The Loved One Page #7

as a financial proposition.

Haggerty, the projection.

According to our projection,

at the present rate of burial...

...the total remaining acreage

will be depleted in seven years' time.

Whispering Glades, as an operational

enterprise, will then cease to exist.

The most feasible possibility,

which has yet been suggested...

...is to convert this acreage

into a retirement city.

A haven for our senior citizens.

Haggerty, the views.

Now, gentlemen...

...these are the views of some of our

more successful retirement communities.

Here you see the Shangri-Lodge Tropicana,

and our senior citizens at play.

The annual net has been placed

at some 25,000 per acre...

...with the distinct advantage

of not depleting itself...

...since the turnover among retirement-city

clientele is fairly brisk.

Suffice it to say that our overall projection

figures indicate a 12,000 percent gain...

...in the immediate conversion

of this acreage into a retirement city...

...a haven for our senior citizens.

Okay, kill it.

Now, gentlemen, any comment?

You're not thinking about disinterment?

Surely, that is out of the question, Wilbur.

After all, it's consecrated ground.

There's got to be a way...

...to get those stiffs off my property.

The first lady embalmer

of Whispering Glades.

Oh, that's splendid.

How much is that worth?

I don't know.

I never even considered that part of it.

Well, it must be something.

I mean, 200 a week.

Don't you..? We could get married on that.

- What did you say?

- We could be married. Don't you see?

Aime, wait. Now...

My dear girl, don't you realize

it's the money that's been holding me back.

An American would despise himself

for living off his wife.

I'm English. We have none of these

prejudices in more developed civilizations.

I think you are being

absolutely despicable.

Oh, now, Aime... Now, wait.

Listen, please.

Now, you want us to be together,

now, don't you?

- No! I don't think you're an ethical person!

- Aime, wait.

Well, here we are. Now to meet Mom.

This is Mom's room. It's sort of the center

of things around here.

Mom. Are you decent?

Well, here we come. Ready or not.

There's my boy!

I brought you a big surprise.

Aime, this is Mom.

- How do you do?

- Hello, dear. These are delicious.

This is our little Gandhi bird.

Come on, Gandhi. Come on.

This is our little Gandhi bird.

You just say hello to Aime, Gandhi.

There is no death.

There is no death.

- No death.

- Mom taught her that.

You see, Mom believes

in positive thinking.

I call him Gandhi because he's so skinny.

Give him a meaty, will you, darling?

He's such a good boy.

Aren't you, Gandhi?

Good.

Oh, well. Now that you've met us,

what do you think of our little family?

Oh, it's time for King Chicken.

Mom never misses

her King Chicken commercials.

And what's more,

it's extra low in calories.

Oh, this must be King Chicken.

I don't even realize I'm watching my diet.

Serve it often, but make sure you serve

the supreme quality king of chicken...

... King Chicken.

- Where's Laf?

- Laf?

I always call him Laf, for "Lafayette."

7:
38. Time for Big Boy Crabs.

It's a new one.

It's a new one.

They're using a giant one.

Oh, they're using a giant one now!

- Oh, God!

- It does look good, doesn't it?

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Mom's a heck of a lot of fun, isn't she?

Oh, she's every inch a queen.

Aime, I wanna show you something.

This is my bedroom.

I wanted you to see it.

I don't know why.

Oh, that's the storage room over there.

We're gonna enlarge that a bit

to put in Mom's big tub, you see.

- Big tub?

- Yes. A big tub for Mom.

I give her sponge baths.

I'm going to continue doing that.

But I've saved my money

and I've ordered a great big tub for Mom.

You know, sometimes... I know it sounds

crazy, but sometimes I have a dream.

I dream that I'm in the Food Giant

Supermarket, the one on La Brea Street...

...buying lobsters for Mom. The biggest,

juiciest lobsters you can imagine.

I buy them by the dozen

just the way people buy eggs.

And then they see me coming in the market

and they say:

"Here comes the lobster man.

Oh, here he comes."

And then... It sounds crazy, but then

I kind of... I do this little dance and I sing:

Mama little Joyboy

Want lobster, lobster

Mama's little Joyboy

Want lobster for Mom

And then the whole dream changes.

I don't know, it...

It becomes like a nightmare.

Because when I put that big darn platter

of juicy lobsters down in front of Mom...

...they're still alive,

as if I haven't cooked them at all.

Then, suddenly, I'd start to cry because...

...I feel that I've let Mom down again.

"That's all right," she says.

"I'll take them the way they are."

By golly, she tears right into those

live lobsters, claws and all.

But they fight back.

And they begin to claw her

and chew her and eat her.

I don't want to think about it.

But they don't stop.

They just keep on clawing and biting.

And then, finally...

...there's no more Mom.

Laf! When is supper?

I'm starving to death.

Mommy's little Joyboy

Has piggy, piggy

Mommy's little Joyboy

Has piggy for Mom

Help yourself, Aime.

We don't stand on ceremony around here.

No. No more. Thank you.

Excuse me.

She says his mom's eating habits

are unaesthetic.

That he looks undignified in an apron.

That she's not sure she really loves him.

Tell her to marry the other jerk.

Till all the seas gang dry, my dear

And the rocks melt with the sun.

I will love thee still, my dear

While the sands of life shall run.

Now we're pledged to each other,

aren't we, Dennis?

Yes.

Dennis, it says

"We shall have many a canty day."

What does that mean?

Canty day.

Something like Hogmanay, I expect.

Hogmanay? What's that?

People that are throwing up

in the streets of Glasgow.

Do you know how the poem ends?

Now we maun totter down, John

But hand in hand, we'll go

And sleep together at the foot

John Anderson, my jo.

Dennis, why are you so coarse?

Why don't I visit you tonight?

At your home?

- I mean, until you see a person's home...

- No.

...you really don't know them.

Well, now that we are engaged, I suppose

it's all right for you to come there.

Aime!

Aime!

Aime, are you in there?

Aime!

- Hi.

- Hello.

- You see. Isn't it wonderful?

- Very cozy.

Having some work done, I see.

Poor house. I'm afraid there'll never be

any more work on it.

You see, when they discovered it was

a slide area, well, they abandoned it.

- Well, just what exactly is a slide area?

- Oh, it's a silly thing, really.

It's supposed to mean the earth is gradually

sliding down the side of the mountain.

They keep putting up these awful signs.

I just snatch them right down again.

Come inside and I'll show you the view.

Well, this is where I live.

You see, Dennis, I want to surround

myself with beauty.

I don't care about

what some people call comfort.

- Isn't it rather dangerous?

- Dangerous?

- I mean, isn't it liable to fall down?

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