The Love Punch Page #6

The Texans, I mean.

I saw it in a film once.

- Pen...

- Oh, sorry.

- I do get carried away.

- Good to think outside the box.

We should go with something

a bit more mainstream, though.

- Can everyone swim?

- Yes.

- How about climbing?

- Have you ever climbed, Jerry?

- He has not.

- Yeah, I have.

- I have.

- Jerry! When?

- When?

- I was in the Australian Parachute Regiment.

7:
28.

- 7:
32.

- 7:
32.

6:
30.

- Jerry, you're still on English time.

- Oh, yeah, of course.

OK, let's do this.

Jerry! Jerry!

You're going the wrong way.

Right you are.

- Pen!

- Jerry!

- Ow!

- Ow!

What on earth are you doing?

- Jerry!

- It's OK.

- All right?

- Yeah.

Oh... Oh, Jesus.

You're scared of heights.

How could I forget? Are you all right?

I'm fine, thank you.

- Pen, you're squashing my head!

- Ssh, ssh!

I'm sorry, darling.

- Ssh, ssh, ssh!

- I've got you. I'm here.

Well done, Jerry.

Right.

- Have you got the gun?

- No, sorry, Richard.

I put my foot down.

I just decided it was too dangerous.

- Quite right.

- I simply don't trust myself around it.

But I made sandwiches, egg mayo.

Anyone hungry?

- Oh, great, I'm starving.

- Pen, I think we should get on.

Yeah, come on, this way.

Stay close to me, Jerry.

You look fine in that hat.

Mr and Mrs Chambord, from Qatar.

- Bonsoir.

- Bonsoir.

Mr Chabert, from Bordeaux.

Mr and Mrs Ossman, from Hanoi.

- Congratulations.

- Merci.

Thanks for coming.

Mr and Mrs Hicks and Mr and Mrs Baxter

from Houston, Texas.

- Ah, that's us!

- Hey! Bonsoir.

- So glad you made it. Long way to come.

- Howdy partner!

- Real great to be here.

- We'll find time to talk later. Welcome.

Of course, this is not really a wedding.

- It's a chance to do some business.

- Sweetheart.

Well, you're not to bore us with all that

oil talk. I'm here to have some fun.

Oh, we like fun, don't we?

Come along, missy.

Thank you.

It's a mighty fine chteau.

Mr and Mrs Beltrami, from Rome.

- I think that went quite well.

- For now.

Let's blend in.

Darling, I need to powder my nose.

Would you be so kind as to accompany me?

- It would be my pleasure.

- Thank you.

- Ey-up.

- Jerry!

Merci. Well, Kate said

to blend in, didn't she?

- Here's to us.

- Yeah.

- Which floor?

- Second floor.

Right.

Right.

Back in a tick.

That's it, that's her room.

OK, Jerry. 30 seconds.

Howdy, partner!

How ya doin' there?

- Come on.

- I'm looking for the old John Wayne.

The, er... pissoir, the, er... bog crapper?

Any idea?

Sorry, sir, downstairs.

This oor is private.

Her window's open

and there's a ledge running to it.

A ledge? Ledge?

More like a balcony.

Hold those.

- Slow, slow, slow.

- I am going slow.

- Don't look down.

- I'm not bloody looking down.

Oh... Oh!

Turn around, turn around.

See? Turn around. There you go.

That's it. You're all right now.

This is good. I got it.

Well done. Well done.

You're being very brave.

You're being very, very brave.

- Oh!

- Oh!

Oh, f***!

Wait, wait, wait.

I've got you. I've got you.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Cats.

- And flowers.

The 19th century.

I'm gonna get changed.

Excusez-moi.

Go with her.

Ssh...

I'm coming.

Come in! Entrez!

What?

- You want to watch me get dressed now?

- Eh?

Get out! Get out!

She just... OK.

Ssh!

Oh, sorry. You're probably wondering

what I am doing.

- It's not...

- I'm so glad you're here.

Oh, there, there.

Now, just sit down

and tell Auntie... Miriam all your worries.

What's the matter?

I've made a terrible mistake.

He does not love me.

He never has and he never will.

I've sold myself to the devil.

- I'm a whore. I'm a devil's whore.

- No, no, you're not.

- No, no, no.

- Yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no, you're not.

Of course you're not.

Yes, I am.

I'm a terrible, horrible, shallow person.

I am a fake. I am a fake.

I am a fake. I am a fake.

No, don't say that about yourself.

From what I can tell, you're a highly original,

slightly highly strung, bright, imaginative girl.

- Really?

- Yes.

- You really think so?

- I do. I do. Really.

That is the nicest thing

anyone has ever said to me.

Oh, no! Oh, thank you.

Thank you, you're so nice.

No, I'm not, really.

Please excuse me.

I'll be right back. Sorry.

There, there, Manon.

Why are you crying?

- Me? Oh, it's the flowers. I'm, er... allergic.

- Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry.

- It's all right.

- Oh.

No, no, no, Manon.

It's fine, really.

- No, don't do that.

- Bloody things! I don't like them anyway.

- What would you do?

- Me?

Yes. You're clearly a woman of the world.

What do you think of him?

- Your husband?

- Yes.

- Well, I mean, he's fine. He's...

- Fine?

Actually, I think he's a bit callous.

I'm sorry, I think you could do better.

I think he probably...

I think he probably treats you

like a piece of jewellery.

I think he probably treats you badly.

That's not to say he can't change.

I mean, they can change. People do change.

But it's easy to say I love you while

you're rolling around on expensive sheets.

It's so much harder

when they need washing.

Look, I'm not who you think I am.

I'm sorry, I'm not Miriam from Weymouth.

I'm not even Katie from Texas.

I'm just Kate from Surrey.

And my ex-husband is lying on the floor

next to your bed, I'm afraid.

- He is?

- Yep.

Oh! Hello.

- Hi.

- And why are you crying?

The cats.

But don't throw them out the window.

- Oh, he's really handsome.

- I know. It's irritating.

- Not sure about the moustache.

- I agree.

The thing is, you see,

your husband stole something from us

and from a lot

of other very good people.

Something very valuable to us:

our future.

And so we came here tonight to take back

what we feel is rightfully ours.

Oh. The diamond.

- It's not very imaginative, I grant you.

- Sorry, my back was killing me.

- Manon, open up. It's Vincent.

- Take it. I don't like it anyway.

Great. Here's the fake.

Manon!

What?

Why are you throwing owers

out the window?

I'm allergic.

Don't you know anything about me?

You must take good care of this.

It's not a toy, it's very valuable.

More valuable than me?

Darling, there is nothing on earth that is

more valuable to me than me... than you!

You should know that.

And will you still love me

even when we are washing the sheets?

Ssh!

What are you doing?

I don't know.

I thought you were about to sneeze.

- Causing a distraction's supposed to stop it.

- That's hiccups.

Ah... yes.

I might sneeze again.

What are we doing?

We've got to get out of here.

Oh, OK.

- What, back the way we came?

- Yes!

- Oh! Sorry, old partner.

- Sorry, sorry.

Yeah, howdy.

Although not on the official schedule,

my new wife would like to say a few words.

A wise woman once told me

that you can love your husband

but you must also like him.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

And I finally realised that...

...I don't love Vincent or even like him.

So Vincent, darling...

...I want a divorce.

Stop! Stop!

There's been a travesty of justice.

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