The Love Punch Page #2

...the arts and culture.

I love travel and adventure

and generally being...

...spon-tan-eous.

Whoosh!

Oh, God!

'Finally, after heavy bidding,

a diamond has been sold today at Sotheby's

'for a record 10.8 million.'

Blimey!

'Known in the trade as the Eye of the Rainbow

because of its distinctive colouring in the light

"it was bought at auction in New York.

Today's buyer wishes to remain anonymous.

'However, Sotheby's says the buyer plans...

'...for the stone

to be the centrepiece of a necklace...

Or to be sold for starving children.

'...for one lucky lady likely

to be extremely happy

'with her gift this evening.

"Coming up on Sky News at seven...'

Oh, bloody hell!

OK.

Ken, I'm coming for you.

Oh, twice in one week.

What have I done to deserve this?

- Kate, we need to talk.

- Not now, Richard. I'm busy.

- Please, I just need to...

- Hello!

- Hello, Ken.

- Look, no flowers!

Well done!

- Oh, it's you again.

- Ken. Again, hi.

Kate, I need to speak to you.

- I'll see you...

- Yes...

OK, great.

Looking forward.

- Have you been drinking?

- No... Yes.

- Look, what difference does it make?

- A lot of difference.

You're prone to exaggeration

and wild statements of intent.

Look, there are big problems at the office.

Please, tell it to Anastasia or Michaela

or whoever the latest is...

Culco has gone into receivership.

The new owners have stripped us

of any value and run us into the ground.

The shares are worthless.

My pension, your pension,

was all tied up in those shares.

The mortgage payments on my place,

this place, the kids' university fees,

everything we'd saved up for

them afterwards, it's all gone.

Kate, I virtually had

the whole company on board.

Marcus, Janice,

I even got Doreen involved.

Come on.

What do we know

about these guys?

Lavco. They came in hard and fast

out of nowhere.

The holding company

traded by the name of Lexon.

We were persuaded

to integrate our pension fund into theirs.

Turns out Lexon was hollow, toxic.

So when they turned to dust,

so did our pension.

There's always someone bigger

behind these things,

someone who manages

to wipe their hands clean and move on.

- Still allergic to cat hair?

- Worse than ever.

Go on, Rumpy, sit on him.

- I see you got your PhD.

- Yeah.

- So, how's life as a lecturer?

- Under-paid.

- What are the students like?

- Under-motivated.

Could you just stop fidgeting

and sit down?

I'm on the site but I can't get

any real info. I'm being blocked.

We need a password.

- We need...

- Matt.

We need Matt.

'Mum, you do know hacking is illegal.'

'I know, Matt and I would never want you

to do anything illegal.

'But I wondered if you could just...

accidentally stumble into it.'

Accidentally stumble into it?

- 'Son, do as your mother asks.'

- Dad?

- What are you doing there?

- 'It's a long story, Matty boy.

'But right now it's payback time

on that misspent youth I funded.'

- 'We funded.'

- OK, hold on.

I'll have to use my other computer.

Wait here.

- Is that his roommate, Tyler?

- I think it is.

' Oh, Tyler!

- "Close the door.'

- 'Come on, son. Close it now.'

Mr and Mrs J?

'Yes, we're here on Skype.'

'OK, I've emailed you the password.

That will get you in.'

- 'Good man!'

- 'Well done, Matt.'

Oh, and guys...

it's really good to see you together again.

- Oh!

- Hey!

- We're in.

- Good.

I've always wanted to say that.

There we go. Lexon.

Owned by one Vincent Mathias Kruger,

international hedge fund manager,

born in Budapest,

currently resides in Paris, horribly young,

keen sportsman, patron of the arts.

Oh! Mentor to the young.

Could he look any more like a money

grabbing, cheating, immoral little sh*t?

But you're not gonna get away with

it, my friend, not on my watch.

- He can't hear you.

- I know he can't hear me.

But he's certainly gonna feel my wrath.

- OK, Guevara, what's your plan?

- I'm gonna go to Paris.

I'm gonna go to Paris

with what little money I have left

and bang on that man's door so loudly

he's gonna pay for me to go away.

I'm gonna get back

what's rightfully mine.

- Ours.

- Ours.

I didn't work for 25 years in that

God-forsaken job to have some little...

Prick?

...prick like him stroll in

and spirit away my, our, retirement.

I'm gonna do it for all the little people

who've done nothing but play by the rules.

For Marcus and Janice,

for Doreen, for you.

No, do not do it for me.

For the kids.

- How's your French?

- Rusty. Why?

Non.

Non, non, non, non, non, non.

Absolutely not. No way!

You missed it again!

I said the second exit.

I couldn't get across.

What do you mean,

you couldn't get across? Just indicate!

I am indicating, darling, but

they're not paying any bloody attention.

How can your driving

not have improved?

You've had years to practise.

Be assertive, man!

Be assertive? Right.

- This is very unlike her.

- She might have got a better offer.

- A better offer than Ken?

- Our dog's a better offer than Ken.

- Let's just get something straight, shall we?

- Yes, let's.

- We go, we sort this mess out.

- Uh-huh.

And then we go on

with the rest of our lives, separately.

Sounds good to me.

Come on then, Trotsky.

Let's get this over with.

Merci.

- Hmm... no dice.

- No.

Do you remember that time

at Soph's PTA meeting

when we couldn't

get in to see the headmaster?

- And you...?

- Yeah.

- Worth a try.

- Yeah.

Oh, sweetheart... Oh, damn!

Oh, dear, dear.

A glass of water, please.

- Which floor?

- Top oor.

- Not bad, Miss Jones. Not bad.

- You never lose skills like that.

- Can you still do that thing with your...

- No, Richard.

- Mr Kruger's office?

- Oui.

- Trs bon.

- Quoi?

Mr Kruger, I'm sorry...

It's OK. Can I help you?

You bought the company

I work for last week.

- Pardon?

- And ran it into the ground.

I Don't understand, sir.

Vous tes un money grabbing pig!

- Your company...

- Votre... votre company.

- ...bought my company...

- Hang on... achet ma... company.

And ran it into the ground.

Et le...

Steady, Kate.

- Steady, Kate. Steady.

- Sorry.

I run a lot of companies into the ground.

Which one?

- Culco.

- Culco, er...

See, that was last week. I very much

live in the now, the maintenant.

Well, maybe this is maintenant enough for you.

You stole all our money and we want it back.

- And you are?

- This is my wife.

- Ex-wife.

- Ex-wife.

- Ex-wife?

- Yeah, we've established that now.

- So you're not denying it.

- No, I don't think so.

Listen, you,

there are people whose lives

depend on the pension

they were gonna receive.

You can't just throw them away like that.

It's just not fair.

OK, OK, you got me.

What I did was wrong,

reprehensible, evil even.

In a normal world, illegal. But that's

the beauty of it: it's completely legal.

Now, listen to me, you little sack of sh*t.

You are messing with people's lives.

Proper, good, hardworking people

who have done absolutely nothing

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