The Magic Christian

[choir singing]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is

what is commonly known as "money."

It comes in all sizes, colors

and denominations, like people.

We'll be using quite a bit

of it in the next two hours.

Luckily, I have enough

for all of us.

[man singing]

- [yelps]

- [fades]

[bell tolling]

[big ben chiming ten times]

Here, here. Here, here.

No sleepin' on the grass.

No sleepin' on the grass is

allowed in the park. All right.

Get out of here. Get out of here.

Get off!

in younger days

I told myself

my life would be my own

and I'd leave the place

where sunshine never shone

for my life's too short

for waiting

when I see the rising sun

[indistinct chatter]

then I know again

that I must carry on

carry on till tomorrow

What you wearin' them

glasses for?

Oh, the light.

It hurts my eyes.

You a bloody celebrity?

[cackling]

carry on

carry on

[shouting indistinctly]

beyond the shadows

of the clouds

and onward to the sky

carry on

till I find

the rainbow's end

for my life's

too short for waiting

when I see the rising sun

then I know again

that I must carry on

carry on

till tomorrow

there's no reason

to look back

carry on

carry on

carry on

drifting on the wings

of freedom

leave this stormy day

and we'll ride

to tomorrow's

golden fields

for my life's

too short for waiting

when I see the rising sun

then I know again

that I must carry on

carry on

carry on

carry on

Good morning.

You feeding the ducks?

Yes, I feed them every morning.

You mind if I join you?

No, no.

I come here every morning.

and when the heavy

journey's done

[indistinct chatter]

I'll rest my weary head

for the world

and its colors

will be mine

for my life's too short

for waiting

when I see the setting sun

then I know again

that I must carry on

carry on till tomorrow

there's no reason

to look back

carry on

carry on

carry on

Look, please.

Don't go.

Listen, please.

I say, don't go.

[chatter continues

indistinctly]

carry on

carry on

carry on

carry on

carry on

Well, then, Youngman Grand.

Father.

[church bells tolling]

Good-bye.

Thank you, Pontius.

Thanks for the new suit.

It's very nice.

My pleasure, Youngman.

My pleasure.

One has to be smart when observing

the effects of money on the arts...

And mr. And mrs. First-Nighter.

Good gentlemen, give

him a further edge.

And drive his purpose

on to these delights.

We shall, my lord.

Sweet gertrude,

leave us too.

For we have closely sent

for hamlet hither,

That he, as t'were

by accident,

May here affront ophelia.

Her father and myself,

lawful espials,

Will so bestow ourselves,

that, seeing, unseen--

[whispers] Hello. Hello, sir.

The third act's

just started.

Rosencrantz and guildenstern

just went off somewhere.

Hello.

Guy, you are rather late.

The third act's begun. You barely

nearly missed the nicest part.

The chopper was delayed. Anyway,

this is the bit I'm really keen on.

And as you say,

it is the nicest part.

[orchestra]

[ends]

to be...

I've seen it.

Or not to be?

Shakespeare, right?

Right and double right.

Whether 'tis nobler

in the mind...

To suffer the slings

and arrows of...

Outrageous fortune,

Or to take arms...

Against a sea of troubles,

And by opposing...

[rim shot]

End them?

[cowbell clunks]

- [burlesque]

- to die,

To sleep.

-No more. -Agnes, Esther, I would

like you to meet my newly-adopted son,

Youngman.

Youngman, these are my old dear sis-

ters, Agnes and Esther-- your aunts.

How do you do?

Hello, auntie. Hello.

[continues]

to die,

To sleep.

To sleep.

Perchance to dream.

Ay, there's the rub.

For in that sleep of death...

What dreams may come.

When we have shuffled off...

This mortal coil--

Must give us pause--

I'm making too much noise.

On with the show.

For who could bear

the whips...

Tsk, tsk.

And scorns of time?

The oppressor's wrong,

The proud man's contumely--

That fellow is taking license

in my view.

...Of the unworthy takes...

When he himself might

his quietus make...

With his fair,

Bare...

Bodkin?

- [ends]

- [gasps]

[women singing

operatically]

You've gotta hand it to that Laurence

Harvey. He really knows his job.

The most essential and

fundamental principle of our work...

Is the absolute authenticity...

Of any of its employees'

qualifications and credentials.

Each must be tops in

his field. Otherwise--

- Well, otherwise it's mere quackery.

- Just what is our work, dad?

It's not so easy to define

as one might think, lad.

Not so easy.

Regard the city.

[Youngman] It's just

like where I was born.

Exactly and 9/10ths of the

people on this planet.

And you know, Youngman, some of

those people will tell you...

That in these cities are shops--

Curious sort of food shops that

spring up from time to time...

With signs reading,

"new owner, new policy,

Big get acquainted sale."

And offering goods at ridiculously

low giveaway prices.

- What about ciggies?

- Cigarettes were not sold,

As they've been linked rather

closely with cancer of the lung.

The word quickly gets around...

And the lucky few

manage to load up,

and take away as much as

they can humanly carry.

Usually much more than they can

ever use or keep, you understand.

The shop is quickly gutted--

Clean as your proverbial bone.

And latecomers are met by

closed doors, shuttered windows...

And a different sign,

"moved to new location."

But no clue as to where

that new location is.

if you want it

anytime I can give it

but you better hurry

'cause it's going

fast

Well then, Pontius, if

that really is your name,

Take us to your leader.

We've just taken over

some new companies, son,

And the boardroom tycoons are waiting

for us to get to work... On them.

[Grand] Winthrop.

Sir Guy?

When I bought this paper,

It had one of the highest circulations

of any Sunday newspaper in this country.

It was a paper...

With a heart, Winthrop,

[men murmuring] Hear! Hear!

And a circulation.

Now just look at this.

Read it out, Winthrop.

But, sir guy, you said, uh--

Yes, I know what I

said, but read it.

"Detectives made inquiries from holi-

day makers of Brighton aujourd'hui."

What is aujourd'hui, Winthrop?

It's French for "today," sir Guy.

We are running an English

newspaper, Winthrop.

[men murmuring agreement]

"In connection with the

murder last mercredi...

"of the-- [speaking German]

"twenty-nine-year-old

girl, Lynn McNab,

"whose mutilated body was

found washed up on the beach.

"open brackets.

Tee-hee-hee.

Close brackets."

read on, Winthrop.

We printed an apology, sir Guy.

And in what language

was the apology written?

Polish.

[men gasping] Polish?

It's gotta stop, Winthrop.

It will, sir Guy.

It will.

It will, it will, it will.

Immediatement.

Gentlemen,

We are a nation on the move.

[men murmuring agreement]

Any man jack who fails

to realize that...

Had better don his think cap.

Common zen savvy tells us...

That the prestige of the

British automobile...

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