we go.

Oh, my pretty.

Miss Bullard, it has been terrific.

Now, if any of your other players

have any professional catastrophe,

personal pain, or a drug addiction,

please do not hesitate to call.

Your Holiness,

the check and I will be in the car.

- Cheerio.

- Bye.

- I guess you got everything you wanted.

- Not everything, Jane.

Well, say there was this guru, say.

And this guru was, you know,

handsome, you know,

had a nice gleam in his eye,

a nice tuck in his butt, say.

And say this guru,

maybe not me, maybe somebody else,

had a certain vow.

What kind of vow?

Forget about it. Just Etch A Sketch

everything I was saying.

Mariska Hargitay.

Mariska Hargitay.

Well, here we go. Game seven.

It all comes down to this,

ladies and gentlemen.

Who do you like tonight, Jay?

Jay?

I like the Christmas babies, Trent!

And I like the way my skin feels

when I'm wearing my rainbow jacket!

By your command.

You're back on drugs, aren't you?

Yes, I am, a**hole-face man!

By the power of Gahar,

I command thee to vanish!

- Let's see what's happening rinkside.

- No!

Well, here comes Lucy the elephant.

I cannot be killed but with fire!

The Deluca Brothers Circus is

coming to town. Isn't that just adorable?

Well, whoever wins tonight

walks away Stanley Cup champions.

Listen up! It's down to one game,

and we've got the momentum!

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

Why you got your heads down?

We can beat these clowns.

Besides, I still have

a few trick on my sleeve.

Flight 22 to Chicago

is now boarding at Gate Five.

Our plane leaves in 20 minutes.

The people at Oprah are very excited!

That's great.

Ladies and gentlemen,

here to sing The Star-Spangled Banner,

mother of Leafs' center,

Darren Roanoke, Lillian Roanoke.

That's Darren's mother!

Quaking pudding!

Hi, baby!

What do I do?

I don't know!

Oh, say, can you see

By the dawn's early light

What so proudly we hailed

Hey!

Roanoke is freaking out...

What do I do?

What do I do? What do I do?

No, no! Nothing to see here.

Our plane is about to leave for Oprah,

and we have to go realize

every dream we've ever had.

I am not going with you, Dick.

Oh, no! No!

If you don't get on that plane,

I will take 60% of the ashram!

Fine. I don't need material things.

I was put on this earth

to spread a message of peace and love.

- Give me that ticket! Give me it!

- No! Please, no!

You will never be

the next Deepak Chopra!

What?

Box him out!

Oh, damn.

At the end of the first period,

the Kings lead the Leafs,

one to nothing.

And the question on everyone's mind is,

where's Roanoke?

Baby, are you all right?

I can't play in front of you, Ma!

It's all my fault for not putting

more pressure on you to succeed.

- Yes.

- Hello?

Jane, I'm on my way.

- I thought you said he was cured!

- I was wrong.

Tell Coach Cherkov to buy some time!

Okay.

Sir, please, please make sure

it's locked, sir. Please, over there.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Dell Computers, this is Chip.

Rajneesh, I...

Wait a second, who is Chip?

I took another job.

Rajneesh, you have to come meet me!

I must finish my job with Darren.

- you're back, babu!

- yes!

Bodhisattva!

- Boo! You suck, Bullard!

- No, you suck!

You can say bad things about me,

but I won't say bad things about myself!

So, guess what?

You can all just kiss my Canadian ass!

Cherkov, Pitka's coming. You...

Are you as turned on as I am right now?

You're a bad, bad person.

I'll take that as a yes.

Pitka's coming. Just stall.

Hey, ref! Time-out!

Leafs call their last time-out.

- Darren?

- Come on, baby.

- Jane!

- You lied to me!

Yes. I only pulled away from you

because of this.

My name is the Guru Pitka,

and I wear a chastity belt.

So, you didn't reject me.

You're just devoted to a higher purpose.

Yes, Jane.

Superstar, it's me, Guru Pitka!

Good luck. He won't even let me in.

Darren, I took a shortcut with you,

and I'm sorry.

Now, what is it you can't face?

- What did you say to me?

- What is it you can't face?

- I can't face my ma.

- Then that's what you have to face.

- Will you help me?

- I can't.

You're on your own

when it comes to your mother.

Darren, the only way out is in.

Yes, yes, yes, it's good.

It's good, it's good,

it's good, it's good, it's good.

What the hell happened to you?

Ma! I'm a grown man,

and I can take it from here.

I love you.

I love you, baby boy.

Now, how long will it take you

to get dressed and get down to the ice?

- Five minutes.

- Well, you better hurry up,

'cause there's only six minutes

left in the game!

Go, baby boy! Go, go, go, go, go!

I think I made a happy wee-wee. Yeah.

Come on. Let's go quickly!

Come on. Come, come. Hello?

Action picks up here in game seven

with only 31 seconds left to go.

- Coach, I'm ready.

- Get in there!

Darren Roanoke is in the game!

Hey, Rob Blake. The first thing

they teach you about hockey

is never ever watch the puck.

Roanoke's going for the Ice Slam!

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

We're all tied up, folks,

with only eight seconds left!

- Seven, six, five, four...

- Seven, six, five, four...

This is it, folks.

Roanoke on the breakaway,

just him and Grande!

With one second left! It's a penalty shot.

Roanoke could win

the Stanley Cup here.

Hey!

Listen, Darren, I know we are rivals,

but fate chose these sides, not us.

So, before you take this shot,

I just need to say

damn!

Show it to me.

Damn!

I don't know what Grande just said

to Roanoke, but he is now out to lunch.

Superstar! What did he say to you?

He said, "Damn!"

"Damn!" Quaking pudding.

That's not good.

- Cherkov, call a time-out.

- We're out of time-outs.

Just buy us some time.

He needs a distraction. Jane, follow me!

He's gotta take the shot, now!

I promised myself I'd never do this.

Hey, ref! I'm having a heart attack.

Out of the way! Coach! Coach!

Get the crash kit!

- Sir, may I borrow your elephant, Lucy?

- Sure.

Bodhisattva!

Come, come! Come on, boy!

Elephant coming through!

Come on, Bodhi!

Let's go quickly! Come on, Bodhi!

Clear!

Yes!

Yes!

Get busy, Bodhi.

Eight seconds!

What do you make of this?

I think they're doing it, Trent.

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