The Loved One Page #8

- Yes. I suppose it is.

Come on out.

- Isn't it enchanting?

- Yes.

- It's absolutely breathtaking.

- It's like another world.

You know, some people think of death

as a negative thing.

But you see how wrong they are,

don't you?

What could be more beautiful

and more thrilling than eternal rest?

Aime. Look, why don't you show me

some of the objets d'art in the other room.

You do love beauty, don't you?

- What's that?

- Oh, that's just a slide.

- Don't worry.

- Listen, I've got to push on now.

A raise? Why would you need a raise?

- Actually, Harry, I thought I'd buy a car.

- You can use the van.

Yes, Harry. I know I can use the van,

and I do appreciate that.

But you see,

I'm going with this girl now.

Well, she has a thing about this place.

She thinks it's sacrilegious or something.

Sacrilegious, huh? What does she know?

Is she some kind of kook?

Now, I'll tell you, Dennis,

how can you pick up a few extra bucks.

- You can become a nonsectarian minister.

- I beg your pardon.

Yeah. Like that guy, Horowitz.

The guy that did the service on the Alsatian

the other day. He's nonsectarian.

Harry...

...would you say a nonsectarian minister

was the social equal of an embalmer?

You're damn right he is, kid.

There's a deep, abiding respect in the hearts

of Mr. And Mrs. U.S.A. For ministers.

What the hell was that? Don't touch it.

It might be a live shell. Come on.

Kid, don't go in there.

There's a live bomb in there.

It isn't a bomb.

It's a 70-centimeter projectile.

I launched it at approximately 0500 hours.

Optical tracking confirmed marginal error...

...in trajectory countdown...

- All right, sonny.

- Is that it?

- Retardation shoot must've failed.

Overheated. Disintegration of thread fibers.

Flight stabilizers, A-okay.

What time did it touch down?

What the hell do you mean "touch down"?

You call that a touch?

It is very important

that I know the time of touchdown.

Listen, kid, somebody's gonna pay

for this hole in the roof.

Don't you have insurance?

You're the one who's gonna need

insurance, buster. What's that anyway?

It's a modified C-7 Wildcat.

Single-stage, 1.h. Turbo with a 4G thrust.

- It is, huh? Where'd you get it?

- I built it.

For you, Miss Thanatogenos,

from Mr. Joyboy.

"This is how I feel

since I heard of your betrothal."

Aime, thy beauty is to me

Like those Nicean barks of yore

That gently, o'er a perfumed sea

The weary way-worn wanderer bore

To his own native shore.

On desperate seas long wont to roam

Thy hyacinth hair, thy classic face

Thy Naiad airs have brought me home

To the glory that was Greece

And the grandeur that was Rome.

"This little dog was embalmed in 1950."

Embalmed.

- Oh, yes, sir, may I help you?

- Yes. I understand that you inter animals?

Yes. Anything from a horse to a mouse.

In the case of snakes over 6 feet,

we insist that they be coiled.

I see. Well, I have a bird.

It's a mynah bird.

It belongs to my mother. It's...

It's in here.

Well, we'd better get him on ice

right away.

Perhaps you'd like to look at our brochure

on the desk there, then.

That'll give you an idea

of our various services.

- Would you excuse me?

- Certainly.

Harry.

Harry, how much for a mynah bird?

Mynah bird?

What the hell's a mynah bird?

Something like a crow, I think.

- So the same price as crows, 30 bucks.

- Just a minute, Barlow.

Harry, what's the cc displacement

on a crow?

- Come again?

- How big is it?

Now you're talking, Gunther.

Come here, kid.

Now, listen. As I see it, we can put this

thing up here and put it together...

Helen, thy beauty is to me

Like those Nicean barks of yore

- The rate is $30 for the standard service.

- That'll be fine.

However, look, we can offer you

a special new service...

...whereby the remains are placed inside

a rocket and fired into space.

- Fired into space?

- Yes. Fired into space.

Oh, that'll do just nicely.

Come on. Come on.

"Bird born of egg..."

"Bird born of egg...

...hath but a short time and is full of lice.

And is cut down like a flower.

Let us say farewell to our Gandhi

thus departed."

- You all set, kid?

- Right, Harry. Connect the umbilical.

All systems go.

Ready for countdown.

Earth to earth...

...ashes to ashes...

...dust to dust...

...air to air.

We commit this bird to the air...

...from whence it came.

Blastoff.

What the hell was that?

Great God in heaven!

Aime!

Aime, wait!

- How's it look, Gunther?

- Nice pattern. Almost hit a big helicopter.

- Where?

- Oh, over there.

Oh, boy. Wouldn't you know it?

That's Will.

Aime!

Aime, please.

You've got to let me explain.

Miss Thanatogenos doesn't want anything

to do with you or your pilfered poetry.

Aime, please!

What in God's name is happening here?

That must've looked kind of funny to you...

- Funny?

- Now, wait a minute, Will.

You see that kid back there?

That's Gunther. The kid's a genius.

- A space-age genius.

- Well, what's he doing here?

Well, that's it, Will.

You see, the kid wanted his own lab.

Well, he started in taking stuff

home from school.

Radar sets, jet engines, that kind of thing.

Then he went after their atomic reactor.

A raving lunatic.

I tell you, Will, he can put them in orbit.

- He can what?

- He can put them in orbit, Will.

He can put them into orbit.

He can put them into an orbit

of eternal grace.

What?

Yes, Harry. I should like very much

to meet this young Gunther.

Yes, among the hardware,

which is now totally obsolete...

...a modified Atlas-8 would be the

vehicle of choice for your purpose.

Modification, to what extent?

Hey, you better not smoke around here.

Something might explode.

The real problem will be in

obtaining the missile in the first place.

Get me General Buck Brinkman

in Air Force Surplus.

Come over and meet the reverend.

No, thank you, son.

Reverend Glenworthy,

this is Colonel Bart.

He's one of our top flyboys

in the know-how department.

- Glad to meet you, Colonel.

- Thank you.

Say, you have an empty glass there.

We can't have that.

Waiter, some more champagne

for the colonel here.

I told you to keep these glasses filled.

- We're thirsty. Right, boys?

- Yeah.

Listen, Will.

- Suppose you tell me what this is about?

- Right, Buck.

First, let's have a little look around.

Let me show you how we do things here

at Whispering Glades.

- Fine.

- Good. Boys, follow me.

This is our selection room, gentlemen.

One of these models is sure

to meet your requirements.

What's going on here?

Is he trying to be funny?

Yes, I'm confident there's a unit here

for every taste.

Consider these bronzes.

This is your Deep Rest Special.

Colonel, I was wondering if I could ask you

to test the weight of that unit.

You're the doctor. San Antone!

What do you say, gang?

Last guy in the box is a bad boy.

No, no, no. That's not it.

I tell you, Harry, this first resurrection

has got to be perfect.

How about a Nobel Prize winner?

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