The Love Punch Page #5

- Five minutes tops.

- I can vouch for that.

- Who prescribes them for you?

- That lovely young Dr Jenkins.

Oh, yes. I've heard he's lovely.

Yes, terribly helpful.

And the warmest hands.

Excuse me?

How will we know who they are?

Well, I think we'll know.

Let's do this.

- Sorry, I'm dying for a pee.

- Of course.

Actually, I might go as well.

You know what?

I need one too, actually.

Well, it's never good to ignore it.

Bienvenus.

- That was incredible!

- We were incredible!

Oh, God, I hope we didn't

tie their hands too tightly.

Oh, do you think?

That was insane. I haven't had

this much fun since I was in Guam.

Guam?

I was stationed there

during my military service.

Oh, God!

Jerry! That's stealing!

Pen, Pen, Pen.

This is real. This is happening.

We either step up or we get crushed.

- Silly man. Stop showing off.

- Right.

Let's pick up the replica necklace,

back to the hotel, cocktails and supper.

Yee-ha!

Ride 'em, cowboy.

Jerry, how on earth did you know

where to find someone

who could make a replica necklace?

Well, you know...

I have my contacts.

Contacts? No, Jerry we don't.

Well, if you must know, I once

had a brief, er... affair of the heart

with a young jewellery designer.

Affair of the heart

with a young jewellery designer!

Calm down, Pen.

It's all right.

Yeah, don't worry, Pen.

It's all in the past, all forgotten.

This is the basic layout of the chteau.

Do you know

where all the guards might be?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely, yes.

- No Jerry?

- No.

Rushed off while I was having a bath.

Said he had to meet a man about something.

Very odd, the whole thing.

Anyway, don't let him spoil this.

This is lovely, seeing the two of you

being back together.

Sorry, everyone. Got held up.

Quick little mission.

I was just saying this is lovely and it's

lovely to see our friends back together.

- Pen, can we get back to the plan?

- Absolument. Pardon.

Now, this is where

the guests will be making their entrance.

And we will be required

to show our invitations here.

Now, you are going to be the Baxters

and we will be the Hicks.

- And actually, Matt... Cheers.

- Cheers, everyone.

Matt has done some research

into each couple.

- Hey! Your Matt?

- Our Matt.

- Such a bright boy.

- Thank you.

Not like our Tim, is he?

- That's disloyal, Jerry.

- Well, I was just being honest.

He's an academic disaster zone, isn't he?

Police tape all around him.

Jerry!

Now, we know that the bride will retire to

her bedroom at some point during the night

to change her frock and the new frock

will be accompanied by the diamond.

Now, hopefully, Richard and I

will have gained access through here.

We'll attempt to swap out the diamond,

delivering the real one into your arms, Jerry.

Now, you two will leave the party early

and if anything happens to us,

if we get caught,

we're just a disgruntled employee

and his pushy ex-wife

who've had their pensions stolen

and won't go away.

They'll find nothing on us

and they'll let us go.

- Right.

- Or they'll kill us.

Chop us up

and throw us in the Med.

- Oh, God.

- Richard!

It's out there. It's a possibility.

Jerry, why do you keep winking at Richard

and patting your pocket?

What? What are you talking about?

Nothing. I'm not doing anything.

I know when you're lying.

Get off me, woman. Whey-hey!

What are you doing, woman?

- Hey! Ho-ho!

- God, he's got a gun!

What?

Don't advertise it

to the whole flipping restaurant!

Why have you got a gun

and why have you brought it to dinner?

' Are you crazy?

- Crazy? Me?

- Kate, Richard, talk to him.

- Jerry, actually, why have you got a gun?

It's a replica. Calm down. We just

thought it was a good idea, that's all.

It's a real one, actually.

They didn't have any replicas left.

- Bloody hell.

- We? So you're behind this brilliant plan?

Richard, have you led Jerry astray?

- What? No! It was his idea.

- Led me astray? I'm not a flipping child.

They were my contacts.

Jerry, where did you get this?

I demand to know!

Well, it's someone I knew a long time ago.

I was passing through France

on my way to Guam.

How come I don't know anything about this?

I've been married to you for 35 years, Jerry.

- You've completely spoiled the whole evening.

- All right, love.

- Have some more wine.

- Just have a bit more wine.

Let's at least see it, then.

- Yeah, let's have a look.

- See what?

- The gun, Jerry.

- What? You want to see it?

- I do, actually.

- Let's have a look. Come on.

- Come on, then.

- All right.

- All right.

- Nobody's watching.

Hey-hey! Have a look at that.

All right, all right. One at a time!

Whoops, sorry.

Oh!

Freeze, you melon farmers.

- Steady, Pen.

- Oh, sorry.

Put it down.

Jesus Christ!

All right, er...

- Out the door. Shall we?

- Yeah. Drink up.

The bill, please.

Well, that was something, wasn't it?

- Do you'll think we'll get arrested?

- No.

Oi, chaps, chaps.

Good news.

I've just been talking to the owner.

Turns out we were in the Legion together.

He says if we, er... pay for the wine,

everything's OK.

- Fantastic.

- Oh, fabulous.

- I feel a bit giddy, Jerry.

- Oh, I say! You all right there, Pen?

- Bedtime for us all.

- Right-o.

- Good night, then.

- Good night.

- What are you doing?

- Well... they seem so happy.

You know, with the idea of us.

I don't want to spoil it

for them, that's all.

Just... oh... just...

Just...

Oh... Oh!

Oh, that feels good.

Do you think we're doing the right thing?

You know, diamond stealing and kidnapping.

Without a shadow of a doubt.

Sit down for a minute.

I said sit.

Lying down is fine too.

Pen and I had a gin, doubles.

I just can't take it. I can't take

my booze anymore. That's the thing.

Well... it just whips my arse.

You're much more likeable

these days, you know?

That's nice. Thanks.

So are you.

We were much too young when we met.

We should have met now instead.

I don't think it works like that.

Why not?

Why did the latest one leave you?

She didn't, actually.

I left her.

Hmm.

- How's your back?

- Terrible.

How's your bunions?

Oh, excruciating.

Sweet dreams.

Night-night.

Oh.

- Oh, God! We didn't, did we?

- No.

Oh! Thank God.

You don't have to sound

so relieved about it.

Oh.

I haven't had sex for two years.

I'd like to have remembered it.

Jerry, try this.

Please, cos it's so juicy. Go on.

See what I mean?

Gorgeous.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Here he is.

- Hello.

- The stallion.

Didn't get much sleep last night,

old son, did you?

- Oh, Jerry.

- Oh, the old bed did shake, eh?

- Only my snoring, Jerry. That's all it was.

- Right you are.

Looks like we've got a bit of a problem.

Matt did some digging around last night.

Apparently there are going to be

fingerprint sensors

at the entrance to the party.

Everyone's going to be scanned

before they're allowed in.

- It's worse than Fort Knox.

- Mm-hmm.

We could shave off their fingertips

and stick them onto ours.

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