The Loved One Page #4

Wonderful, Mr. Barlow. Wonderful.

Now then, Mr. Barlow, have you given

any thought to exterior designations?

I can give you our Eternal Flame in either

perpetual eternal or standard eternal.

What is the difference, actually?

Well, with standard eternal,

your flame burns only during visiting hours.

It is shut down at night.

With your perpetual eternal,

your flame is in service 24 hours a day.

Well, I think the perpetual eternal,

wouldn't you?

Oh, yes. Yes.

- Propane or butane, Mr. Barlow?

- What?

- Propane burns bluer.

- Oh, well, nicer, I think. Don't you?

Definitely.

Marvelous.

Simply marvelous, Mr. Barlow.

Now, we'll just go along into fittings.

This is the Prince Albert, one of our

most popular slumber-room ensembles.

It's really quite lovely.

It's split at the seams, you see.

Avoids having to force the arms and legs.

- Very clever, isn't it?

- Oh, yes. Yes.

The idea originated in vaudeville

with the quick-change artiste.

Yes, I see. Well, as a matter of fact...

...I think he might be best

in something of his own.

Of course, if you feel

that would be appropriate.

Would you sit down, please?

Now then, Mr. Barlow, the shoes.

Designed to fit the foot at rest.

The foot curls a bit, you know,

when rig-moe sets in.

- I see.

- Very smart, aren't they?

Yes, quite smart.

- Now then, a mourning outfit for yourself.

- Pardon?

Frock-cut, I believe.

Well, I think, a plain dark suit.

That is, if you have one.

- Naturally, Mr. Barlow.

- Without the open seams, I hope.

You'll be the death of me yet,

Mr. Barlow.

And now, we'll see

some of our slumber rooms.

I know all about that.

The carloadings on freestone fruit have

fallen down below any level that I'll accept.

Well, I don't care

if you have to put on more men...

Mr. Keeler's in peach preserves.

Of course, he's very upset about his wife...

...but business is so heavy right now that

he can't afford to neglect it for a moment.

I guess it's seasonal.

And now, we have a nightshade room.

With our new solarium

for sun worshippers.

Now, if you'll follow me, please,

I'll show you around the grounds.

Let me explain the dream to you.

This entire place is a dream.

If the Blessed Reverend

had not dreamed it, it would not exist.

"This building, like all others

in Whispering Glades...

...is built of cast iron

and reinforced concrete.

It is certified protection against fire,

earthquake and nuclear fission."

The Blessed Reverend

always builds for eternity.

The park is zoned. Each zone

has its own name and its own work of art.

- And here are the Cloisters of Harrow.

- The Cloisters of Harrow?

- Yes, for loved ones of great learning.

- Oh, I see. They were all great scholars.

Yes. This is the entire missionary staff...

...of the St. Francis

Theological Seminary of Burbank.

- All massacred.

- All of them?

Yes, in different parts of the world, over

the years, by the regional savages there.

This is Barchester Terrace,

for loved ones of the financial professions.

Of the financial professions?

Yes. Bankers, manufacturers

and other loved ones with large backing.

We have double plots

here in the Damon and Pythias section...

...for loved ones who were very close.

Then, over here, we have Lover's Nest

with Rodin's famous statue, The Kiss.

Twenty-five percent larger

than a life-size replica would be.

- Unrestrained passion...

- And here, we have the Falls of Xanadu.

The Falls of Xanadu?

Funny that Coleridge

never mentioned them.

- I beg your pardon?

- Coleridge, the man who wrote the poem.

I never heard there was a poem.

All the names in Whispering Glades

were created by the Blessed Reverend.

What are those things?

The bottom of the lagoon

is known as Neptune's Cradle.

Those loved ones

were completely dedicated to the sea.

They're long-distance swimmers,

Fourth of July boating enthusiasts...

...admirals, surfers, water-skiers.

All sorts.

Several plots are available here...

...in the shadow

of the prominent Greek poet Homer.

Yes. I think Uncle Francis

would like that.

Homer used very visual imagery.

Oh, that's fine. Shall we put him down

for Poets' Corner, Mr. Barlow?

Yes, let's.

- When shall I see you again?

- Oh, the day after tomorrow.

You'd better come before the leave-taking

to see that everything is as you wish.

Whom shall I ask for?

Just for the cosmetician

of the Gothic Slumber Room.

- No name?

- No name is necessary.

That hardly seems fair.

I mean, you have mine.

Mr. Barlow, the rules here

were made by the Blessed Reverend.

And we follow them gladly.

You see, Whispering Glades

is a way of life.

- Good morning, sir.

- Good morning, sir.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, sir.

- Good morning, sir.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, sir.

- Good morning.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, Mr. Joyboy.

- Good morning, Mr. Joyboy.

- Good morning.

Good morning, Mr...

Good morning, Miss Thanatogenos.

Good morning, Mr. Joyboy.

Here is the strangulated loved one

for the Gothic Slumber Room.

Was he a difficult case, Mr. Joyboy?

No, just a wee bit.

But I think he came out just dandy.

- Oh, he's beautiful.

- Yes.

There. He came up nicely.

So supple.

Well, I'd better begin.

I don't know what it is.

I don't know how to explain it.

But it seems when I know

I'm working for you...

...then something in me says,

"He's on his way to Miss Thanatogenos."

And then, my fingers just take control.

Haven't you noticed that?

Well, I did say only last week...

...that all the loved ones that come from

Mr. Joyboy have the most beautiful smiles.

It's all for you, Miss Thanatogenos.

- Mr. Joyboy. Mr. Joyboy.

- Yes, what is it?

Two more loved ones just came in.

Who are they for?

Oh, Mr. Vogel's free.

- One of them is an infant.

- Oh, is it mother and child?

No. No relation.

Mr. Vogel will take the adult

and I'll do the baby.

You do love children,

don't you, Mr. Joyboy?

Well, off to baby.

- Is it what you'd hoped, Mr. Barlow?

- Oh, more.

Is he quite hard?

Firm.

- May I touch him?

- Please do not. It leaves a mark.

Come this way, gentlemen.

- Excuse me.

- Ah, Barlow.

Yes.

What was it my old friend

Sir James Barry used to say?

- "To die..."

- "Will be a very great adventure."

Thank you.

Barlow, didn't old Frank say

you did a bit of ballad-mongering?

Well...

Why don't you write me something

to recite at the funeral.

Keep it short and direct, will you?

Well, I'll certainly try, Sir Ambrose.

And make it legible.

I don't want to have to wear my goggles.

Yes. Do you know, I don't think

I've ever seen old Frank looking better.

Bury the great knight

with the studio's valediction.

Let us bury the great knight...

Valediction.

Valediction, restriction,

friction, constriction.

They told me, Francis Hinsley

They told me you were hung

With red, protruding eyeballs

And black protruding tongue

I wept as I remembered

How often you and I had...

Had laughed

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