The Love Letter Page #3

at 34th and Vine (music)

(music) He broke my little bottle

of love potion number nine (music)

[Helen's Voice] Dearest, do you know

how much in love with you I am?

Not a muscle has moved.

I have fallen in love

without taking a step.

You are all wrong for me

and I know it,

but I can no longer care for my thoughts

unless they're thoughts of you.

When I'm close to you, I feel your hair

brush my cheek when it does not.

When I tie my shoes,

when I peel an orange,

when I drive my car...

Did you find it okay?

[Sighs]

You want some?

- Good night.

- [Door Closes]

[Johnny]

Hey, McNeely,

what are you doin'?

I'm jogging.

Since when

did you start jogging?

Today.

So, did you just have dinner

at Helen's house?

Maybe.

Well, you know, I had dinner at her

house way before you were even hired.

Wanna go shoot some hoops,

tough guy?

- Sure.

- You're not too tired?

- No.

- Okay, I'll see you there.

No, give me a ride.

- Give me a ride! Give me a ride!

- Huh?

You know that Helen's celibate?

[Panting]

- Has been for years.

- I don't believe that.

- Not physically. Emotionally.

- What's that supposed to mean?

You are so clueless.

I'm thinking about making

the same choice myself.

Well, how can you be celibate

if you're still a virgin?

Shut up!

[Laughs]

Ow! You know what I think?

I think Helen's weird.

[McNeely Laughing]

[Janet] Merchandising.

That's what we need.

New Age stuff, you know?

Deepak Chopra.

You could... You know, like,

crystals, tarot cards.

We could get a palm reader

in here. Those people...

I mean, they don't have to be licensed

or anything. Anybody could do it.

My aunt, actually,

could do it. She's blind.

[Helen]

She sends a letter every day.

- [Janet] She who?

- Miss Scattergoods.

Have you ever had

an epistolary relationship?

Sounds kind of kinky, Helen.

I'm not into kinky.

No, no, no.

It's not kinky.

It means, letters, of letters,

carried on by letters."

Like love letters.

Can't f*** a letter, Helen.

(music) [Band]

[Whistle Blowing]

Hey, hey!

- Come back here!

- Oh!

[Dan]

Hey! [Yells]

Johnny, uh,

meet my roommate Kelly.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Okay. Bye.

Yeah, he's, he's a babe.

Yeah, but in a totally understated,

non-obvious-babe-like way.

- Right?

- [Ray Over P.A.]

I see a new Loblolly-By-The-Sea.

A Loblolly-By-The-Sea that can compete

in the global marketplace.

I'm Ray Bean Junior,

and a vote for me

is a vote for you.

Young lady, bring that sparkler

over here, would you?

- Thank you, dear.

- You're welcome, Miss Scattergoods.

This is the best spot.

You can see everything

from here.

[Chattering, Laughing]

- You know who the best-looking

guy in class was?

- Who?

In our whole class?

Who? Tommy Bailey!

- Oh, Tommy Bailey was gorgeous.

- Yeah, he was gor...

Granted. He was much

better-Looking than you.

- Thank you.

- [Crowd Reacting]

Oh, my God.

[Fireworks Whistling,

Crackling]

Wow.

[Cheering, Applause]

[Cheering,

Applause Continue]

The air is still,

isn't it?

It's humid.

Leaves hang unruffled

by any breeze.

Not a muscle has moved.

When I tie my shoes,

when I peel an orange,

when I drive my car.

[Thunder Rumbling]

Hey, you know what?

We just ran into George,

and he said the best thing to do

on a hot day is to drink something hot.

- Mm-hmm. It cools the body off.

- He knows weird little things

like that all the time.

- You're both late.

- We are late.

You're right. We're late. This is one

of the mornings you're actually right.

We're late. We're about...

Excuse me, I don't have a watch.

Four and a half minutes late.

Can you believe that?

Wow, sorry. We tried to

just make it four minutes late,

but then we stopped

and said hello to someone.

Where's Johnny?

[Bell Jingles]

Hi, Jen.

Hi.

- Nice bod!

- [Chuckles] What?

Well, I mean,

I hate to objectify you,

but, historically,

it is my turn,

and... good pecs,

nice abs.

How's it feel

to be an object, babe?

- Um... weird.

- Oh, well!

Put your shirt back on!

We're trying to sell books here.

- It is hot in here.

- I know, I know it's hot.

I know, I mean, I can feel the hot.

It's hot outside.

So it's hot in here, and I would

be able to feel that it's hot

in here because I've got skin.

So, I want you

to put your shirt on.

I want you to put your shirt on now.

I'd like for you to put your shirt on.

[Sighs]

Okay.

Because you smell.

[Laughs] Wow, Helen,

you just acted like such a b*tch.

- [Door Closes]

- [Janet]

I think you owe him an apology.

[Fly Buzzing]

- [Sighs]

- I, I meant in a good way.

L...

[Mocking] Put your shirt on."

It's a hundred degrees!

Put your shirt on!

Johnny?

Johnny?

Ow!

Johnny, I, I need

to talk to you.

Janet wants me to talk to you

because you seemed like...

Well, she felt like you were upset,

and, well, you can't quit...

because we really need

someone tall at the bookstore.

And you're tall.

Are you even here?

Johnny?

Johnny?

I know I was pretty rude,

so I could make it up to you.

Maybe I can help you organize your,

your desk, your table down there.

You had a lot of papers

and a lot of work.

It seemed like you could

try to do the kitchen too.

'Cause all the food laying

on the table...

Johnny?

I know you're here...

somewhere.

Look, I came to apologize.

Johnny?

What I said was awful.

[Sighs] I came to work... Maybe

it was the heat, I don't know.

I came upstairs, and you were working

without your shirt on.

It was...

I mean, l...

It was so hot, and l...

You don't smell.

I made that up.

L-I'm sorry.

I'm not really a mean person.

I'm not mean at all.

L-I don't think of myself

as a mean person.

I'm not a mean person.

Really, I'm not.

L...

It's just that...

when I came upstairs...

and... you were working and you didn't

have your shirt on, I, I, l...

Maybe it was the heat or something,

and I got confused.

So I could have been nice

and said,

Please put on your shirt,"

but I didn't say that.

[Heavy Breathing]

- How much is a surgery like that?

- Hey, Jan.

- Hey, George. How are you?

- Bees come back?

Uh, no, they did not, thank goodness.

Whatever you did scared 'em away.

Now, listen. I got

your new smoke detectors here.

- Batteries included.

- Perfect. Yeah. Oh!

Goodness sakes alive.

That is going to hurt somebody someday.

- I gotta get that fixed.

- I'll help you.

- Really, will you? Thank you.

- Anything for you, Janet.

Oh, you are so sweet.

How come you're so good to me?

- Now listen.

- Yeah.

- Don't forget to read your manuals.

- I won't.

- See ya!

- Bye.

- [Bell Jingles]

- [Door Closes]

[Janet's Voice] Dearest, do you know

how much in love with you I am?

Did I trip? Did I stumble?

Lose my balance?

Graze my knee?

Graze my heart?

I'm on fire.

Not a muscle has moved.

Air is still. I have fallen in love

without taking a step.

You are all wrong for me

and I know it,

but I can no longer care

for my thoughts...

unless they're

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