The Love Punch Page #3

but play by the bloody rules

laid out in front of them.

Oh, she definitely wears the trousers, no?

I'm not even gonna rise to that.

Of course she does.

- We're the older generation. We're enlightened.

- We're divorced.

And we're done.

Put me down. Put me down!

I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

Put me down. Put my wife down!

Put my wife down!

- There you go.

- Ex-wife.

Ex-wife.

- Could have had 'em.

- Sh*t!

We are totally taking him down.

Totally!

Now what, huh?

Whoo!

Close your mouth.

Who do you think she belongs to?

If I were a betting man, I'd say...

Here you go.

Bingo!

- Quick, let's follow.

- Good idea.

- Let me drive. I'm the better driver.

- No way, Jos. You forgot your license.

- Come on, Richard. I'm a much better driver.

- You forgot your license.

You're not a better driver.

You just think you are.

You'll regret it.

- Remember Hammersmith bridge?

- That's unfair.

You forgot to put oil in the tank.

You forgot to put oil in it.

- Go fast. Go fast.

- I'm not gonna go fast.

Quickly, they're getting away.

- You've gotta keep up, Richard.

- It's called tailing, Kate.

If we get too close,

they'll know they're being followed.

Well, that was

the world's shortest car chase.

What? It's a red light!

You want me to start running reds now?

No, God forbid, Richard.

Well, that was intense.

Thank you. Could have killed a nun.

Many nuns, possibly.

A whole load of dead nuns.

- Oh, that's them, Richard!

- What?

I've just seen them, Richard!

Please, let me drive.

- Please! Please, let me drive.

- Fine.

OK, OK. It's been a while.

What did you have for lunch?

What?

Buckle up.

Which way are we going?

Kate, we're going backwards.

- Yep.

- Backwards, Kate!

Putting my seat belt on.

Putting my seat belt on right now.

Kate, no, no, no, no!

Kate! Kate! Kate! Kate!

- Argh!

- Hold tight.

I'm holding tight!

We can't even afford the basic insurance.

Oh, f*** the insurance.

Whoo-hoo!

Ha! We did it!

There they are.

- All right, now stick it on.

- What?

Track 3, "All Right Now".

It helps me drive.

Where did you learn

to drive like this?

- School run.

- What? With the children in the car?

Sorry. Sorry.

Mother and child.

Mother and child!

We're gonna run into the baby!

- For God's sake, get over.

- Sorry, sorry, sorry!

- Don't panic.

- I'm not panicking.

- Yes, you're panicking. I can feel it.

- I'm not. I'm not panicking.

God, I love Free!

Oh, f***! That was really tight.

That was tight.

- Here we go.

- Stay on their tail.

- We're nearly there.

- Yeah.

Grit?

OK, we're being shot at.

Stop, stop, stop.

Leave the car.

Really? Just leave it?

Just leave it here?

- OK. Just walk away. Act natural.

- We can't just leave it here!

- Yeah? OK, all right.

- No, no, no, no, no!

No, you're right.

When you're right, you're right.

Get back in.

- Jesus Christ, Are you mad?

- Sorry, I just panicked there.

I understand but we've just got

to... Let's have a cup of tea.

No, it's all right.

Stop talking about tea. We're in France.

- You kept your bag.

- Yeah. So did you.

- Yeah, they've lasted quite well, actually.

- Better than us.

Yeah, well, they came with a guarantee.

- Bonsoir.

- Bonsoir.

- We'd like two rooms.

- Passports, please.

Here.

- There you go.

- Thank you.

Mrs Jones.

- Well, Ms.

- And Mr Jones.

- Yes.

- And you want two rooms?

- Yes.

- Yes.

You are brother and sister?

- No.

- No.

A suite, perhaps?

- No.

- Next to each other?

Not necessary, really.

We're divorced. I kept his name.

- Ah, but you kept his name.

- Yes.

Yeah, you did, didn't you?

Yes, because it's been mine for some time.

And my kids have it. It's no biggy.

And you are holidaying together

to see if perhaps the ame still burns?

- Yeah, why not? I mean...

- No, so not. The flame is out.

- Oh, no.

- Snuffed, gone.

We are in Paris. You never know...

We do know.

Ah, I'm afraid the only two rooms

I have left are adjoining.

- What about those?

- Oh, no, they are all taken.

We are very, very busy.

- Really?

- We'll take them. Thank you. Bonsoir.

Bonsoir.

Bloody hell. What floor?

- Haven't a clue.

- Christ!

You don't fancy rubbing some Deep Heat

into my coccyx, do you?

- No.

- Just a thought.

Ooh!

You'll never guess

where I find myself.

Pourquoi pas?

There's two bowls down for Rumpus

and the kitchen light is on.

Sophie, darling!

Hey, got your leg over yet?

Hello. Sophie, darling?

You haven't heard from you mother,

have you?

No, it's nothing to worry about. It's just

we were supposed to see her yesterday.

"Of all the gin joints, in all the towns,

in all the world, she walks into mine."

What are the chances, eh?

Steak-frites.

That's what you'll have.

Nope. Turned veggie two years ago.

But you love meat.

People change, Richard.

But you're gonna have the cheese souffle.

- Nope.

- But you love cheese.

- Cholesterol levels change, Kate.

- How's your prostate?

Fully functioning, thank you.

How are your bunions?

Oh, how sweet of you to remember.

Actually, they're awful.

High heels are no longer an option. See?

Here's to our aging, ailing bodies.

- May I?

- Yes, go on.

Ooh, ooh!

Hey! Hey, sweetie!

How's it going?

Oh, I'm so glad.

And you like the people in your halls?

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

All right, yes, you've got to go.

Of course you've got to go.

Call me... call me later.

Yes, I love you... Bye... bye.

- Rich, what could I say to her?

- It's all right. It's fine.

Oh!

He)', honey, how's it going?

Yeah? For every party write an essay.

All right, for every three

parties write an essay.

No. No, no, no.

I'm so proud of you, sweetheart.

Is that what Mum said?

Ah, well, great minds and all that.

Listen, do me a favour, next time

you speak to your Mum, tell her...

Tell her I miss her.

OK.

I love you.

Bye, darling.

- What's got into you?

- I don't know.

Paris, retirement,

spending time with you,

having our money stolen.

That'll do it.

This is nice, right?

Yeah.

Michaela, er...

Just a sec... just one second.

Listen, Michaela, I can't talk right now.

Please understand.

It's OK, I'm just tired.

I'm gonna eat in my room.

Sh*t.

Guess who's getting married?

Ah! "Vincent Kruger

and fiance Manon Fontaine.

"Spotted off the coast of Cannes

as they prepare for their big day.

"The upcoming nuptials

are rumoured to be taking place...

...at the Krugers' 19th-century chateau

"located within the exclusive enclave

of Cap d'Antibes."

We've got to get ourselves

invited to that wedding.

Why? We hate weddings.

It's the only thing we agree on.

Look at her neck.

- Pretty.

- Mm-hmm. What's round it?

- Nice.

- Mmm, nice in the region of 10 million.

Oh, very nice.

I'm pretty sure... in fact, I'm positive

that's the Eye of the Rainbow.

- I thought I recognised it on her yesterday.

- Ah, the Eye of the Rainbow.

Yes, that sold at Sotheby's recently,

fetching a record price for a single stone.

When did you become

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