The Loved One Page #3

However, I do have your final check

for you right here.

Oh, it just needs one other signature. I'll

get it out to you just as soon as possible.

- Thank you.

- One of the girls was telling me...

...you've been here just ever so long.

- Thirty-one years.

- Thirty-one years.

You were here before I was born.

I hope I don't stay here that long.

Oh, I feel sure that you're destined

for a far happier fate than that, my dear.

- Goodbye, and thank you.

- Excuse me.

That isn't studio property, is it?

No, my dear, it is not.

Uncle Frank.

Uncle Frank?

Bad form, gentlemen, bad form.

If only Sir Francis

had chosen a less sordid...

All those pictures in the press.

That dreadful pool

with those cracks in it.

Let's get on with it. I'm afraid that

Sir Francis' estate is practically nil.

Oh, well, that's neither here nor there.

What is of paramount importance is that

Sir Francis should be given a funeral...

...appropriate to his station.

And one that will reflect credit

on the British community as a whole.

The sale of this cottage

will be sufficient to defray the cost.

Well, now, Barlow,

we've had this document drawn up.

Your signature is necessary. Just put

your name at the bottom of the page.

That's right.

Well, now, I propose that young Barlow

here shall... Initial that, will you?

Shall make the arrangements.

I think there's no doubt that the proper

place for Sir Francis is Whispering Glades.

And now, we come

to something really marvelous.

A real high point of the tour,

it seems to me.

Every time I reach this point, I get, well,

I don't know. I get all choked up.

Here it is, the great statue of the

Blessed Reverend Wilbur Glenworthy.

This world-famous statue was executed

by the internationally known artist...

...and sculptress, Tina Tube...

...and is available in handsome

reproductions at the gift shop...

...near the west gate.

They're really quite marvelous,

those little reproductions.

Now, look at the book containing

the creed of the Blessed Reverend.

This book is carved

of the finest Carrara marble.

The letters on the pages,

they're 18-karat gold.

And they're worth at least

$30 a piece.

And now, I want you to hear something.

I want you to hear the Blessed Reverend

himself speak the words of the creed.

This is the actual voice

of the Blessed Reverend himself.

I did awake and a dream came unto me.

- And lo, I beheld a life of eternal...

- Excuse me, sir.

- A life where shadows...

- Where could I find information about the..?

- Of sunshine and joy.

- Burials.

Prices on inquiry at the administration

office. Drive on up the road.

The laughter of little children.

Where grief became gladness.

Where sorrow became the mewing

of tiny kittens...

... and splash of precious duck babies

at play.

And a voice came unto me...

- This way, sir.

- ... and said:

"Go forth and realize your dream."

And so did I make it...

... and build for all eternity...

... this Whispering Glades.

Stranger, enter these gates

and be happy.

- May I help you, sir?

- Oh, yes.

- I came to arrange about a funeral.

- Is the funeral for yourself?

I beg your pardon?

- No.

- I thought you might have come...

...for pre-need counseling.

Many of our friends like to plan ahead.

- Was your loved one a relative?

- Yes. He was my uncle.

- In that case, he must have been Caucasian.

- Certainly not. He was English.

Oh, that's all right. English is Caucasian.

We prefer that word at Whispering Glades.

It's much less offensive than "white."

Well, I can assure you that he was...

He was quite white.

The Blessed Reverend has to consider

the feelings of the waiting ones.

In time of trial, they prefer

to be with their own people.

May I ask what was your

loved one's name?

Sir Francis Hinsley.

Why, of course. Sir Ambrose Abercrombie

called this morning...

...and said someone would be coming. We

all have greatest respect for Sir Ambrose.

In fact, we hope that one day

he may decide to join us.

Would you wait here a moment, please?

- I'm afraid you don't quite understand.

- What's all this about anyway?

- Is there something wrong with my money?

- That's not the question, Mr. Bernstein.

Please, don't take this personally.

I'm sure there are many

high-class establishments in this city...

...which would be delighted to help you.

Forest Lawn, for example.

You can get their address

at the information desk.

So sorry.

Come, Clara.

Mr. Barlow, this is our cosmetician

from the Gothic Slumber Room.

She'll take good care of you.

Will you follow me, please?

What did you have in mind?

Inhumement, entombment,

inurnment, immurement?

Some people just lately

have preferred ensarcophagusment.

It's very individual.

Well, I think we'd better

just have him buried.

This way, please.

Right this way.

Please be seated.

Very restful.

- What did your loved one pass on from?

- He hanged himself.

- Was the face much disfigured?

- Hideously.

That's quite usual.

Now, was there anything especially

characteristic of your loved one?

Let me think.

Did he smoke a pipe, perhaps?

Some people prefer that their loved ones

have a pipe in mouth.

I mean, of course,

if they smoked one during life.

Then, there was a lady who made

her leave-taking holding a telephone.

He did carry an umbrella at times.

But I don't suppose...

Well, if it were closed.

Tell me...

...do you enjoy this kind of work?

I regard it as a very, very great privilege,

Mr. Barlow.

I think we'd better go

and look at the caskets.

Our Mr. Starker will counsel you

as to your loved one's additional needs.

Counsel Starker...

...this is Mr. Barlow.

- Mr. Barlow.

- How do you do?

Mr. Barlow's loved one

is Sir Francis Hinsley.

Yes, of course.

I'm certain we can accommodate

Sir Francis in an appropriate manner.

Had you any special requirements in mind,

Mr. Barlow?

Well, I haven't thought much

about it, actually.

You see, it all happened

quite suddenly, you see.

Yes, of course. This way.

Now, these are lead-coated steels.

Medium price range.

The Silent Night Special.

And very special it is, too,

if I may say so.

- Waterproof, of course.

- Waterproof?

All our units are waterproof.

This offers maximum protection for a unit

in the middle price range.

Now, here is your handsome Rest King

in 7-gauge steel...

...with a choice of finish

in eight color combinations.

This unit is guaranteed

to give maximum protection.

It's moisture-proof, Mr. Barlow.

And here are your bronzes.

- They are dampness-proof.

- Dampness-proof?

Not merely waterproof,

nor moisture-proof, Mr. Barlow...

...but dampness-proof.

Now then, in addition your Emperor model

features not a rayon or crepe interior...

...but an all-silk interior.

Tell me, Mr. Barlow,

was your uncle a sensitive person?

- Yes, I suppose he was.

- Rayon chafes, you know.

Personally, I find it really quite abrasive.

Well, then, I think,

then, I'll take the Emperor model.

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