The Love Punch Page #4

such a diamond aficionado?

Since the kids left home.

Daytime TV.

It's a mine of useless information.

- And, in this case, life-changing information.

- Indeed.

I bet she's gonna be wearing that rock

at the wedding.

That rock is our pension.

That rock is Doreen's pension.

We should nick it.

What?

It's just taking back

what he's taken from us and all the others.

You want to steal a diamond?

Richard, he's not gonna

give us our money back.

Well, that doesn't mean

we suddenly become the Pink Panther.

Why not?

Richard, we are screwed.

We have nothing, literally nothing.

Nothing to give the kids.

It's time to take back what's ours.

I'm sick of these fat, greedy, f***er billionaires

taking all our money, just ruining this country.

Well, not this country, actually, because

France has got great social services

and, my word, do they run a good protest.

It's a stupid idea, Kate.

- Crazy, daft...

- All right, all right.

...stupid but brilliant.

- Brilliant idea.

- Yeah?

Why the hell not?

If not now, when? What have we got to lose?

- Apart from our dignity and our freedom.

- Exactly.

- Either way, it's worth investigating.

- Definitely. Let's investigate.

Well, it looks like we're heading

to the south of France.

Ah, together!

What a good idea.

Delightful.

Isn't she beautiful?

- She is.

- Shut up.

Yes, yes.

Yes, I understand.

What do you mean, they won't take it?

Cut it up?

Well, that's end of the credit cards.

Gone, kaput.

- Who are you texting? You're like a teenager.

- No one.

- She's gorgeous.

- Not my type.

Oh, right, yeah. Legs up to the ceiling

and arse as tight as a plum.

Of course she isn't.

Once maybe, but not anymore.

I like things a bit more... homely.

If that was an attempt to atter me,

you can piss right off.

Look, the legs aren't nearly

as good in real life.

They've clearly been airbrushed.

- Steady. Handbrake off.

- I've got it.

It's off.

You've got it now. OK.

Where's she going?

Just try and look like a tourist.

- Check it out?

- Yeah.

Blimey!

You should go in there.

- Go and check the place out.

- I can't go in there.

Go on, go on.

Julie.

Laura.

And who are you?

Oh, moi?

Er... me, I'm Miriam from... Weymouth.

I'm your cousin...

well, second cousin,

twice removed,

on your husband's side, future husband.

All right. You're with them.

Oh! Brilliant!

Ow!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

Ah, it's going to be

the best wedding ever.

Ah, the champion!

Could I have a Martini, please?

A really big one. Thank you.

No, I don't know.

I think I'm making a terrible mistake.

- No!

- You're not, sweetie.

He's only using our wedding

as a business meeting.

He's got two Texans and their wives coming.

We've never met them before

and he wants me to make sure they are OK.

Well, that's not right.

And he's putting them up at The Carlton.

Lovely! The Carlton!

Hey, what do you think?

You're old.

You must have been married once.

Er... yes. Merci.

Old, old me.

Er... what do I think?

Er...

I think that liking them is much more

important than loving them, actually.

Love is easy to fall into.

Liking is much harder.

Think of your wedding as a driving test.

You take it, you pass, and then you

really start to learn how to drive.

Or you crash.

What about that diamond he bought you?

You like that.

- Yeah!

- Are you going to wear it at the wedding?

Not for the ceremony.

I'll change halfway

through the party and put it on then.

Hey, come on, girls, let's para!

I like you. You're honest.

I don't have girlfriends like that.

Good.

So come on, come with me.

This is so much fun!

I'm gonna kill you, Richard!

So shoot me. I nodded off.

It happens at my age.

And you were snoring.

Another unfortunate effect of age.

Look, can we just stop niggling

and tell me what you found out?

I found out that I chafe very easily.

- Oh, my poor girl. I'm so sorry.

- Get off.

And the wedding's obviously invite only.

But she is definitely

gonna be wearing the diamond.

She's gonna change

halfway through the evening.

That sounds good.

Anything else?

Not really, just that she's

pissed off with the evil one

for inviting a couple of Texan businessmen

they've never met before.

Of course she's pissed off.

She'll end up looking after their wives.

And she's right, it's bang out of order.

She didn't happen to mention

where they might be staying?

'So what are we stumbling into today?'

The Carlton Hotel, Cannes.

Their guest list.

We're looking for four guests

with home addresses in Texas.

"Dad, that is so illegal.'

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, son.

I wouldn't ask unless it was really...

'Dad, I'm only kidding.

We do that sort of sh*t all the time,

'messing with people's reservations,

putting people in the same room.'

- Not good, Matt.

- No, no.

"Hold on.'

- Do you think his eyes looked a bit red-rimmed?

- Just a little.

- Oh, he's not, is he?

- Yep.

- Tyler!

- Tyler! Oi!

Tyler! Tyler! Hello!

- 'Hello.'

- 'Hello.'

You've got to be kidding me!

You guys, again.

Nice to see you, Tyler.

'OK, we've got one Mr and Mrs Hicks

of Houston, Texas.

"They're assigned to the Monet suite.

"And one Mr and Mrs Baxter.

They're across the hall in the Manet suite.

'Anyway, guys, I've got to go.

But the south of France?

'I am loving my new glam parents.

'See you later.'

- OK, so let me just get this straight.

- Hmm.

We are going to kidnap four Texans,

pretend to be them,

go to a wedding in a chateau,

somehow swap out the necklace,

and make our escape?

I know, it sounds absurd.

- Absurd, yes. Crazy, daft, stupid.

- All right, all right.

But brilliant.

- Yeah?

- One small problem.

There are four Texans

and we are but two.

Ah.

- This is it.

- That's not ours.

- It is ours.

- It's not ours.

- Look, it is.

- Oh, sh*t, it is.

- Mind your back.

- It's all right, I've got it. Ow!

- There, there, there!

- Hey-hey-hey-hey!

- Hello, old son!

- Welcome, welcome.

- Good to see you, mate!

- Good to see you.

I cannot tell you how happy we are

to see you back together.

- Well, Pen...

- Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

And I don't mind telling you,

it's been an absolute nightmare for us,

having to choose between you.

Damn shame,

the whole bloody business.

Anyway, thrilled to be here, glad to help.

What are we doing?

Well...

- Kidnap? Stealing a diamond?

- Gatecrashing a wedding?

- Can we have... a moment?

- It's a lot to take in.

Talk about it. Go ahead.

I've got your bag.

What do you think?

- He's in. She's not.

- Probably.

Well... all right, we're in.

- Spot of lunch first?

- Yes!

Right. Everyone clear on the plan?

I tell you, I haven't been this pumped

since Shanghai.

Shanghai?

Yeah, you know,

when I was in the Merchant Navy?

- Merchant Navy?

- Woman in every port, eh, Jerry?

That sort of thing, yeah.

It's only a bit of boys' banter, Pen.

Pen, are you sure

these are gonna work?

Yes, three of those

and they'll be out like a baby.

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